Nick Foulks (episode 014)

Nick Foulks.Featured Music: Substance Variant (free download)Recommended Books:Raising a Modern-Day Knight (Robert Lewis)The New Strong-Willed Child (James C. Dobson)

Episode Transscript:

Your children are and even people aroundyou're off and becoming what you say ofthem they become the things that youbelieve about them and what you tellthem they can and cannot be who they areand who they are not the world is forsure going to try to tell them who theyare and who they're not but there is nomore powerful voice than those of thedad and the mom reaffirming truth intoyour kids so that's why for me it's veryvery important that they they know whothey are especially for my kids beinginterracial and right now in this thistime in the country that we live in likethere is some racial tension right andwe were even at the conference we're atright now there it was a huge underlyingtheme of what we're talking about so forme I have to help instill the identityof who they're going to be and who theyare in Christ right there is a goodfriend of mine who he was talking aboutthey had lost a child and he was prayingin his car and the Lord just spoke tohim because he was upset and he was likeGod like this was all in your hands likeyou're the one who's in control right Ican that baby was in the womb it was upto you and God just kind of paused himand was like whoa whoa whoa whoa whoayou do understand that I'm that kidsreal father right that like you are anintermittent parent Wow that like I lendthat child to you for a season but thenI take them home like I'm the true dadand when we look at it from thatperspective that like we're stewardingwhat belongs to God and when we speak toour kids we're speaking to somethingthat belongs to God that he's lendlending to us for a season to honor himwith so we have to be so cautious ofwhat we speak in to usI'm jumping forward a little bit in ourconversation to Nickbuilding upon at this idea of theirfamily values and how him and Shelleyhave been intentional with instilling ofvalues in their kids the biggest thingthat we try to do is first of all notfocus necessarily on whether it's ablack or white issue or whether you'reAsian or Native American or Indian orMexican American or whatever it may beright now but rather that it's a folksyou know like who are the folks familyyeah what does it mean to be a folks howdo the folks carry themselves what doesit mean to be one of us right what do wevalue as a family and then ask yourselfare you living those values are youshowing and reflecting those values youwere asking me earlier before we startedyou know what are the things thatbecause one of the things that I makesure Zach knows as as my son and as ahouse and as a son of my house and as afolks and I really gathered it fromreading a book called raising amodern-day knight so great resource fordads yeah it talks about the rites ofpassage that we lack in our culturetoday so there's no clear sign ofmanhood there's no clear signs ofresponsibility so if you asked my sonZach you know exactly what what is yourjob you'll hear him say you know my jobis to protect his job is to protect hissisters yeah and so when he's rude ormean to his sisters and I asked him Zachdoes that look like protecting yoursisters or hurting them he's like nothat doesn't look like protective what'sher job my job is to protect and thenyou ask them you know what are youwhat's the rest of your job my job is tobe kind there's enough people out therein the world that are not kind but wereflect Christ and we reflect thekindness of Christ so what does thatlook like that looks like serving andthat looks like taking care of people ina quick side story okayhe was in his class and there was alittle girl who these boys were makingfun of because her nails were paintedand so Zach steppedand said he said listen she should notfeel bad about having her nails paintedher nails look beautiful yes and he saidif you ever make fun of her again I'llbeat you up you know and I work out withmy dad so so he was protecting thatlittle girl because he felt like theyshould not you know nobody should bemaking fun of her you should be kind andso that was you know and we get thosecompliments from his teachers you knowlike he's so kind he he's veryprotective of people because and that'ssomething I'm trying to instill in himso be kind so protect be kind yeah tellthe truth yeah there's nothing that willget us more upset in our household thanlike I don't care if you did wrong Icare if you won't tell me the truthabout it so tell me the truth and thenthe last one is listen and obey thefirst time it's not about eventually youdo something it's learning how to listenand obey the first time and the reason Iwanted still that in him is not so thathe's just you know really impressive infront of other people I tell him to dosomething I say jump and he says howhigh it's not that it's because I wantto teach him how to listen to an earthlyfather the first time so he learns howto listen to a heavenly father the firsttime so he doesn't have to live his lifegoing through like man I really wish Iwould have listened to what God put onmy heart the first time but now I got acircle back and do this whole lifelesson again so if I can teach him howto obey an earthly father the first timeyeah then he will hopefully obey hisHeavenly Father the first time as welland so and it's very similar for mygirls it's the same type of thing toinstill those those values I have toprepare them that like yes people willtreat you different but what I what Ihad to get away from was like thisgarden mentality like listen people aregoing to be this way to you becausemaybe they won't be yeah right yeah sohopefully my prayer is that there won'tbe so it's not me saying you know peopleare gonna be this way it's if peopleshould treat you like this here's whatyou need to knowabout you is that you're different butyou're different in a good way you'reyou're an expression of mom and dad'slove yeahand God has uniquely created you andgifted you and no you don't look likeeverybody else but why would you want tolook like everybody else yeah you knowokay you know why people touch your hairit's because your hair doesn't look likeeverybody else's hair and they love howcurly it is and they look you know whypeople I can't get over you cuz yourskin skin so gold and they can theycan't believe it you know and justencouraging them in the beauty of whothey are and how uniquely they're madelike Marlena do you know how beautifulyou're gonna be you got blue eyes andbronze skin girl I'm gonna have to lockyou in the house you know just tell theclothes things like um so words ofbeauty and affirmation and yeah beautyof their differences you know andencouraging them in that not saying youknow people are gonna treat you badbecause you're different but I listenyou're beautiful you don't look likeeverybody else but that's cos God may beunique and celebrate your beauty andcelebrate your uniqueness and that youdon't look like everybody else cuz howfun would that be right but yet callingthem and calling them to a higherstandard not because they're differentbut because they're christ-like yeah youknow what I mean like I feel like when Iwas growing up and I love my mom and dadit was but I I went through this battleof like listen people aren't gonna lookat you the same cuz my sister we weresome of the first african-americanchildren to live in the school districtwe were in yeah right so we're growingup in this predominantly white area andall eyes are on me because I'm settingprecedent for you know people of colorcoming into that that school districtyou know there were just some values andsome principles which helped me excelbut also made me a little bit jaded likepeople are going to you know they'regonna expect more they're gonna belooking for an opportunity to nail youto the wall if you're not perfect ifyou're not better than if you're notequal to and so I had to deal with thatand there was like some of the cynicismthat comes with that and some of theedge like the roughness that comesaround you from that and I don't want mykids to be like that I want to demandmore of them becausemy guys are different because of theirskin color but because of who God is inthem you know because they know ChristI'd be different respond different actdifferent because you are differentbecause you got the Spirit of God livingin you that other people don'tnecessarily have yeah so that's that'swhy I want to draw them to a higherlevel[Music]could a jump forward to my next questionwhich was asking Nick whatcharacteristics he saw in his dad thathe wants to repeat and how he leads as adad I love my dad so much I look atyoung men today and my heart breaks forthem cuz they don't have that that dadwho loved you enough to call you on yourcrap right like my dad was not perfectbut he was there he would save hisvacation to travel with me forbasketball if he was doing something hewasn't doing it with like out me beingout there he didn't need my help youknow I'm just holding stuff but it wasthe side by side and it was theconversations he was so intentionalabout when seasons of my life werechanging that he was gonna haveconversations like when I was what I wasgoing through rough seasons my dad wouldbe like get your clothes ready cuztomorrow we're going fishing in themorning thanks I'm gonna wake you up boy you better be ready and thatwasn't just because he wanted to go outand catch some fishhe knew that time on a boat just madehim yeah was his time to talk to me yeahand so we would sit there and my classicdad's question so what's going on withyou nothing I'm fineyeah mm-hmm okay we don't be out here sohe just he wait me out man and but I hadso many conversations about what did itmean to be a man yeah and what did itmean to take responsibility for myactions and one of the things cuz I wassuper like I dealt with a lot of angerbeing young and he taught me how tomaintain he would always say you need tolearn how to maintain emotioncontrol like nobody can take control ofyou unless you let them you know and hetaught me about like when it was when Iwanted to marry Shelly what did thatmean and uh just telling me but this isit you know he said you don't make thisdecision but one time you don't say butone time I do there's no quittingvestnik so highly I pray I pray I couldbecause intentional with some of theseconversations that he was with me butnot only attentional and there but withmy time there's so many moments like onthe driveway playing basketball againsthim I haven't never forget conversationthat made me a man challenged me and mycharacter to be consistent to know who Iwas I never let anybody tell me who Iwasn't and that's what I want to carryin to my kids it's like intentionalconversations and being willing to waitthem out like I don't care how long thistakesyeah we're gonna be here[Music]the moments that can be created throughintentional weekly rhythms and it's notthinking we're not perfect we can't it'snot regimented it's every week with allfour kids one-on-ones impossible but inthe you know I can I can I take stepsthat sacrifice other things you knowmaybe we're not both playing in ourbasketball because here those are God'swe're not this is a season of like I cannever have back you know so tell meabout and I know about a few of them butI'd love for our listeners to hear whatare some of those and I do this everyweek right do I try hard to do this asoften as possible to create thosemoments that I can wait out my kids tellus about a few those rhythms the familyFriday for us that's huge because youknow working two two different jobs isconsuming and my kids know they knowthere's two days that dad is all oursfamily Friday their dad what are wedoing for family Friday because you knowI'm gonna be playing a board gametogether or uno or drawing coloringcontests or making cupcakes or watchingmovies and pop and popcorn and everybodysnuggle up on the couch and but theyknow like that's our time like familyFriday is our time and mom and dadaren't gonna schedule something overthat so and it's hard because you knowworking in ministry people want to spendtime with you right now families want toget together with you but we do havelimited time so we have to prioritizethose things and say like that's whatfamily Friday is and then Saturdaymornings Saturday mornings a you knowthat's big breakfast time like they'regonna help me make pancakes you knowMarlene is gonna be trying to crawl upand I help I help um and we're gonna dothat and then we got our swim lesson sowhether that's Wednesday or Saturday wehave our swim lesson time and then afterswim lessons is another time where Ihave like just Zach inadar just my twoolder kids we usually go you know like -maybe it's like we foundand get something or Culver's orwhatever it may be but it's just youknow the time I've we stagger theclasses so that one kids in the waterand I'm watching them but I'm alsositting side by side yeah and talkingwith the other one yeah and hearing howthey're doing and encouraging andtelling me how I'm proud of themum and then they switch yeah and so Ihave that time with them and thenafterwards I have time with just the twoof them just connecting with them sothere's some intentional things that wetry to do to make sure that we are justspending our time but one of the thingslike man as a dad I want to encouragedads like if you have to go to HomeDepot Minar it's whatever it is you knowFleet Farm like grab one of your kidsand bring them with yes it may slow downthe process for you looking for stuff Ilook and there was like so many times mydad was like get your coat get shoes andI was like where are we going he's likethat doesn't matter get in the car yeahyeah okay but that was my time to talkto him yeah he knew he had other stuffthat he had to get done but he also knewthat he had to drive there and he wasgonna have timeand so I I try to do that like walkingthrough the store just I bring Zach withme I bring a Dyer with me and I do Itake one of them I don't think bothright I choose one and that's my timethat's like just a little additionaltime I said come on let's have some somedaddy-daughter time let's have somefather-son time yeah and I snagged themand I take them with me just so thatthat way those moments I don't missmoments you know or just try to findmoments either[Music]if I knew then what I know now I wouldlove to give this tip to myself backthen can you think of a moment thatmaybe a yeah that that you you wish youcould have back as a dad yeah so I'msuper driven and when I first went intolike full-time professional life atcorporate side like business side therewas so much of me that was trying toprove like can I do this right I've beensuccessful in ministry like God hadblessed me and giving me favor there butcan I do this there was a season where Iwas just working like crazy I juststarted missing moments I miss momentsbecause I was trying to obtain thingsfor them right surelike you want to give your kids a betterit whether you like whether you thinkyou're going to do this or notsubconsciously it is ingrained in youthat you want to provide a better lifefor your kids and maybe even what youhad right or you want to give your kidsthe best opportunities that they can ahalf or the best lifestyle and I foundmyself working to generate biggerincomes so that I could you know getmore things from them or give thembigger better or whatever and watchingthose things sit around your house or gounused because they're best used withyou and your child was a real wake-upcall yeah that I'd rather have less andmore time than more things and notenough time to do it with them so that'slike what I would go back and say islike don't waste your don't waste yourtime earning money to spend on thingsthey don't actually want when you knowyou building a cardboard box castle withthem was way cooler then you know anytoy that you were gonna buy like a swingsets only awesome when you're pushingthem I've really got  years right soI've got eight of those are gone I got years left with the darkand then also and you start to do themath on the number of days that is rightthat will mess with you and you start togo I've got this many days really leftbefore they are out of your house incollege and making some of their owndecisions based on what you've instilledin them it'll mess with you yeah so whatI had to do is go okay based on this, foot view of what I want to pourinto my child and into my family andwhat I want this to look like how doesthis decision I'm about to make way outhow does the basketball league compareto that you know like how do I want toset up my budget in comparison to thatlike we took a you know we weren't gonnatake a family vacation this year butafter like a year of transition andadding another baby I looked and I waslike no we need moments yeah we needmoments that our kids look back on andyou know they need they need the momentsin in the pool wrestling they need themoments in the snow ain't playing whatwe call bucking bronco oh yeah you knowuh and and you have to start to decidewhat moments are you gonna create andthey're gonna create moments foryourself or even create moments for yourfamily my dad missed one game from thetime I started playing in sixth gradetill I graduated high school like that'sthat's what I remember most aboutbasketball yeah was that he was thereit's with you he was with me so like Iremember traveling with him I rememberlaughing with him in the hotel roomsyeah and you know being on the buseswith him and and I sacrificed a lot nothey're all the vacation time all thethings he could have been doing like allthe home projects or fishing trips orlike whatever he wanted to do with hishis friends and and stuff like that andand I'm am I saying that we need to giveup everything for our kids no but heknew that when it was all said and donehe wanted to have the relationship thathe has with me now yeahand so that's what I'm that's what Iweigh out it's like it wasn't even themoment it was the fact that he was therein the momentsand then I want to spotlight thecompounded effect it's your dad heinvested that he showed you you wereworth it did you have you wanted the oneat one time mm-hmm he wanted he hepursued like being with you and sharingthose momentsnow that investment just compounded youryou're an investment guy right and nowyou its competitor you and your fourkids you know are experiencing verysimilar you know you are for them yourspeaking words of life over them nowsomeday that the generations allthroughout the Bible about the Janetlike like to the third and fourthgeneration to be dead like that we arepart of something much bigger that'sback to the pan out , feet yeah andI think we forget about it way to off ityeah that's I mean that's one of myprayers for this podcast this resourcethat we can help I can help myself dothat yeah then the dads will think morewhat is possible in the law in the years in the  years Emmy what whatabout further or even than thatyes so think about it like this men likethink about your kids are grown andthey're adultsand they're talking to their kids aboutyou what will they say how will theydescribe grandpa how would they describedad to their kids what will be thegenerational legacy you leave well it'dbe yeahgrandpa was um you know grandpa didn'treally do that that kind of stuff withus he wasn't really he wasn't you knowhe was busy he built he was great inbusiness your grandfather was a greatbusinessman but no didn't really wedidn't really do family vacations wedidn't really do you know or will it bethe way that like I talked about my notlike grandpa was there like even now Iwas talking to my dad cuz we're gettingready to put in a fence at our house andhe's like well let me know I'll schedulethe dates off and he comes up and he'sgonna dig holes with me importantly youknow like that's the kind of like okayyeah and I want my kids to look back atme likeyou know grandpa Nick grandpa Nick wasall about family time like he used to behey like you should have seen our familyFridays growing up with Grandpa Nickthat's how he was you know maybe asfriends we just need to start callingeach other reset your brain you know areyou thinking how will your kids describeyou to their kids yeah Wowyou mentioned raising modern-day Knightsmusic book that's impacted you as ityeah so I will link that you don't evenhave to elaborate because you didalready a little bit but is there oneother resource you're like yep this hasbeen helpful oh my gosh yeah dr. JamesDobson raising the strong were strongwilled child so dealing with strong realchild just understanding that how do youdo that right because it's you know somepeople they have that first kid in thatfirst kid so easy that's a daughtershe's like you know she like came outbeing like how can I help okay but thenyou have other kids that aren't likethat and to not be like what did we dowrong you didn't do anything wrongyou didn't shape them that way Godshaped them with a strong will for theperfect for his purposes but you have tolearn how to mold that strong will forhim yeah and so we were in a spot wherewe were like we don't know what to dowith this child and just beingvulnerable like we were like water howdo we I don't know how to handle her and James Dobson 's book was so

life-changing for us on not lettingourselves get to a point where we're soemotionally overwhelmed that we don't wecan't properly love on this child thatlike okay let's set the right boundariesand let's discipline in the right way tomold that well good thank you and I willlink both of those and the here's apromise we've gotten through three of my questions during this first roundsorry oh so we are going round two we'regonna do a round two with Nick folks andI'm pumped for our second coversI mean I get I'm grateful to have yearsof just these conversations of learningbut this has been one of the mostintentional ones and I've been blessedby this conversation so thank you foryour vulnerability thank you for walkingout this journey being a dad and withthat legacy focus and not being perfectyeah but being faithful yeah