Episode 281 (Ben Calhoun)Podcast Intro: [00:00:01] Being a great father takes a massive amount of courage. Instead of being an amazing leader and a decent dad, I want to be an amazing dad and a decent leader. The oldest dad in the world gave you this assignment, which means you must be ready for it. As a dad, get on my knees and I fight for my kids. Let us be those dads who stop the generational pass down of trauma. I want encounters with God where He teaches me what to do with my kids. I know I'm going to be an awesome dad because I'm gonna give it my all.Ben Calhoun: [00:00:33] Well and I've always loved God's Word, it's so cool. My father gave me the love for God's Word, so did my mom, but mostly my father. And I gave that to my kids because I modeled it. And I, I love God's Word. It's awesome. But the best thing I could do is teach it to them and enjoy it myself. If you're enjoying it yourself, they will naturally follow you. Man, just open the Word as a family, pick a verse and memorize it. Put it on your wall, have every kid write it on a little thing and put it in their mirror or whatever. Do something.Jeff Zaugg: [00:01:08] This is episode 281 of dadAWESOME. I'm so glad you guys are joining today. We are now in season seven of dadAWESOME. Last week we kicked it off with Rob Haskins. This week, Ben Calhoun coming at you. When I was in the Nashville area, Ben and I spent the whole afternoon together and just so grateful for his deep passion, his heart, his intentionality around fatherhood, and even some current projects he's working on that we're going to talk about. So, I'll introduce him in just a moment here. I want to remind you guys, if you live in the upper Midwest, anywhere, Minnesota, Wisconsin, the Dakotas, Iowa, drive in early August, August 5th, is our fifth Father's for the Fatherless 100 mile bike ride. The reason I bring it up today, we ride 100 miles on behalf of the fatherless for a local partner and a global partner who are directly serving the fatherless. We are, this is a huge year for our ministry, and the deadline to register is actually June 11th. So just around the corner from the time that we release this episode. So just want to remind you guys, if you're gonna sign up, join us, make sure to go to f4f, letter F, number 4, letter F dot bike. f4f.bike to sign up in the next couple of days here before June 11th. Let's jump in today's conversation, Ben Calhoun. Ben toured for about two decades with the band, he was the front man and the songwriter with Citizen Way. He now is off the road doing solo projects. Him and his wife Alison have been married for 20 years, this August. They have three daughters, 16, 13 and a 4 year old. He is so passionate about God's word. He's so passionate about the most important things being the most important thing. You guys are going to take so much away from this conversation. Here is episode 281, my conversation with Ben Calhoun.Ben Calhoun: [00:03:09] All of us kids, my my parents prayed for us and they modeled what a a biblically based family looks like. Mom and dad, even though they have arguments, whatever, they are there. And, you know, the buck stops with them and dad leads the family, it's his responsibility. And if he does not know what God's word says about the roles of the father and and the wife and the mother and the husband and the kids, man, it falls apart and the enemy, that's why it goes for the dad, if he can get to the dad, the whole family crumbles. And so I thank the Lord, my dad and my mom prayed for us kids. All of us are in ministry now. Yeah and most of it really centers around raising great kids. Biblically based kids that are not addicted to their phones. Well, my girls are, anyway, my oldest one. Oh, yay, yay, yay. Anyway, I hate those things. But the idea of like, my parents prayed for us and my dad, remember that song, Cat's in the Cradle? Right. He said, I'm never doing that. My dad had a drunk for a father who came home from the war, just fell into the bottle. And he was a bastard son, honestly, and grew up with half brothers and really didn't know his way until somebody in college said, George, it's not about religion, it's about a relationship with Jesus. And that somehow made sense to him, but he was also terrified and mad at the same time. They gave him a Bible and he chucked it at the, in the woods and said, God, if you're real, prove it. And that's a great story, too. But he went on into full time ministry and raised us kids while he was a baby Christian. And my mom and dad really only knew how to go to God's word and do what it said because they, I mean, little churches where they went, everything always grew. But they realized if we spend more time doing another ministry, we're not going to be home for dinner. So they always made Wednesday night spaghetti, a family dinner priority. All of our friends were welcome. But we read scripture in the morning together. We took family trips. My dad was most of my coaches like of most of my teams. Even in high school, he found a way to be a coach on the team, right, track and soccer. And he didn't he didn't even know how to play soccer, but he ended up being a coach and a great one to. And I always had cleats on my feet and my dad never forced me to go to church and he was the pastor. It was a small town, so you knew if you're gone. But he said, Son, if you can show up even in your cleats and your shin guards, that's okay, but I'd like you to try. And so I was never forced into church or knowing God's Word. I wanted those things because it was real for my parents. And so the generational curse stopped with my dad lifting me up to heaven when I was a baby, I'm the oldest. He said, Lord, teach me how to raise this son. And my parents just kept very simple, unless it aligns with God's word and it's good for our family, we aren't going to do it. It's a really simple list of priorities, and so it helped me understand and develop the thing we call the five F's in our family. Our faith in Jesus. These are the priorities, faith in Jesus, our family, friends, food and fun. Right? So easy, fun, simple. And, you know, my career's not even on the list.Jeff Zaugg: [00:06:27] That's right.Ben Calhoun: [00:06:28] It's not even there. Jeff Zaugg: [00:06:29] Doesn't make the list.Ben Calhoun: [00:06:30] No.Jeff Zaugg: [00:06:31] So, as you point back to your parents, presence was huge. They prayed, they prayed for you guys. That family meal on Wednesdays, they didn't push, so your dad didn't push you to be, had to be in church. But he was he was within, it's funny I'm doing the alliteration, you started the alliteration with F's now I got P's going at us. His his he he found a way to be in proximity to you with coaching. What else do you point back to that Your dad did that, you're like, Man, I want to make sure I don't miss this or I want to get this right, like my dad did?Ben Calhoun: [00:07:03] One of my old manager says, You got to be present to win. That's what my dad did. He was present. He was there. And I saw faults and how the Lord used him to fly and are both are essential to learn how to be a good man. And behind every good man is a great woman. And my mom's a great woman and my mom's very, she's more, she's more, in some ways, she's a, I mean, she's a staunch Norwegian woman, so I've seen her cry like twice. You know, my dad will ball his eyes out sometimes. When I left for college, he was heartbroken. My dad and our best friends, right. And so to me, I think he left the legacy of he was very vocal about his priorities. You know, that's a that's how the Calhoun's do it. You know like that's, that's a Calhoun of the Calhoun curse, you know, and we got women coming after us. I was proposed to three times and I'm like, and the girls usually I think all three of them, the little the Lord told me, we're supposed to be married and have kids. And I'm like, Well, he didn't tell me. You know, and so and Alison was my first girlfriend, and my dad gave me a love for God's Word, that's the other thing. I, I use my dad's Bible now that he had in seminary, it's all torn up. It was on our bus fire, one side is is dark and charred, and the other side isn't.Jeff Zaugg: [00:08:28] I saw a video clip of the bus fire.Ben Calhoun: [00:08:29] Yeah.Jeff Zaugg: [00:08:29] That's no joke.Ben Calhoun: [00:08:30] And, uh, Ava had just gotten off of it to, our daughter. But that's what my dad gave me is a love for the Truth, God's Word. If it isn't in scripture, son, don't put it there. Also, don't take it out. You got to understand it from cover to cover. It's not how you want it to say. It's what it says. And he gave me a real, he's very loyal, and he he loves he loves God's Word. My mom's a musician. My dad's a pastor. So that's kind of what I do. And my modeling it and I respect my parents and they disciplined me. One of the best things my dad ever did was pull me off the traveling baseball team because I threw a bat at my brother. I was a good baseball player. I wanted to play in college. I just played soccer. But he said, You're going to call your coach and you're going to tell him you can't play.Jeff Zaugg: [00:09:21] Is this after you got caught throwing the bat?Ben Calhoun: [00:09:23] Yeah, he was there. He was the coach of the Little League team, and I got invited to be on the traveling team. But I struck out at a game and I threw the bat at my brother, who was a bat boy. And Benjamin, you're calling the coach, you're not playing. But you're calling him and telling him. And I never did that again.Jeff Zaugg: [00:09:40] So a firm consequence.Ben Calhoun: [00:09:43] Firm Consequence. Yes. My dad would spank us, and I'm thankful he did, right. And, uh, it, you know, spare the rod, spoil the child. But Proverbs 22:6 says train up a child in the way they should go and when they're old, they one turn from it. That is so true. Having been a father of three children now. Basically we just did what my parents did. My wife didn't have any of that. And so she was like totally on board with any structure whatsoever. And she loves what God's Word says about the family and the father and the dad is in charge, but that, the way Scripture reads it is, man, if you don't take that responsibility seriously and put your wife's and children's well-being in front of yours, that's what it means.Jeff Zaugg: [00:10:32] Lift them up.Ben Calhoun: [00:10:33] Yeah, you are in charge, which means the responsibility is on you. Which means if you screw up, they all suffer the consequences. Right? We're walking through a divorce with some close friends of ours, and it has brought my wife and I super close together and we already were. But because the model works the way the father set it up, you know, the reason Abraham is an A, you know, for Abraham in Hebrew is it's tent for the family that's the symbol. It actually is supposed to be that way in Hebrew. And if the enemy can take down the tent, man, the family is exposed to the elements and it usually suffers. And so my wife and I made a very specific decision years ago that I would be the sole breadwinner and we would raise our kids together, but she would be the, at home with them. She's not going to work. Which is hard to do in music and ministry. Because when you're selling t shirts to make a living, basically, because you're basically a glorified t shirt salesman when you're in Christian music, when you starting out as a band. It was hard and so you get to the point of you also realize that what matters, because if I don't build a strong foundation, the house is going to fall down. Proverbs 127:1, right. Unless the Lord builds the house, the workers labor in vain that build it, right. So at some point you realize either I'm building my life on shifting sand or I'm not. My dad's dad was shifting sand. My dad put a hard stop to that and he prayed through, but also made the conscious decision to stop the generational curses of addiction and lawlessness and chaos and abandonment and orphaned kids and all sorts of stuff. He's like, I am not doing that. And he never did. My parents were close to divorce, they talked about it. And even in college, that was part of it. But they found a way to work it out and stay together. And they're best friends, you know. And so I think time sometimes is just simply one of the best ministries you could ever do is consistent, faithful steps in the same direction. I call that obedience. Consistent, faithful steps in the same direction. And my dad did that.Jeff Zaugg: [00:12:39] The visual of a tent, Abraham. You're Saying that's that's Hebrew.Ben Calhoun: [00:12:45] That's Hebrew. it's actually on its side is an also an ox head for strength. But it's also a tent.Jeff Zaugg: [00:12:49] So an ox head strength tent.Ben Calhoun: [00:12:52] Yeah. Mm hmm.Jeff Zaugg: [00:12:53] How how would you encourage the dad listening who feels like, Man, I don't know if I've stepped into really holding up that tent being the strength for my family? I don't know if I'm, like, actually taking courageous steps into, I lead my family. How would you say, like, like to step into more of, no, that's a role that God's given me, I want to step into being the leader and protecting my family from the elements. Any just coaching or encouragement for that dad?Ben Calhoun: [00:13:17] I think two really easy thing, first, you have to go to God's Word and do a study on, just look up every time it says Father, look up all the verses and let the Holy Spirit do the rest of the work. I promise you that'll do enough. But write it down and committed to memory if you have to, at least a verse. Train up a child in the way they should go when they're old, they won't turn from it, Proverbs 22:6, right. Start with that verse and then learn what God's Word says about being a dad. Learn the role of what a wife is. Learn the role of what children should be. You know, children obey your parents and the Lord for this is good and it will go well with you, the Bible says, right. Okay, so then find other dads that are doing a great job and basically copy and paste. And be around them and be humble enough to say, I don't know what I'm doin, help me. My dad lifted me up to heaven, literally, because he didn't know what to do, but he knew who did. And that's exactly what I did with my kids. I know that I'm a good dad because I had a great dad. Amazingly, he didn't, and yet he can still do that. So to encourage you dads, you can start from nothing. You can start from a deficit because God's work is redemption. He is the best teacher you'll ever find. You do not need to go anywhere else than straight to the throne of grace with confidence. You need to repent of your sins, because otherwise you're literally giving, not only the enemy foothold, but you cannot get to certain depths and relationship without that. It's impossible. Sin is a barrier, right? So you got to confess sin. You got to also like get to the point of where you like, okay, God's word says this. Spanking your kids because they're out of line is totally biblical. Like, Dude, lay down the hammer if you have to. Throw some consequences on there, take away the stupid iPad or the iPhone. Tell them they can't be on the team. Also, like, quit signing him up for a billion things. You guys, you're going to run yourself ragged and none of it's going to be really that great because you're kind of just shot gunning everywhere. Pick something, you'll be amazing at it. And as a father to like, instead of just buying another house, I can remember Alison, she's like, I want that house. I'm like, Well, no, I can't afford that. And we're going to go into so much debt, I can't do ministry music. And she didn't like that at first. Now she loves it when I tell her, this is where we're going, because over time she trusted me and she's like, Oh, I see how that works. You kind of have to be willing, as the man, if you know God's Word, you kind of have to be willing to be alone sometimes, sometimes in the decision. You're not alone because if it's going to God's word, blame Him, then. But your wife wants you to lead them.Jeff Zaugg: [00:16:04] Yeah. You're not arrogantly going alone. You're going alone with strength rooted in God's Word. Ben Calhoun: [00:16:09] Or alone, as in, like, you might be the only one who has an idea of where to take the family. But allow the Lord to work in your wife's heart, to by faith follow you. If you love her well, you'll know where to go according to God's Word. I knew that because I was convicted as a kid to learn God's Word. And so I, for seven years I didn't have a girlfriend, I read God's Word every day. That was a challenge my youth pastor to gave to me. And Alison was like the green light. And I had been proposed to and all that, like I said. But for for dads out there, like, I think your priority is your wife, before your children. If they don't see a good relationship there, they're just going to basically model a bad relationship. So, you know, we we do simple things like if we're on a date night, I literally say to my children, go away.Jeff Zaugg: [00:17:04] It's not time for you.Ben Calhoun: [00:17:06] No. Like go, like we're like just sitting on the porch and talking and the girls are all inside wanting to to say everything that's on their mind. And I just say, go away. We're, and I'm quite blunt, but like, at some point, I'm like, I just don't have the patience right now, I had a long day, go away. Because I have 10 minutes with your mother before bedtime for the little one. You know, you sometimes you have to fiercely protect that stuff and, you know what, they'll get over it. They'll be stronger. Their shoulders are good. Probably not going to hurt them forever. But showing your kids that their mother is your priority is the best thing you could do, especially for young girls. I think. And being a father of three girls and my dad did a great job of that. You know, so if you don't have a good model, my dad didn't, and he's like, I learned how to be a good dad by watching Andy Griffith and reading the Bible.Jeff Zaugg: [00:17:53] Two inputs. Two inputs. Both positive. That's so good. You mentioned earlier that your daughters, your older two daughters are on stage with you. And I've seen the YouTube channel of your your oldest, Ava, is that right? Her YouTube channel on apologetics. Raising daughters, in your case and my case, but also just kids, with confidence that can communicate in front of a camera or on a stage. What are some tips, coaching for us around instilling confidence in our kids?Ben Calhoun: [00:18:21] Well, they're going to model what they see. So you as a father, be confident in your decision making. You don't have to be on stage to do that. Just like, if you're going to make a decision for the family, like, Hey, dinner's at 5:00, don't be late. Here's the consequence if you are. That does a lot of good. Following through with a consequence and not caving in to a crying child, you know. No is the answer, no. They learn real quick, like my little one, if I say no and I mean it, I'm like no, she doesn't ask anymore because she knows she's not going to get it.Jeff Zaugg: [00:19:00] One time.Ben Calhoun: [00:19:00] One time. I don't want to repeat myself, nor do I want to waste time trying to argue with a four year old. There's no point in that. You know, at some point you have to recognize you are the general of an army. Your word is what they will do. If you don't know where to go, either will they.Jeff Zaugg: [00:19:20] So, it's lead/parent with confidence and they'll walk with more confidence.Ben Calhoun: [00:19:24] They will walk, because they have, well, think about it, think of it, if your house is built on shifting sand, that doesn't mean just like go to church. That's not what that means at all. It's a lot more than that. If you're shifting sand is I don't know where to go with my life. If you're if you're not a man of integrity and you're not the same man in every room, you're you're literally on shifting sand all the time. And those kids can tell. And they're going to grow up with these deep roots of insecurity, lack of confidence, because you don't know where you're going. So how are they going to know where where to go? It's a it's a cyclical thing. So the simple, do the simple things really well, you know, be intentional with the little things, it doesn't take much. You know, like I wrestle with Savannah, she's in taekwondo and I, we beat up on each other, right. She, she makes, she wins in sparing now, you know. And so with Ava, I can't do that. She's way too sensitive. But intellectually, intellectually, she knows that I know what I'm talking about. So I play ping pong with her. You hit it, I'll hit it back to you. And we have this wonderful engagement, right. Liv, I just spent a lot of time with her. Time. That, those first four years are crucial. You know, it's why I came off the road, because I knew, like, I'm going to miss most of this if I do this, because, you know, you can marry one thing. And most guys are like, well, I got to provide for my family, but, I'm like, but do you really need that other car or that boat? I mean, really. Or really think, you know. And so I was modeled by my family, we never lived in a big house, we lived in parsonages, but we took family vacations together. We had dinner together. We did some Bible study together. But mostly I just saw a healthy marriage. For the most part, honestly. And I saw my dad if if I got out of line, my dad spanked me when I was young and he would say when I was older, Son, I'm disappointed in you. And oh, man, that hurt because I respected my dad. But if you don't respect your father, nothing he has to say really goes. So, confidence comes from a confident leader. They will literally model what you do. So if you're not confident, either will they.Jeff Zaugg: [00:21:39] You mentioned Cats in the Cradle, earlier and then coming off the road three or four years ago, the time with your youngest that you've had, the precious time that you did not have with your older two in those first years.Ben Calhoun: [00:21:51] Not as much, no. And I did because I was super intentional, but I knew that eventually in the career path I chose, the more you're on the road and the more money you're going to make, the more successful you're going to be. And that's how the industry is built. It wants you to serve the industry. It's a never satiated monster. And I'm like, the only thing I could think about is like I, I can't get behind this anymore for a variety of reasons and so I just chose to abandon it, honestly.Jeff Zaugg: [00:22:20] This was three years ago? Ben Calhoun: [00:22:22] Yeah. 2019 was our last tour and I was done.Jeff Zaugg: [00:22:25] Yeah. So it was even a step before the Covid shutdown.Ben Calhoun: [00:22:28] Yeah, I made the decision before. Yeah.Jeff Zaugg: [00:22:30] Yeah. So the, some of us listening, career and being a family man bumps up against each other all the time. We have a decision to make, are we going to take that work trip, or we're going to take that promotion? I've got a good buddy who turned out a huge promotion simply because, I want more time with my kids.Ben Calhoun: [00:22:47] Good man. Jeff Zaugg: [00:22:47] Courageous decision.Ben Calhoun: [00:22:49] And he probably won't be known for that.Jeff Zaugg: [00:22:52] Nope. No one, nobody knows about that.Ben Calhoun: [00:22:53] Nobody knows about that. That's the the other thing is fame is the most addictive drug I've ever seen. And what people will give up for it, what they'll sacrifice for it, including the, there's a, pastors that I know that I'm like, their families fell apart a long time ago. The kids are crazy people. They believe nutso progressive Christianity things or they don't they they don't even have a relationship with their family at all. But the dad's at church every weekend. He's in the pulpit. I have seen that many times.Jeff Zaugg: [00:23:26] See, so you're, I mean, there's there are tens of thousands, maybe more people who noticed you not touring going off the road. Like it's noticeable when you're a musician who's touring on the trajectory, hit the brakes in 2019. What what caused that decision? What did you, where do you feel like you went wrong in the earlier, the decade before that? Is there, was there a portion that you're like, Nah, if I could go back, I would hit the brakes earlier, I realized something? Yeah, just process that out with us a little bit.Ben Calhoun: [00:23:55] Uh, that's good question. No, I don't regret any of it. No, And I was intentional as a husband and father. But I was finding a very difficult gap that was getting bigger between the two. And I'm like, if I, it's such a whirlwind too, but, I'm like, eventually you got to choose one. I remember that it was the same with, like, sports in college. You know, my senior year we won the national title and I didn't play and the coach is like, you sure you don't want to play like, man, I'm really feeling honestly, genuinely, the Lord has something new for me and I've been preparing for it all summer. It had to do with, I'm pretty sure I'm going to meet a girl and I'd taken seven years off from that, you know, from the age of 13 to, at that point 20 and I went from telling my coach I'm not playing because I think the Lord, I'm busy with RA and studies, I'm a senior, I got to do my music ministry is where I'm feeling called to, and I've been doing it for a few years in the summer and I think I'm going to keep going that route and I want to focus. So that means I got to say no to this thing and we're still good for it. In fact, he's a missionary now. We support him, my coach. I went from that conversation upstairs to the Commons and I met Alison.Jeff Zaugg: [00:25:09] Saying no to something that would have been a ton of recognition. Ben Calhoun: [00:25:14] We won the national title that year. I mean, if I would have been there, we probably would have lost. But the point is, you know, we were a really good team. At some point you have to choose. And it is a, the fork in the road presents itself. And I mean, think of it in scripture, you got the sheep and the goats. Good versus evil. There's two options at the end. The Great White Throat judgment has two options, the sheep or the goats, right. So at some point that that really does filter down into decision making. I have told my girls many times, girls, every decision you make leads to one of two ends. Toward God the Father or away from Him, that's it. Every decision you make in every business transaction, every relationship, every thought you have, goes to one of those two ends. And I'm like, If I keep going towards the insatiable monster of touring and all that radio, I mean, because you're only good as your last song, no matter how many records you sold, doesn't matter. Like my family is going to fall apart because the industry doesn't really care about that, no, not really, they don't care at all about my family. They're interested, the industry as an entity itself, it's a, you know, like a machine, it cares about the industry. And so you're just a cog for a time in the industry's mechanism. And I'm like, you know, I'm thankful I recognized that when I did. So, no, I don't regret, I didn't do anything that I regret, but I'm thankful I went through it. So I have wisdom now to understand how to recognize a no from a yes. Let's your yes be yes and your no be no, there's no third option. You know, maybe it's wait or not now, I guess from God's, but right. So, no, I don't have any, but to be honest with you, I was heartbroken. Still am. I was heartbroken. [00:27:05][110.6]Jeff Zaugg: [00:27:08] Grieving. Yeah.Ben Calhoun: [00:27:10] You know, I was a kid when I saw Petra and Carmen and George or Jeff Moore on stage, and that's like, that's what I wanted. And I still feel that way. But I made a commitment to my wife and part of that is just literally being present there to you got to be present to win. And so you can't be a touring artist 200 plus days a year and raise a family, you just, you can't. It's impossible.Jeff Zaugg: [00:27:36] Speak for a moment to the touring artist that is 200 days gone, or even if it's 40 days gone with their job. What are some of the like these are these are some ways you can be a great dad, a present dad, even while you're away or when you come home? Any just things like you're like, this will help, this will help in a season of a lot of travel?Ben Calhoun: [00:27:55] As much consistency as you can. I would tell my wife, how do we do it, like, you know, I would just live off of no sleep for a while, when I was home, so I could go to her schedule, you know, and assimilate. Which is also backwards because you got to be on the same page for that, because it's just the rules are just all over the place in that regard. It's just, it doesn't work well, man. It's just, I don't think the family's meant to be apart from each other. I just don't. It just doesn't work. So you know what the best answer is I can give, get out of that system.Jeff Zaugg: [00:28:30] Get out of it.Ben Calhoun: [00:28:31] Get out of it. Quit trying to deal with it. It's like putting a Band-Aid on a gaping wound, you're going to bleed to death, man. Just get out.Jeff Zaugg: [00:28:38] So, that's interesting, though, just to push back on you a little bit so there's no regrets from those, that decade for your older daughters of of a lot of touring. But yet you're saying to the young dad, get out sooner, even though like your timing was right, you listen like God led you to get out in 2019. But that's just interesting, there's both sides, you're like, get out now, but yet it was right for you for that season.Ben Calhoun: [00:29:03] Yeah, Yeah. I mean, we started the band, it was born in '07. I mean, she was four when we got signed. So I was home for her. Savannah, I missed more, but I would bring them with me as often as they could. But when you're a young band living off of t shirts, I mean, you have no money for anything.Jeff Zaugg: [00:29:22] To fly the family out.Ben Calhoun: [00:29:22] I mean, there's no money anywhere. I mean, we would have to be out there and stay out there on the West Coast because we couldn't afford to get home. And you can only go so long. I'm not saying you can't leave home or have a job that does that, but I'm saying the priorities are what's going to dictate your decisions. So if your priority is long term, a healthy family, then you know you got to be present to win. So each family is a little different, but the biblical standard is not that the father works away from the home forever and ever and ever and amen. Now, I get it, you're serving in the military, that's a that's a difficult one. I don't know how to get around that one, honestly, you just got to thank the Lord that He knows how. Because I love our men and women who serve in the armed forces and that's a tough road, man. But you can't, so, but the war for the home and for the battle for the hearts of the Father and the and the family is just as real. And so you have an opportunity to make small decisions, at least I did, and I always chose my family. And I think part of it, too, like the industry didn't like that either. And so I was labeled hard to deal with, I think in some ways. But I mean, it is a system meant for itself. It really doesn't care about you. So you're going to buck up against that naturally, because it is a biblical model and it doesn't really work. And so I think I did as long as I could, and I tried to do it the best I could and serving people generally and trying to share the gospel from stage. But I also think here's the other thing too, that I think was good. I think it's important for you to your calling is first to be a disciple of Jesus, then as a husband, then as a father and career. So but having them see me be a follower of Jesus in my chosen profession, knowing that the mechanism requires you to go out and do that, but it's also fun and cool and there's a lot of good things that come from it. I just chose to take my family with me, so there's a lot of blessings there. But they also saw what I was best at, in some ways. So there was ministry there of my girls and modeling. So it's not all bad. It's just that I was getting to the fork where I'm like, uh, you know, I can't do this anymore. I'm personally worn out and broke.Jeff Zaugg: [00:31:44] Yeah, there's the two sides. Now, the tour you just got finished with or are still doing the Daddy's Home Tour is bringing, the whole family's coming with. It living room shows, right?Ben Calhoun: [00:31:54] Yeah, Mostly living rooms and little churches. And the point is to show up together, sing together, share our family testimony. I wrote a song called Daddy's Home with my brother and our friend Brian, many years ago, and I finally did it. And, you know, the chorus is there's nothing like seeing that smile you missed, the feeling you get in your heart when you're with the ones you love. There's nothing like the joy when you realize that you're looking at forever when you look in their eyes and no matter what, it's going to be all right now because Daddy's home. Because there's nothing like seeing that smile you miss, the feeling you get in your heart when your with the ones you love. Yeah, there's nothing like the joy you realize that you're looking at forever when you look in their eyes, no matter what. It's gonna be alright now because Daddy's home. You know that feeling when your dad would, it gives me goosebumps, like when Dad would come home, I knew I was going to get in trouble. Or, you know, dinner's ready. Or we could play catch. But there's a security that only comes with the father. That's the way it was supernaturally designed from the Father. And it does not work any other way. Mom cannot fill that role, just like dads cannot fill a mother's role, right. It does not work. There are two options, hear me loud and clear, two. And that confusion in our society is running rank even on Sunday morning. Because not, they don't, just, you got to stick to God's Word. But, that that is that was a big deal for me. I knew my dad also meant I was secure. My if my dad's here, I'm good.Jeff Zaugg: [00:33:55] Well we're going to link out to that song because it should be, that should be released at the time of launching this this episode. As you were thinking about this conversation, was there any like, Oh, I'd love to share this with the dads in the dadAWESOME community? Is anything on your heart that we haven't hit yet?Ben Calhoun: [00:34:10] Any dad who's out there that I've noticed that is a good dad is usually home for dinner. They usually take the spiritual aspect of their family is their responsibility, and they take it seriously so they don't wait for Sunday morning, the pastor to do it for them or send their kids off to youth group or Christian camp or whatever the title is. They themselves raise their kids in God's Word. As the Bible said, it's on their tongue, they talk about it at the dinner table. I'm intentional with that. Just be intentional. It doesn't even take much. Let the Holy Spirit take off from there. At least give him a platform to work with. So do something instead of nothing. And realize that it's your job to help your kids come to a relationship with God the Father. Their relationship with you is the most important relationship they will ever have to know how to follow Jesus and ultimately have a relationship with God the Father. Which we cannot have on this side of heaven without Jesus. And it's weird to have a relationship with a man for a man, unless you understand the role of the Father and the bride of Christ and all that kind of stuff. But the father's role is the most important role of their spiritual formation. That's it, man. It's your job. It is from Scripture. It is your job. Take it seriously.Jeff Zaugg: [00:35:21] Thank you, Ben. I wanted you to bring some fire at the end.Ben Calhoun: [00:35:25] I hope so. Jeff Zaugg: [00:35:26] You did. You did. You know what we didn't hit is Bible memory. Memorizing Scripture and the gift of song to help it stick. There's project coming, that's not going to be out, I don't believe, when we drop this, but we'll make sure to link out in the future with the full project drops. But any any sample or example of how to turn a Bible verse into a song that's that's memorable? Ben Calhoun: [00:35:46] Yeah, I'll sing you one. We sing this in our kids, proverbs 22:6. Train up the child in the way they should go and when they're old, they won't turn from it, Proverbs 22:6, Proverbs 22:6. Train up the child in the way they should go, and when they are old, they won't turn from it, Proverbs 22:6, Proverbs 22:6 and that's it.Jeff Zaugg: [00:36:12] That's amazing.Ben Calhoun: [00:36:12] Yeah.Jeff Zaugg: [00:36:13] That's amazing.Ben Calhoun: [00:36:13] There's ones that I write like on Citizen Way albums, you'll notice every song, when we used to make albums, and have like liner notes, we don't do that anymore. There's a scripture attached to every song, right? I learned that from Steven Curtis Chapman. I've always loved God's Word. It's so cool. My father gave me the love for God's Word, so did my mom, but mostly my father. And I gave that to my kids because I modeled it. And I, I love God's Word. It's awesome. But the best thing I could do is teach it to them, right. And enjoy it myself, right. If you're enjoying it yourself, they will naturally follow you. So you don't have to have some, you know, 50 week study and the book of Leviticus, man, just open the word as a family, pick a verse and memorize it. Put it on your wall, have every kid write it on a little thing and put it in their mirror or whatever. Do something that's unique to your family, but always center in God's word. I can also encourage you, dads, when you if you do those simple things, you know, take the Vince Lombardi approach, gentlemen, this is a football. Just get it in the end zone. Do it together as a team. My favorite team was the '90s Bulls and Jordan needed everybody on that court, including Phil Jackson. And you have to have a great team and you can do great things with a great team. Your family is the best team you'll ever have. If you neglect them, you're going to lose man.Jeff Zaugg: [00:37:34] Would you say a prayer for these teams, these dads listening that represent amazing teams? Would you pray over all of us?Ben Calhoun: [00:37:39] Absolutely. And I'll start with with a verse. My dad loves Philippians 1:6, so I'll just pray that over all of you dads. He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it till the day of Christ Jesus. Heavenly Father, thank you for your Word. Thank you for the Truth that there is a Truth and that You are the Way, the Truth and the Life, Jesus. Help us to understand the world through the inspiration of the Holy Spirit. Lord, inspire us, convict us to read it on our own so that we may be leaders in our family and not be concerned with the next business deal unless it helps our family become a stronger unit together. Lord, help us to love being home for dinner, to be up with the sun thinking of ways we can help our family grow in a relationship together towards being discipled towards a relationship with God the Father through the Word. Lord, help us to say no to things that don't matter or even that are good, because that might sacrifice the simple things of greatness to being a family. Lord, help us to understand how to love our wives as our first priority and to cherish them and lead their family from that point of view. Lord, help us to be strong in our communities and say no to evil. And help us to understand how to deal and navigate with the end times that we're in and to look to your Word to do so. He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it to the day of Christ Jesus, Philippians 1:6. Dads, we are in those days, and I would encourage you to know God's Word so that you know where to go, because otherwise you're going to get swept away with the tide like I used to be. In Jesus name, Amen.Jeff Zaugg: [00:39:40] Thank you so much for joining us today for episode 281 with Ben Calhoun. Couple action steps, I just mentioned to Ben that I'm going to invite our dadAWESOME community in to following and celebrating and kind of being a part of his music as it drops. If you guys jump to the show notes, there's a couple of links, one of them is over to Ben's Instagram to follow him there. Another is to his YouTube channel to follow the new videos coming out. And then the third is Spotify. If you could follow Ben Calhoun, this solo project that he's releasing this summer in the country music space and he's got some other songs releasing soon. He is so excited to bring his deep passion for God's Word, deep passion for family into some of these new spaces, after 20 years with Citizen Way, kind of going into some solo projects. So, wand to encourage you guys to show some love. Reach out with those links and give some follows. And also his children's book, Savannah's Pajamas, that he wrote with his daughter. That's the link to the show notes as well. Guys, our show notes that I mentioned are at dadawesome.org/281, to get all the show notes there and all the links that I just mentioned. Guys, thank you for choosing to be dadAWESOME. Not not perfect dads, but dads who are pursuing the hearts of your kids. Let's pray over our kids this week. Let's play, let's get down on the floor, let's wrestle with them. Let's send that text message or leave that note on the mirror this week. Let's let's pursue with our presence, our intentionality. Let's make sure our kids know, man, we love being their dad. Have a great week, guys.