208 | Switching Roles, Showing Emotions & Refusing to Quit (Matt Anderson)

Grief & Loss
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Matt Anderson

Matt and his wife, Robin, have been leading in local church ministry for almost 25 years. They’ve served churches in Indiana, Ohio, Oklahoma, and Arizona. Matt and Robin met in college, at Anderson University (Indiana). They love desert living with their three boys: Connor (2001), Calvin (2004), and Charlie (2010). Together, Matt and Robin love traveling to new places, exploring great restaurants, and long walks. Matt loves being outside - hiking, running, and golf. He’s a fan of college sports (War Eagle!) and all things SEC even though they live in the southwest. Matt and Robin love being a part of the local church and God’s mission to redeem and restore all people through the love of Jesus.

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Show Notes:

  • 2:35 - Andy Stanley Quote: "Relationships are built on small, consistent deposits of time. You can't cram for what's most important. If you want to connect with your kids, you've got to be available consistently, not randomly"
  • 3:18 - When it comes to parenting, you can't get near the end and just cram a bunch in and hope that it sticks. It's more about the long game...  these little investments of time over time, which will pay off in the long haul."
  • 4:02 - ... "his goal of parenting and what they kept in their minds was they wanted their kids to come home after they left home. They wanted their kids to have a relationship with them that they could invest over the long haul.
  • 5:36 - "We would go away some summers for three weeks and no distractions out of town. So we're not here where work is calling and the different things are calling. And it was this summer rhythm that our kids grew to love and we grew to love because, I mean, uninterrupted, two to three weeks with your family in a place away from home, away from the normal, I would say that's one of the things I've been most thankful for..."
  • 7:45 - Story of Matt's dad and his grandfather
  • 9:34 - "I grew up without a grandfather on that side, and my dad never knew really the approval of his father that all of us need. I think we all need to know that our our fathers look at us and say, I approve of you. You know, I'm I'm proud of you. I love you. And so my dad intentionally because he didn't get that, did that with us. He he continually. We never we never doubted that our parents loved us."
  • 11:35 - "I think we all grew up in an environment. We all grew up with a certain perspective. And if we're not intentional, we just repeat so many rhythms of our past, including the painful pieces that can can really hurt kids over time"
  • 12:02 - Story of when Matt's parents divorced
  • 13:33 - "For Robin and I, I think we've really said we're going to choose our family. You know, we we choose each other even in the difficult moments. Like I said, her and I are opposites, so we we see things very differently. Our perspective on parenting many times is very, very different. But we remind ourselves we're on the same team. At the end of the day, we've we've chosen each other and we're going to continue to choose each other and we're going to choose our family over just about everything else because we believe this is how God will be honored in our lives, in our kids lives. And so we just choose it. We make a decision to choose our family"
  • 15:32 - "The the way that I was parenting my oldest was destroying our relationship mine and his relationship. And I remember sitting down as a hard conversation. I remember Robin saying to me, You're you're you're going to to ruin your relationship long term with Connor if you don't change some things."
  • 16:06 - "Robin and I made a conscious decision to, in a sense, switch roles that was early high school with him, late middle school, early high school. I step back for more the authoritarian type role, and she stepped into that role and I stepped more into a relational role with him through that season."
  • 17:11 - "I was the one always on him about homework, about tests that were coming up, even about sports, you know, practicing and all of those things. And I intentionally stepped back, disengaged from much of the homework discussion, much of the test discussion, not all of it. Like, I didn't become a hands off dad, but I step back, let her step into that role and I step more into the encouraging, just supportive. Anything I can help you with kind of a role.
  • 18:35 - "my number one thing that I would coach on is what you are modeling is what they're going to repeat..."
  • 21:29 -  "kids need to see their dad's emotions. The gentle emotions that the the emotions of pain they need to see their dads cry at times and not in a in a fake way, but they need to see that we're emotional people."
  • 23:59 - Normalizing conversation
  • Message from Matt and Robin on Parenting
  • 27:10 - You know, when's the right time? And we felt like in that fourth to fifth grade age range and in the sixth grade, they were going to start hearing plenty on intimacy and sex and all of that. And so we wanted to try to get on the front end of the conversation.
  • 28:34 - "that's really our responsibility as we get to introduce our kids to God and the way that we parent. We're saying a lot. We're teaching our kids a lot about who their Heavenly Father is..."
  • 29:01 - "Just be intentional. Don't just go with the flow. And Paul says this in Romans don't just go go with the flow of culture, because if you go with the flow of culture, you're going to end up in a broken place. So be intentional. Let God, you know, change you by transforming, by changing the way that you think. So be intentional. Open your mind to God's spirit. Be intentional in your parenting"
  • 29:46 - "Just don't quit. The stakes are too high. Don't give up yet. Like, keep parenting, stay engaged. Parenting changes. You've got to change the way you parent when they get in middle school and high school. But don't don't quit parenting. Don't try to be a friend too early. The friendship will come later, which I'm finding is true as the kids get into. As my oldest is in college, we have this different kind of relationship that's more of a friendship, and I still get to mentor and parent in some ways, but it's so beautiful to see. Don't start too early. Like, stay in the game."
  • 30:28 - Matt's Prayer

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