Nick Foulks.

Featured Music: Substance Variant (free download)

Recommended Books:
Raising a Modern-Day Knight (Robert Lewis)

The New Strong-Willed Child (James C. Dobson)

Episode Transscript:

Your children are and even people around

you’re off and becoming what you say of

them they become the things that you

believe about them and what you tell

them they can and cannot be who they are

and who they are not the world is for

sure going to try to tell them who they

are and who they’re not but there is no

more powerful voice than those of the

dad and the mom reaffirming truth into

your kids so that’s why for me it’s very

very important that they they know who

they are especially for my kids being

interracial and right now in this this

time in the country that we live in like

there is some racial tension right and

we were even at the conference we’re at

right now there it was a huge underlying

theme of what we’re talking about so for

me I have to help instill the identity

of who they’re going to be and who they

are in Christ right there is a good

friend of mine who he was talking about

they had lost a child and he was praying

in his car and the Lord just spoke to

him because he was upset and he was like

God like this was all in your hands like

you’re the one who’s in control right I

can that baby was in the womb it was up

to you and God just kind of paused him

and was like whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa

you do understand that I’m that kids

real father right that like you are an

intermittent parent Wow that like I lend

that child to you for a season but then

I take them home like I’m the true dad

and when we look at it from that

perspective that like we’re stewarding

what belongs to God and when we speak to

our kids we’re speaking to something

that belongs to God that he’s lend

lending to us for a season to honor him

with so we have to be so cautious of

what we speak in to us

I’m jumping forward a little bit in our

conversation to Nick

building upon at this idea of their

family values and how him and Shelley

have been intentional with instilling of

values in their kids the biggest thing

that we try to do is first of all not

focus necessarily on whether it’s a

black or white issue or whether you’re

Asian or Native American or Indian or

Mexican American or whatever it may be

right now but rather that it’s a folks

you know like who are the folks family

yeah what does it mean to be a folks how

do the folks carry themselves what does

it mean to be one of us right what do we

value as a family and then ask yourself

are you living those values are you

showing and reflecting those values you

were asking me earlier before we started

you know what are the things that

because one of the things that I make

sure Zach knows as as my son and as a

house and as a son of my house and as a

folks and I really gathered it from

reading a book called raising a

modern-day knight so great resource for

dads yeah it talks about the rites of

passage that we lack in our culture

today so there’s no clear sign of

manhood there’s no clear signs of

responsibility so if you asked my son

Zach you know exactly what what is your

job you’ll hear him say you know my job

is to protect his job is to protect his

sisters yeah and so when he’s rude or

mean to his sisters and I asked him Zach

does that look like protecting your

sisters or hurting them he’s like no

that doesn’t look like protective what’s

her job my job is to protect and then

you ask them you know what are you

what’s the rest of your job my job is to

be kind there’s enough people out there

in the world that are not kind but we

reflect Christ and we reflect the

kindness of Christ so what does that

look like that looks like serving and

that looks like taking care of people in

a quick side story okay

he was in his class and there was a

little girl who these boys were making

fun of because her nails were painted

and so Zach stepped

and said he said listen she should not

feel bad about having her nails painted

her nails look beautiful yes and he said

if you ever make fun of her again I’ll

beat you up you know and I work out with

my dad so so he was protecting that

little girl because he felt like they

should not you know nobody should be

making fun of her you should be kind and

so that was you know and we get those

compliments from his teachers you know

like he’s so kind he he’s very

protective of people because and that’s

something I’m trying to instill in him

so be kind so protect be kind yeah tell

the truth yeah there’s nothing that will

get us more upset in our household than

like I don’t care if you did wrong I

care if you won’t tell me the truth

about it so tell me the truth and then

the last one is listen and obey the

first time it’s not about eventually you

do something it’s learning how to listen

and obey the first time and the reason I

wanted still that in him is not so that

he’s just you know really impressive in

front of other people I tell him to do

something I say jump and he says how

high it’s not that it’s because I want

to teach him how to listen to an earthly

father the first time so he learns how

to listen to a heavenly father the first

time so he doesn’t have to live his life

going through like man I really wish I

would have listened to what God put on

my heart the first time but now I got a

circle back and do this whole life

lesson again so if I can teach him how

to obey an earthly father the first time

yeah then he will hopefully obey his

Heavenly Father the first time as well

and so and it’s very similar for my

girls it’s the same type of thing to

instill those those values I have to

prepare them that like yes people will

treat you different but what I what I

had to get away from was like this

garden mentality like listen people are

going to be this way to you because

maybe they won’t be yeah right yeah so

hopefully my prayer is that there won’t

be so it’s not me saying you know people

are gonna be this way it’s if people

should treat you like this here’s what

you need to know

about you is that you’re different but

you’re different in a good way you’re

you’re an expression of mom and dad’s

love yeah

and God has uniquely created you and

gifted you and no you don’t look like

everybody else but why would you want to

look like everybody else yeah you know

okay you know why people touch your hair

it’s because your hair doesn’t look like

everybody else’s hair and they love how

curly it is and they look you know why

people I can’t get over you cuz your

skin skin so gold and they can they

can’t believe it you know and just

encouraging them in the beauty of who

they are and how uniquely they’re made

like Marlena do you know how beautiful

you’re gonna be you got blue eyes and

bronze skin girl I’m gonna have to lock

you in the house you know just tell the

clothes things like um so words of

beauty and affirmation and yeah beauty

of their differences you know and

encouraging them in that not saying you

know people are gonna treat you bad

because you’re different but I listen

you’re beautiful you don’t look like

everybody else but that’s cos God may be

unique and celebrate your beauty and

celebrate your uniqueness and that you

don’t look like everybody else cuz how

fun would that be right but yet calling

them and calling them to a higher

standard not because they’re different

but because they’re christ-like yeah you

know what I mean like I feel like when I

was growing up and I love my mom and dad

it was but I I went through this battle

of like listen people aren’t gonna look

at you the same cuz my sister we were

some of the first african-american

children to live in the school district

we were in yeah right so we’re growing

up in this predominantly white area and

all eyes are on me because I’m setting

precedent for you know people of color

coming into that that school district

you know there were just some values and

some principles which helped me excel

but also made me a little bit jaded like

people are going to you know they’re

gonna expect more they’re gonna be

looking for an opportunity to nail you

to the wall if you’re not perfect if

you’re not better than if you’re not

equal to and so I had to deal with that

and there was like some of the cynicism

that comes with that and some of the

edge like the roughness that comes

around you from that and I don’t want my

kids to be like that I want to demand

more of them because

my guys are different because of their

skin color but because of who God is in

them you know because they know Christ

I’d be different respond different act

different because you are different

because you got the Spirit of God living

in you that other people don’t

necessarily have yeah so that’s that’s

why I want to draw them to a higher

level

[Music]

could a jump forward to my next question

which was asking Nick what

characteristics he saw in his dad that

he wants to repeat and how he leads as a

dad I love my dad so much I look at

young men today and my heart breaks for

them cuz they don’t have that that dad

who loved you enough to call you on your

crap right like my dad was not perfect

but he was there he would save his

vacation to travel with me for

basketball if he was doing something he

wasn’t doing it with like out me being

out there he didn’t need my help you

know I’m just holding stuff but it was

the side by side and it was the

conversations he was so intentional

about when seasons of my life were

changing that he was gonna have

conversations like when I was what I was

going through rough seasons my dad would

be like get your clothes ready cuz

tomorrow we’re going fishing in the

morning thanks I’m gonna wake you up

boy you better be ready and that

wasn’t just because he wanted to go out

and catch some fish

he knew that time on a boat just made

him yeah was his time to talk to me yeah

and so we would sit there and my classic

dad’s question so what’s going on with

you nothing I’m fine

yeah mm-hmm okay we don’t be out here so

he just he wait me out man and but I had

so many conversations about what did it

mean to be a man yeah and what did it

mean to take responsibility for my

actions and one of the things cuz I was

super like I dealt with a lot of anger

being young and he taught me how to

maintain he would always say you need to

learn how to maintain emotion

control like nobody can take control of

you unless you let them you know and he

taught me about like when it was when I

wanted to marry Shelly what did that

mean and uh just telling me but this is

it you know he said you don’t make this

decision but one time you don’t say but

one time I do there’s no quitting

vestnik so highly I pray I pray I could

because intentional with some of these

conversations that he was with me but

not only attentional and there but with

my time there’s so many moments like on

the driveway playing basketball against

him I haven’t never forget conversation

that made me a man challenged me and my

character to be consistent to know who I

was I never let anybody tell me who I

wasn’t and that’s what I want to carry

in to my kids it’s like intentional

conversations and being willing to wait

them out like I don’t care how long this

takes

yeah we’re gonna be here

[Music]

the moments that can be created through

intentional weekly rhythms and it’s not

thinking we’re not perfect we can’t it’s

not regimented it’s every week with all

four kids one-on-ones impossible but in

the you know I can I can I take steps

that sacrifice other things you know

maybe we’re not both playing in our

basketball because here those are God’s

we’re not this is a season of like I can

never have back you know so tell me

about and I know about a few of them but

I’d love for our listeners to hear what

are some of those and I do this every

week right do I try hard to do this as

often as possible to create those

moments that I can wait out my kids tell

us about a few those rhythms the family

Friday for us that’s huge because you

know working two two different jobs is

consuming and my kids know they know

there’s two days that dad is all ours

family Friday their dad what are we

doing for family Friday because you know

I’m gonna be playing a board game

together or uno or drawing coloring

contests or making cupcakes or watching

movies and pop and popcorn and everybody

snuggle up on the couch and but they

know like that’s our time like family

Friday is our time and mom and dad

aren’t gonna schedule something over

that so and it’s hard because you know

working in ministry people want to spend

time with you right now families want to

get together with you but we do have

limited time so we have to prioritize

those things and say like that’s what

family Friday is and then Saturday

mornings Saturday mornings a you know

that’s big breakfast time like they’re

gonna help me make pancakes you know

Marlene is gonna be trying to crawl up

and I help I help um and we’re gonna do

that and then we got our swim lesson so

whether that’s Wednesday or Saturday we

have our swim lesson time and then after

swim lessons is another time where I

have like just Zach inadar just my two

older kids we usually go you know like –

maybe it’s like we found

and get something or Culver’s or

whatever it may be but it’s just you

know the time I’ve we stagger the

classes so that one kids in the water

and I’m watching them but I’m also

sitting side by side yeah and talking

with the other one yeah and hearing how

they’re doing and encouraging and

telling me how I’m proud of them

um and then they switch yeah and so I

have that time with them and then

afterwards I have time with just the two

of them just connecting with them so

there’s some intentional things that we

try to do to make sure that we are just

spending our time but one of the things

like man as a dad I want to encourage

dads like if you have to go to Home

Depot Minar it’s whatever it is you know

Fleet Farm like grab one of your kids

and bring them with yes it may slow down

the process for you looking for stuff I

look and there was like so many times my

dad was like get your coat get shoes and

I was like where are we going he’s like

that doesn’t matter get in the car yeah

yeah okay but that was my time to talk

to him yeah he knew he had other stuff

that he had to get done but he also knew

that he had to drive there and he was

gonna have time

and so I I try to do that like walking

through the store just I bring Zach with

me I bring a Dyer with me and I do I

take one of them I don’t think both

right I choose one and that’s my time

that’s like just a little additional

time I said come on let’s have some some

daddy-daughter time let’s have some

father-son time yeah and I snagged them

and I take them with me just so that

that way those moments I don’t miss

moments you know or just try to find

moments either

[Music]

if I knew then what I know now I would

love to give this tip to myself back

then can you think of a moment that

maybe a yeah that that you you wish you

could have back as a dad yeah so I’m

super driven and when I first went into

like full-time professional life at

corporate side like business side there

was so much of me that was trying to

prove like can I do this right I’ve been

successful in ministry like God had

blessed me and giving me favor there but

can I do this there was a season where I

was just working like crazy I just

started missing moments I miss moments

because I was trying to obtain things

for them right sure

like you want to give your kids a better

it whether you like whether you think

you’re going to do this or not

subconsciously it is ingrained in you

that you want to provide a better life

for your kids and maybe even what you

had right or you want to give your kids

the best opportunities that they can a

half or the best lifestyle and I found

myself working to generate bigger

incomes so that I could you know get

more things from them or give them

bigger better or whatever and watching

those things sit around your house or go

unused because they’re best used with

you and your child was a real wake-up

call yeah that I’d rather have less and

more time than more things and not

enough time to do it with them so that’s

like what I would go back and say is

like don’t waste your don’t waste your

time earning money to spend on things

they don’t actually want when you know

you building a cardboard box castle with

them was way cooler then you know any

toy that you were gonna buy like a swing

sets only awesome when you’re pushing

them I’ve really got  years right so

I’ve got eight of those are gone I got

years left with the dark

and then also and you start to do the

math on the number of days that is right

that will mess with you and you start to

go I’ve got this many days really left

before they are out of your house in

college and making some of their own

decisions based on what you’ve instilled

in them it’ll mess with you yeah so what

I had to do is go okay based on this

, foot view of what I want to pour

into my child and into my family and

what I want this to look like how does

this decision I’m about to make way out

how does the basketball league compare

to that you know like how do I want to

set up my budget in comparison to that

like we took a you know we weren’t gonna

take a family vacation this year but

after like a year of transition and

adding another baby I looked and I was

like no we need moments yeah we need

moments that our kids look back on and

you know they need they need the moments

in in the pool wrestling they need the

moments in the snow ain’t playing what

we call bucking bronco oh yeah you know

uh and and you have to start to decide

what moments are you gonna create and

they’re gonna create moments for

yourself or even create moments for your

family my dad missed one game from the

time I started playing in sixth grade

till I graduated high school like that’s

that’s what I remember most about

basketball yeah was that he was there

it’s with you he was with me so like I

remember traveling with him I remember

laughing with him in the hotel rooms

yeah and you know being on the buses

with him and and I sacrificed a lot no

they’re all the vacation time all the

things he could have been doing like all

the home projects or fishing trips or

like whatever he wanted to do with his

his friends and and stuff like that and

and I’m am I saying that we need to give

up everything for our kids no but he

knew that when it was all said and done

he wanted to have the relationship that

he has with me now yeah

and so that’s what I’m that’s what I

weigh out it’s like it wasn’t even the

moment it was the fact that he was there

in the moments

and then I want to spotlight the

compounded effect it’s your dad he

invested that he showed you you were

worth it did you have you wanted the one

at one time mm-hmm he wanted he he

pursued like being with you and sharing

those moments

now that investment just compounded your

you’re an investment guy right and now

you its competitor you and your four

kids you know are experiencing very

similar you know you are for them your

speaking words of life over them now

someday that the generations all

throughout the Bible about the Janet

like like to the third and fourth

generation to be dead like that we are

part of something much bigger that’s

back to the pan out , feet yeah and

I think we forget about it way to off it

yeah that’s I mean that’s one of my

prayers for this podcast this resource

that we can help I can help myself do

that yeah then the dads will think more

what is possible in the law in the

years in the  years Emmy what what

about further or even than that

yes so think about it like this men like

think about your kids are grown and

they’re adults

and they’re talking to their kids about

you what will they say how will they

describe grandpa how would they describe

dad to their kids what will be the

generational legacy you leave well it’d

be yeah

grandpa was um you know grandpa didn’t

really do that that kind of stuff with

us he wasn’t really he wasn’t you know

he was busy he built he was great in

business your grandfather was a great

businessman but no didn’t really we

didn’t really do family vacations we

didn’t really do you know or will it be

the way that like I talked about my not

like grandpa was there like even now I

was talking to my dad cuz we’re getting

ready to put in a fence at our house and

he’s like well let me know I’ll schedule

the dates off and he comes up and he’s

gonna dig holes with me importantly you

know like that’s the kind of like okay

yeah and I want my kids to look back at

me like

you know grandpa Nick grandpa Nick was

all about family time like he used to be

hey like you should have seen our family

Fridays growing up with Grandpa Nick

that’s how he was you know maybe as

friends we just need to start calling

each other reset your brain you know are

you thinking how will your kids describe

you to their kids yeah Wow

you mentioned raising modern-day Knights

music book that’s impacted you as it

yeah so I will link that you don’t even

have to elaborate because you did

already a little bit but is there one

other resource you’re like yep this has

been helpful oh my gosh yeah dr. James

Dobson raising the strong were strong

willed child so dealing with strong real

child just understanding that how do you

do that right because it’s you know some

people they have that first kid in that

first kid so easy that’s a daughter

she’s like you know she like came out

being like how can I help okay but then

you have other kids that aren’t like

that and to not be like what did we do

wrong you didn’t do anything wrong

you didn’t shape them that way God

shaped them with a strong will for the

perfect for his purposes but you have to

learn how to mold that strong will for

him yeah and so we were in a spot where

we were like we don’t know what to do

with this child and just being

vulnerable like we were like water how

do we I don’t know how to handle her and

 

James Dobson ‘s book was so

life-changing for us on not letting

ourselves get to a point where we're so

emotionally overwhelmed that we don't we

can't properly love on this child that

like okay let's set the right boundaries

and let's discipline in the right way to

mold that well good thank you and I will

link both of those and the here's a

promise we've gotten through three of my

 questions during this first round

sorry oh so we are going round two we're

gonna do a round two with Nick folks and

I'm pumped for our second covers

I mean I get I'm grateful to have years

of just these conversations of learning

but this has been one of the most

intentional ones and I've been blessed

by this conversation so thank you for

your vulnerability thank you for walking

out this journey being a dad and with

that legacy focus and not being perfect

yeah but being faithful yeah