320 | Overcoming Addiction, Discovering Wild Courage, and the Power of Testimony (Jeremy Morris: Part 1)
Episode Description
Shame holds back many men from sharing their stories of redemption. Jeremy Morris once felt this. But he learned that the key to unlocking healing is to have the courage to be seen. In this episode, Jeremy shares his unfiltered testimony and demonstrates the power of vulnerability and wild courage.
-
Jeremy Morris is a husband and father of four living in Boise, Idaho. He co-founded Wild Courage, a ministry that equips men to tell the stories born in the redemption of lives and souls. In his free time, Jeremy enjoys coaching football, camping with his family, and managing his ranch.
-
· Most men would rather go to the moon, climb Mount Everest, survive in the wilderness, or do other crazy things before being vulnerable.
· The key to unlocking healing is to have the courage to be seen.
· Are you using certain things to stuff down the unprocessed pain that’s trying to crawl up out of your soul?
· If God can forgive you, that is enough to carry on.
-
· Learn More About the DadAwesome Accelerator Group: Email awesome@dadawesome.org
-
Podcast Intro: [00:00:01] Being a great father takes a massive amount of courage. Instead of being an amazing leader and a decent dad, I want to be an amazing dad and a decent leader. The oldest dad in the world gave you this assignment, which means you must be ready for it. As a dad, I get on my knees and I fight for my kids. Let us be those dads who stop the generational pass down of trauma. I want encounters with God where He teaches me what to do with my kids. I know I'm going to be an awesome dad because I'm gonna give it my all.
Jeremy Morris: [00:00:39] I had so much shame of my childhood, all the things. But what I had done to my wife and my daughter and my two year old son and I knew that that was over. Like, okay, I'm gonna have to face all this and it's going to be a long haul, because I was in a lot of trouble. I just remember, like, saying yes to all the things and like, if I'm going to do this, I'm going to go all in. And then God just started sprinkling the right people for this season of life that I was in.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:01:06] Hey, guys. Welcome back to DadAwesome. My name is Jeff Zaugg and I am thrilled to welcome you guys to episode 320. We've got Jeremy Morris, part one, today. And I have known about the ministry Wild Courage for a couple of years now, and I've been wanting to figure out a way to get together with Jeremy. We actually tried twice with the RV to figure out a way to re schedule our travel to get through the Boise, Idaho area. And it was, we were seven hours away, when we were in Coeur d'Alene, and then we were like four hours away, when we were in bend, Oregon. We surrounded. We looped around him and his wife and three boys. We, but we missed them in person. But, I can't wait till the next trip to Idaho. So we said, let's get you through the zoom line. So excited to welcome Jeremy Morris. This is part one of a two part conversation. Quick heads up, I want to encourage you guys, if you're listening with little ones around, we're going to talk about some heavier things. We're going to talk about addiction. We're going to talk about some abuse. We're going to talk about, some suicide attempts, some heavier topics. I want to encourage you guys to put the earphones in or listen while you're in the car without your little ones. Only about 1 out of 20 episodes has a little warning like that. And sometimes we forget to give the warning, and then later it's like, oh, we went a little heavier. So here you go, little warning. Want to quick, though, give you with the third installment of an invitation. So the DadAwesome Accelerator Group kicks off in early April. We're just about four weeks away at the time of listening to this, and I've been walking through one week at a time, a little bit about what is the DadAwesome Accelerator. So there's ten spots available. In the introduction, kind of explaining it, I talked about activation coaching. There's going to be a coaching element, a 90 minute, once a week coaching session for these ten guys that are part of the accelerator. It's six weeks long, the whole program, six weeks. It's quick, but we're going all in for those six weeks. Last week I explained that there's action planning and there's some of the aspects of that. Today I want to talk about accountability. I've take strides in area where I have concrete goal setting tied with accountability. Guys, I don't think we grow without brotherhood, without somebody else saying, I'm in as well. I'm growing alongside of you. These are some steps and we're going to take these steps. We're going to check in. So we actually assign, our ten guys are going to get assigned, kind of a check in buddy, someone who's going to actually check in throughout the week. Are you doing the thing that you intended to do? So, so accountability is certainly a core element of the DadAwesome Spring Accelerator Group. All of this is outlined, along with our expectations, are all going to be outlined in a email that you're going to receive if you just email awesome@dadawesome.org. So just send an email to the email address, awesome@dadawesome.org, and you will receive all this flyover of the experience. And you've got about 3 or 4 weeks to apply. If you want to be a part of this first round, the pilot round, of the DadAwesome Accelerator. All right, I already introduced Jeremy Morris a little bit from the ministry, Wild Courage. So thankful for a deep dive into look what God has done, his story, and how he has come through as a dad who is still, he's still in process. He's still, he's still being developed just like me. But man, all of these takeaways from the power of a testimony. So glad you guys are listening today. Here's episode 320, the first half of my conversation with Jeremy Morris. I guess before we go back in time and hear some of your story, can you introduce your family? How old your kids are and how long you and your wife have been married?
Jeremy Morris: [00:04:58] I have a daughter who's 25 that lives in Boise. She's from Billings, so I would see her like occasionally. I would go visit her when she was little and she would come out to wherever we were once I got married and spend, like, parts of the summer with us and whatnot. But, her and her mom live in, lived in Billings my whole, her whole life until she moved to Boise for to go to Boise State, which is super close. And then my wife and I have, almost, he'll be 16 in a couple of weeks, year old. And then it drops down to 9, our middle boy. And then we have a 7 year old. So I'm a late bloomer because I'm 51.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:05:45] So you got the littles at 51.
Jeremy Morris: [00:05:48] At soccer games, it's always fun because I cannot tell you how many times I've had people ask me, which grandkids yours?
Jeff Zaugg: [00:05:56] I just blame that on the beard. That's not, you don't look that old. It's just that the beard carries a little bit of wisdom.
Jeremy Morris: [00:06:01] Yeah. That's fun. All my friends are like, have grandkids, my kids age, you know. I was so not ready to have kids before though.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:06:09] I think there is something to. We have to, there's a story to be lived and there's, you know, God has things do sometimes in order before we're ready to step into the dad life. I, I guess as a snapshot today, though, what are some things you guys do for fun when you're thinking about, obviously your older daughter is is launched, is out of a is out of the home, but, with your boys, what are some things that you guys do for fun as a family?
Jeremy Morris: [00:06:32] We're a football family. I coach high school football. So, my oldest son is on my team, in the fall. And we camp a lot and we have cows and stuff. So we're always doing something with them, moving them around to pastures in the summer, spring, fall. We have a bunch of horses. They love riding bikes. We play, in our barn where we have our Wild Courage fires, here, we have a basketball hoop. So it's kind of basketball season right now. So we're we're playing a lot of pickup games, the four of us. And a lot of football at night in the living room. Like if you were to come to our living room, our family pictures are on a wall, most of the glass is broke out of them, or they're hanging upside down or sideways because they've been knocked off the wall and the brackets are broke. So they're like, it's just pandemonium all the time. They're, they're boys. I heard a, I read a definition that said boys noun and it said noise with dirt on it. And I'm like, yep, that pretty much sums it up.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:07:36] I like that. Yeah. Can the 16 year old, can he take you down in a game of basketball if you guys are battling it out?
Jeremy Morris: [00:07:42] He beat me, he beat me in pig the other day. And that was a first. So that was a little bit challenging because I fancied myself as a basketball guy. But that's happening. And he's driving now. He's about to, he's on his permit now and he's about to in two weeks, be on his own. It's crazy.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:08:02] It's a threshold, for sure. The the picture, though, of your living room and the broken, and, you know, miss hung frames because fun has been had in that living room. I think there's probably a deeper, not that there's one right way. There's a level of, you know, unity with you and your wife decided, hey, what rooms are going to be used for what fun and what, how much of this fun should be taken outside? But how have you guys led it in that spot where the living room can be a spot of roughhouse and like, like we're going to have some, some, some fun, some physical fun in this space.
Jeremy Morris: [00:08:35] Well, first off, we live life outside mostly. So, our house is like built in the 1930s and so there isn't a level floor. The doors are tricky to open and close. Like this foundation settled and we were thinking about build a new house a couple of years ago and we're like, that would be ridiculous because we have this huge, weird living room and then there's no hallways. The bedrooms are literally right off the living room. So we have this awkwardly big living room and the dogs and kids and cats, it's like, it's a free for all. And we're like, we don't care about fancy, we care about memories. And so yeah, it's it's it's game on. It's full contact.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:09:21] The, you mentioned it briefly, but Wild Courage is the name of the ministry that that you're you're leading. And now that is all over the country, over the world. And, before we go into what it is, those two words wild and courage, just take a moment to, like, talk about what does that mean and start with on the home front for you personally and to your family. What are those two words, what do they bring up, stir up in you?
Jeremy Morris: [00:09:48] Well, I think wild is a definition that that we all feel a call to as as men. And the courage part of it is what if we had the courage to tell our story? Because to me, the the most healing I've received in a lot of areas has been when I've had the courage to be vulnerable enough to share my deep, dark pain with someone and it to be received with love back instead of what I'd built it up to be my whole life. Which is if you really knew me, there's no way you could like me, let alone love me. And so the courage part is, comes from us having the courage to be seen. Which I think is what we're all, I think God wired us to be seen and heard by others that we're in relationship with. And so I think it, it's the most, I think men will go to the moon, we'll climb Mount Everest, we'll jump off crazy things with parachutes, we'll ride bulls, we'll, we'll do crazy survive in the wilderness. And we would rather do all of those things before being vulnerable. And, I don't know, I've just found that it's it's the key to unlocking healing and to be what we're all really like, I said, created to be, which is to be seen and heard and not judged and loved where we're at in the mess of it all. So, it was a name that was fought for by our founding members, and I wasn't big on it at first because there's Wild at Heart and there's Wild Sons and there's Wild, Born Wild, there's so many things, but we just couldn't move off of those two words.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:11:48] I am drawn to those two words, and I want to live into being a dad, a husband, who risks, a leader who risks, who lives with that wild and also fully known. That side of, that side of the courage to be transparent and vulnerable. And I guess when you said, you know, most guys will do all these other hard things before they'll be vulnerable. I think given the right place and time and caring, trusted people, when, when I've gone there and said, yeah, I'm gonna I'm going to be fully real in this moment, I then realize what a gift, what a gift. So then it's not scary. When you have the right setup, I think it actually, it maybe is even scary to get started to say, but if I ask if I go ask 20 guys today that I bump into when was the last time you were invited to to actually go below the surface and share what's really going on, to share some of your story, some of what's made you the person you are today. How many would you guess of if I pick 20 random guys, how many would say in the last five years they've had that opportunity?
Jeremy Morris: [00:12:58] I would place a large wager on that number being zero. And you could pick, you could pick 20 guys that are in the church and it would still be zero.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:13:08] And just, just some of the reasons that number is, is zero. Can you, you already mentioned it's scary to kind of go there, but, what are some of the reasons?
Jeremy Morris: [00:13:17] Shame. Again, if you knew me, there's no way you would really like me. If you really knew what was going inside of me or the things that I've done, there's no way you could like me. Forget about love and acceptance. And so we build these narratives of what people will react to our stories. And and I get it. There's times where we've tried in toxic circles, and that vulnerable, vulnerability has been used against us and leveraged against us. So we just filled up walls and we're like, I knew it. I can't trust anyone to tell my story or to be vulnerable. I think it happens in bars more than it happens, well, I know it does. It happens in bars more than it happens in church. Because the first time I shared my story with somebody, I was hammered at a bar and it was somebody I trusted.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:14:14] Speaking of your story, I'll kind of jump to and guide to a few points of your story that could just be so helpful for us to give context to the work in the ministry that you're leading today. And, I think there's so many, like, ways we can learn and grow and be fueled with courage because of what God's done through your story. So, Jeremy, if we jump back to childhood years and specifically around when your parents split. Can you give us a little snapshot of whatm yeah, that that period of your life?
Jeremy Morris: [00:14:46] Yeah. So, basically in kindergarten, like, halfway through kindergarten, my my mom and dad divorced. And my mom and little sister, who's a couple years younger than me, moved to, like four hours away. And I stayed with my dad, which is kind of interesting because I don't think that that usually the kids go with mom, right. I haven't met a lot of people that have shared my experience with moving with dad. And as we were talking about earlier, my dad and I moved to outside Kalispell, Montana, when I was in kindergarten. And, that was a really tough time. Because it's so confusing when your parents get divorced, when you're that young, and then you're separated from mom and sister and you don't understand why. And then just being alone all the time. Like I would get home from school at, like, 2:00 and my dad wouldn't get home till 6:00 or 7:00. And the thought of my six year old son being at home by himself, like, and I've worked through all this, so I get the spot my dad was in because he was, he was pretty devastated by this whole thing and trying to figure out his own mourning process and losing, you know, his daughter and his wife and all of that. So that was a pretty tough season. My dad remarried not too long after that. That marriage lasted maybe two weeks, a month. And then we moved again back to Idaho. And in that time, my dad was working and finding, you know, trying to figure it out. And so I was kind of bouncing around a lot. Like, during the summers and after school, because we had family, we moved back to where I was born. And in that time, some people that were in my care and neighborhood kids started having me do sexual things to them. And at one point I was, I, it's so weird to even say this still, but like I was, I was raped by an, teenage girl, woman who was like eight, 17, 18, more than once. And it's such a weird thing because we don't think of that relationship with from women to men and I've often felt like this, like if it would have happened once, I probably would've thought it was a bigger deal. But the fact that this was a cycle that kept happening in my life for a few years by different people and and babysitters and like I said, neighborhood kids, I just thought it was part of the deal. It was like, okay, I if I do, if I go over here in the alley and do this, then you'll be my friend and we can go ride bikes together. And it was like, oh, okay. So I could get through it because these were older guys that, like, would let me hang out with them. And knowing what I know now about myself and how much I do love people and and and built for connection and I, I get it. And, you know, it's not something that you talk about or you know, know what to do with when you're that little. It's just like, okay. And then when my dad remarried again, we moved California. And it continued to happen in a different state. And so it was just like part of my growing up that I didn't ever, it's such a weird thing that you, I think that kind of trauma, you just lock away. And it's down there, but it's not something I ever thought about. It's not something I ever was like, I wonder how this is showing up in my life in high school. And I have these, like, rejection issues, you know, with my mom leaving and missing her and my sister. And then I had an abusive step mom. I'll just give you a snapshot of this step mom. She would, I then had a step brother and step sister who were a little bit younger than me. She would do things like make them breakfast, hot breakfast, pancakes, eggs, bacon, carry it to their rooms, and I'd be walking kitchen and she would say things like, if you know where the cold cereal is, if you want to fix yourself breakfast. And then when that turned to physical abuse, she would say things to me like, if you mention, because I'd be like, I'm going to tell my dad. And she would say things like, if you tell your dad, I will leave him and it will be your fault, like the last two marriages it was your fault, that he, that their marriage didn't work. And I often think to that abuse, and that's just one, two examples of over a decade of, of that situation that really shaped me and how I related to relationships and girls and needed to be loved. So I was the guy that always needed a girlfriend. I was so codependent. I was searching for that thing. You know, I'd go see my mom for a month in the summer, which was amazing, and get to spend time with my sister and, you know, the occasional holiday when we lived close enough. But.,Yeah, it really sucked. But it just continually showed up. You know, and this is all hindsight. In the moment in high school is like, why do I spend all my time trying to figure out how to be loved and why I always had to have a girlfriend and, you know, it just shows up and follows you, all the unprocessed pain.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:20:57] And in that topic of unprocessed pain is going to be a thread for, you know, the rest of our conversation. We're going to keep coming back to you because we all, every single one of us have areas of unprocessed pain. There's a layer, just to kind of, it's very different and not to the same level of magnitude, but it does shape you as well. The layer of kind of cowboy culture and your dad moving for different jobs and what you learned and how to have, like the level of even your body is getting wrecked because you're training horses and getting thrown off. Can you just give us a little, snapshot or color in a little bit, what that was like growing up and what you learned and some skills you acquired as a cowboy?
Jeremy Morris: [00:21:37] Yeah. So my dad, is like a third generation cowboy rancher. And so when we were moving around all the time, it was going from one ranch to another. And cowboys don't make any money. I think he was making $700 a month. And off the top of that, $100 was going to my mom for child support for my little sister, and he had three kids in the house. And so cowboys do that to see new country. It's like literally the payoff is you love what you do, right. And to get to ride and so we moved to California, this beautiful area outside of the the Bay area, actually. And it was just steep, rugged, beautiful country. My whole life, all I want to do is be a cowboy. Like, so like for my fourth birthday, I got my first horse and like, that was it for me. And then I never went to the same school for two years in a row until I was in high school. So that's kind of the cowboy thing is, is kind of like everyone always assumes I grew up in the military because we moved so much because there's a saying in the cowboy world is you're always looking for the perfect outfit, right. The grass is greener and there's no perfect outfit. So we just moved from ranch to ranch to ranch. And again, that's all I wanted to do was, you know, junior high, I got into sports, but man, on the weekends I was on the ranch with dad and the cowboy crew. When we moved from California to Oregon, we only went to school four days a week. It was in this little tiny town of Paisley, Oregon, of like, 100 people. Bend was like the closest big town, it was like 2.5 hours away. And so I would get to go to work with my dad and the cowboy crew on Fridays and Saturdays and trot out with them, and we'd make these big, you know, 25, 30 mile circles. And it was just that was it for me, man. I was like, sports, sprinkle some girls in there with some cowboy stuff, and I was like, this is it.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:23:46] But then the reason I wanted to just give a little bit of childhood with that layer is there's also that idea of moving to the next place and the upside of seeing new, beautiful areas of the country. But also our heart when we move to the next, I just wanted to see if there's a parallel or a string I can pull here a little bit. Yeah, the going to the next hobby or activity, the moving to the next town, the building the next house, the getting the next car, the next job promotion. My guess is just like, cowboys move to different areas for new jobs. Like, there is a side of, if there's pain, one way to numb and suppress is the next adventure or hobby or activity. Is that, is there something there?
Jeremy Morris: [00:24:34] You nailed it. So that's what was modeled to me growing up. My dad showed me how to chase down a dream, and I learned to make friends very quickly because we moved a lot, right. So that shaped me. And the second I got out of high school, my, my football and basketball career was over. So my, identity, I didn't know what I was going to do now because my identity was sports. And so it became rodeo. I was like, well, I can ride bucking horses. And that became it. And rodeo is like the perfect fit for somebody with a bunch of unprocessed pain, because it is a party and you travel a lot. And I wasn't afraid of that because that's what was modeled to me, is you move. And if I ever write a book, it will be called Living Life On The Run, to your point. Because that's all I did for 15 years. I'd move every six months because that, that unprocessed pain that we were talking about earlier inside of me, I couldn't imagine the thought of dealing with anything. And as I got older that those things had been pushing down, we're pushing back, right. They were pushing up. And if I could stay, but I grew up in a Christian home. I went to church Wednesday night, Sunday morning, Sunday night, my whole life. But the second I had freedom and I moved to Jackson Hole, Wyoming and was rodeoing and working on a ranch and could have the choice to drink, what an escape that was, right. And then it was seasonal work. I'd work up there and rodeo in the summer. I was like, where's the next gig? Oh it's Arizona. They rodeo all winter down there. And it just became, that was my life. On the run. Every time I'd feel like something isn't right inside, it was like, let's run harder. Let's rodeo more. Let's chase more girls. The beer turned to whiskey. Like it just was like this perpetual, you got to, you got to find more things to stuff down that thing that's trying to crawl up out of my soul, that was unbearable to even think about. It was subconscious. I wouldn't even let myself go there. Yeah, the cowboy lifestyl, I mean, you're it's applauded. That guy that moves around sees all the different parts of the country, knows all the people, is like doing the rodeo thing and all that comes with that. It's like you're a rock star, man. You don't have to deal with anything.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:27:36] So there's a, I think it was about 15 years ago, a point when things shifted. And you've moved, at that point from skills, rodeo skills and all the cowboy skills to like developing equestrian programs into managing leading ridiculous ranches. And, there's a point, though, that led to a separation with your wife and two DUIs in a short period of time. Can you take us kind of around that period of your story?
Jeremy Morris: [00:28:02] Yeah. So I, I, took a year round job, in Wyoming managing this ranch because and I, I really once I retired from rodeoing, I really focused on the horse training part of things and roping. And I was getting pretty good at that and worked for some great horsemen and learned a lot. And because I was good with people and I could was good at reading a room, I just always had favor with wealthy people. Like I worked for the Rockefeller family, the Rockefeller family at their private ranch in Wyoming. And, so anyway, I just, I don't know, I had favor with rich, wealthy, like, wealthy, wealthy one percenters, right. And this job opened up in, in Wyoming, and I took it, and it was my first year round gig, and, dude, the reality of not being on the run was, after the new, of a brand new 5,000 square foot house in the big arena and the open checkbook. I was living like 15, 20 miles south of 100 person town. So you take party, people guy put him in isolation and I'd already gotten three DUIs at that point. And would that just by getting these places where it's like, I didn't care, I didn't care. So I get to this ranch and it's dream. All my family comes and visits aunts, uncles, cousins. I mean, it's in the middle of nowhere at the base of the Bighorn Mountains. It's beautiful. Dream job. I couldn't keep it together, man. The drinking was always kind of the party thing. And then it turned into by myself there. That was when I started, like, it gets dark at 4:30, I didn't have TV. It was like I just go to the bar, get drunk by myself at home, right. So that season ended, which is a whole nother story. And I left and moved to, got another job for a wealthy guy in Prescott, Arizona, which is where I met my wife. So we get married, and she's like, you're, I was still party guy. I started going to church with her again and kind of like, all right, I couldn't reconcile, I think subconsciously, God is good and 100% in control in what happened to me in my life. I couldn't, I couldn't get there. So this God that is so good and in control, I didn't know what to, I couldn't reconcile that. So God was like, I can't trust Him because if He's in control and He's good, this doesn't add up, right. So she's like, you're going to quit drinking when, like this, when we get married, right? I'm like, yeah, what kind of maniac do you think I am? Of course I am. What kind of man drinks like this when he's married? So we get married, and I had to start being trickier about my drinking. And then like a few months after we get married, we get a call and this guy wants to build this, I think we spent like, $15 million, dude, on this equestrian center. Like in lieu of a golf course, he bought like 1,400 acres and he's going to make an equestrian community. So he hires us to come build and design this huge I mean, it was a dream job. Six figures like, couldn't believe it, right. And we go up there and build that thing and pretty quickly she gets pregnant and she's like, you're going to, the drinking thing is going to go away when when this child born, I'm like, what kind of maniac do you think I am? Of course I'm not going to drink when we have, I'm not going to raise my son, you know, and like this. So I had to get trickier about hiding it. So that job, I think we're there for 3 or 4 years built this thing. 2008 hits. Economy crashes. No lots or selling. It's, he's like, we got to, I'm shutting this thing down. It was full of horses and we were doing okay. Our marriage was not doing good at that point. And I was getting up at like three in the morning to go plow snow at the subdivision before work every day, and I'd start drinking like a bottle of Kahlua with my thermos of coffee while I was plowing snow every morning. And I could, I got to figure out the depths of alcoholism, I could figure out how to just get enough where I could maintain and function, and then I would just stay there all day. And I knew when not to eat because it would kill it. And I knew when I needed to eat or somebody would, I would, I would start being noticeably drunk, right. So it became science to me and figuring out how to do it financially and all the things, dude, it was like, it was a full time job. It was a full time job, because I had everything. I had it all. I was a big dog in town. Everybody wanted to be involved at that place. I was making so much money. We just bought this huge house and it all went away in a phone call. We lost our house, truck. I mean, dude, gone. So we moved back to Arizona. And I knew when we moved back to Arizona, because I'd been sleeping on the couch for, I don't know how many months or even years. And as soon as we get back to Arizona, it's not good. And pretty soon I'm sleeping, not in the house anymore. I'm sleeping in a closet or a little office outside, underneath, in a covered arena, an apartment in front. And so I couldn't stop drinking and I, she got wise to me and and so she's like, we're separating. And and we had counseling, qe went to so much counseling, and our pastor is like, yeah, you need to leave him. You need to separate. So I go back to Wyoming for the summer to go shoe horses and get away. And I went to, I was going to Montana to see my daughter, and I got pulled over and got a DUI in Montana. They let me out. The next day I went saw my daughter driving back to Wyoming, beasue I had some horses to pull to Florida actually from Wyoming, from Jackson, and was drinking all the way back from Montana, and I got pulled over again and got another DUI, like in 48 hours. And this time they put me in jail in Wyoming. They don't let you out until you see a judge. I had, in the alleyway of the liquor store where I would buy my vodka, I would cry and beg God to take this from me, and I would pound on my steering wheel. And He didn't. And I'd wipe my tears away and I marched into that liquor store and do it again. And sleeping on the couch, I would, I saw what I was doing to my life and my family, my wife, my little baby. And I'm like, I know You won't show up. Where were You when all this other stuff happened? You're not showing up now. We're going to church. We're, like going to Bible studies every Thursday, which most of the time I was half way drunk at those. And the shame that comes along with that, right. So they put me in jail and something in me changed in my prayer. It was like, I don't know how to explain it, Jeff, other than I asked God, I'm like from one father to another father, please take this for me. The dad I'm going to be, I can't do this anymore. And He, He, He took it. I don't know if it was because I wasn't praying to get out of my circumstances anymore, which I think looking back, my prayers to Him were always to get me out of the mess that I created. But there was something about me pulling on to heaven, as a dad and crying out to a dad that I think was the difference. And is perfect timing. And I, I don't care about anybody's theology because you can't take away my experience. But I, I felt, I felt this thing leave me that night. Scientifically, I should have detoxed, I was drinking a handled vodka a day. I should have been deathly ill. I, I've never had a craving of alcohol since that night. I've never been tempted. I've never found myself parked in front of the liquor store. I was at a, I was at a bar till two in the morning, two weeks ago celebrating my buddy's 50th birthday. Like I can, the smell, the, none of it. It was bro, it was, it was, He took it it was, it was gone. And for those of, anyone listening that that isn't the case, I'm sorry that that sometimes, I've had to fight for a lot of other things, but He took this for me and from me. I was in a lot of trouble, a lot of trouble. The interesting thing is, as in the following week was the first time I ever put a gun in my mouth. I never dealt with anything sober before. Why, why would I think about suicide? I was, I was numb. I had a solution to the pain, but now I didn't. Because He took it. It was gone. So I was staying in a cabin. I couldn't leave this, I couldn't leave the county for like a week. I had to go in like five in the morning and blow in the thing at the sheriff's office. I would read my Bible in the morning and by that night, I literally would put three in the chamber and spin it. Partially relieved and partially pissed that it didn't happen. Like the tension of wanting it to end and to, for it not to was like the craziest space, as you can imagine, I've ever been in. And that happened, I think for like, 5 or 6 nights in a row. One morning I was reading Psalms 32:5, and I don't know why that, I'd read it a million times prior to that, but, it was what changed everything. I confessed all my sins and He forgave, forgave them. He forgave me. And I don't know that, that was it. That was the I was like, okay, I'm going to trust Him because it was the shame. And I didn't know all this, right. This is 15 years of processing that I get to reveal this now, but I had so much shame of my childhood, all the things that, what I'd done to my wife and my daughter and my two year old son. The shame was mostly geared towards my wife. And I knew that, that was over. Like, okay, I'm gonna have to face all this and that's going to be a long haul because I was in a lot of trouble. And rightfully so, is when I, after I told, had the courage to call my wife and tell her. I didn't even tell her about the first one. I only told her about the second one. Like I knew it, I knew, I knew you couldn't do it. And she wasn't wrong. And so she moved out, bought her own house and divorce papers are on the table. I came back and started getting help. I started, I had to go to a lot of outpatient counseling for, for the state of Wyoming, right. Yeah, I just, I just remember, like, saying yes to all the things. I'd go to AA, I said yes to that. I said yes to spending time with my pastor, at the time. I said yes to all the outpatient counseling that I had to do. I'm like, if I'm going to do this, I'm going to go all in. And then God just started sprinkling the right people for the season of life that I was in.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:42:29] So, Jeremy, the hopelessness really like there was a wave of that after freedom from the grip of of alcohol and the numbing, really the grip of being numb and and pushing down the feelings and the pain. Then there was a wave of hopelessness, because the mountain of choices you had made, decisions you had made, the mountain hit you those five straight nights. And it's interesting. It's wild that you're reading scripture, but like the this, the swelling up of that mountain and the amount of harm already done, right. And but then there was a at the end of day five, it sounds like there was a moment of like, I'm going to go do the thing. I'm going to go step, it was forgiveness, right. Is that what you're saying? Actually experiencing forgiveness led you to the trail towards healing?
Jeremy Morris: [00:43:20] Which at, which I think it was what, for me, again, it was, it was really the shame of all of the things. And like, everybody was super bummed out at me. I'd let everybody down. And if God can forgive me, the question became, is that enough for me to carry on? And I, again, it's something that I just felt. Like the Holy Spirit speaking to me through that scripture that I was like, okay. If I got one, one person on my side, just turns out that that happened to be the creator of the universe. I was like, okay.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:44:05] That'll do.
Jeremy Morris: [00:44:06] All right.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:44:09] Wow. And just one more time, just make sure I understand this, there was freedom from the addiction, right. Freedom, led to you, needed then you needed hope. And then you needed like there's a forgiveness piece of like, oh, I've got, I've got forgiveness. I've got the ally. I've got the someone fighting for me, which was God. And then, and then a, then a journey of all the people that you had hurt.
Jeremy Morris: [00:44:38] Oh, dude...
Jeff Zaugg: [00:44:39] Share a little more about that, that step to the process.
Jeremy Morris: [00:44:43] I remember reaching out to some mentors and their disgust and like, you blew it. And that moment, and these people, have been advocates for me forever. And letting them down, that's when I felt the most alone. I was like, and I, but I could get it. I, I guess I just never really went the victim route. There's this weird space of like, what happened to me wasn't my fault, but taking ownership of everything of the actions that I did, even though there's something that, I'm pretty sure that my life would have turned out differently had not these things happened to me, right. And I think this is such a blurry line that so many people miss is, I went on a journey of finding compassion for that little boy and myself, in the midst of owning the messes I've made in the process. And I learned that early on. And I'm really grateful for that, now. Because I could totally see why my wife would leave me and tell me that it was over and it was done. And what a mess I had made. And, but, but that tension of like carrying space for compassion for yourself, but also accountability is freaking hard and it's tricky. But I don't know how you get through this without it. Because if you can't say you're sorry and begin to clean up messes, if you got the victim card in your back pocket that you pull out every time anybody pushes back and agrees with how big of a jerk you've been and how you've blown up their lives. And I just see that happen so many times. Well, if you, they just pull it out and it's like you just undid anything you were trying to do. Invalidating anybody for the mess you've made. It's hard that it's ego and it all gets in the way and gets real messy. But I, I would go to this outpatient and there's this black lady from Chicago named Gwen. Bro, she, I'm convinced, I've tried to find her, and I cannot. She's an angel. She was an ex heroin addict. And any time I would start to be a little bit of a victim in group, she would like shut it down and she would make me own everything. Mary bought her own house, moved out. She, Gwen, made me go over there, paint the house, pay for everything, redo the floors, help them move. I wanted nothing to do with that. You know how, my wife's whole family came to help. And I'm like, I'm not going over there. I'm not going within 20 miles of that place. And she would not let me off the hook, bro. You know how embarrassing and scary it was to go submerge myself into my wife's family as they're helping her move into her new house because she had to leave me. And the the the the the the lessons I got in humility in that time and space have served me very well. I think raising funds and now, right. But it was the, it was so hard to do that.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:48:50] That's all, I mean, the word humility and like the the path of humility and ownership and you owned it. You were humble, in this case, Gwen forced some humility, which is such a gift. And and like I wish every, everyone would have that kind of an angel. Like someone who could help force because you had God. You knew He forgave, forgave you. You knew He, His invite is there's compassion, there's love, like you said, there's but but there's also responsibility. And there's, patiently and humbly walking it out. I love that story about Gwen.
Jeremy Morris: [00:49:27] Gosh, she's, I, I can't wait to, I got to track her down somehow.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:49:36] Thank you so much for joining us, for the first half of my conversation with Jeremy Morris. All the show notes, the transcripts, the quotes from this week's episode, and the links to his ministry, his podcasts are all going to be located at dadawesome.org/podcast. This is the first half, so there's a another 40 minutes of this conversation that really take from testimony into this is how he's growing and has grown as an intentional dad. And the takeaways of how do we raise, in his case sons, how you raise boys that actually can experience pain and and experience healing versus carry pain forward that becomes destructive. So you guys have to come back next week, episode 321, and hear the next 40 minutes of this conversation. Guys, thank you for being dads who are listening, who are learning, but who are not staying the same, who are, who are putting action to good intent. DadAwesome, we activate dads to lead with wonder. Let's lead, let's step in this week. Let's step in with hopeful hearts. We must pursue the hearts of our kids. Let's pursue healing. Let's pursue brotherhood. Let's bring things that are hidden to light, that we can actually not pass on shrapnel and pain to our kids, but we can pass on life and love. And man, it's a huge deal you guys are stepping into these areas. So I love you guys. Praying for you guys. Have a great week.
-
· 10:07 - "The most healing I've received, in a lot of areas, has been when I've had the courage to be vulnerable enough to share my deep, dark pain with someone and to be received with love back. Which, if you really knew me, there's no way you could like me, let alone love me. The courage part comes from us having the courage to be seen. Which, I think, God wired us to be seen and heard by others that we're in relationship with. Men will go to the moon, we'll climb Mount Everest, we'll jump off crazy things with parachutes, we'll ride bulls, we'll survive in the wilderness. And we would rather do all of those things before being vulnerable. I've just found that it's the key to unlocking healing and to be what we're all created to be, which is to be seen and heard and not judged and loved where we're at in the mess of it all."
· 36:23 - "They put me in jail and something in me changed in my prayer. I don't know how to explain it, other than I asked God, from one father to another father, please take this for me. The dad I'm going to be, I can't do this anymore. And He took it. I don't know if it was because I wasn't praying to get out of my circumstances anymore, which I think looking back, my prayers to Him were always to get me out of the mess that I created. But there was something about me pulling on to heaven, as a dad and crying out to a dad that I think was the difference and His perfect timing."
Connect with DadAwesome
Learn about our Fathers for the Fatherless events in 2023:https://f4f.bike/
Follow@dadawesome on Instagram
Make a Donation to DadAwesome (tax-deductible)
Join the DadAwesome Prayer Team
Receive weekly encouragement by texting "dad" to 651-370-8618