322 | Viewing Fatherhood as an Adventure, Owning Your Stuff, and Getting Unstuck (Ian Smith)
Episode Description
Ian Smith joins us in this episode with passionate ideas to help dads enjoy fatherhood more. He shares his habits of looking for adventure in the challenge, asking hard questions, and taking ownership of mistakes. His energetic spirit will help you reframe your perspective on parenting so you can show up with renewed purpose.
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Ian Smith is an entrepreneur, former pastor, coach, and mentor living in Winnipeg, Canada. He has been married to his wife for 25 years and has six children. Ian is passionate about helping others go from feeling frustrated and apathetic in their faith to seeing real, lasting change in their lives.
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· You can enjoy fatherhood more when you view it as an adventure and a good challenge.
· Get big enough on the inside to own it when something’s not great.
· Nothing brings more stability and security to a family than a dad who submits to the authority of the Heavenly Father.
· Get out of the ditch of passivity by taking action.
· Build up your kids and reinforce their identity through positive language.
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Podcast Intro: [00:00:01] Being a great father takes a massive amount of courage. Instead of being an amazing leader and a decent dad, I want to be an amazing dad and a decent leader. The oldest dad in the world gave you this assignment, which means you must be ready for it. As a dad, I get on my knees and I fight for my kids. Let us be those dads who stop the generational pass down of trauma. I want encounters with God where He teaches me what to do with my kids. I know I'm going to be an awesome dad because I'm gonna give it my all.
Ian Smith: [00:00:39] When you decide you want to be a father, you'll enjoy it. And I just realized, yeah, I hadn't, like, embraced it. I just went, yeah, you're right, I'm fighting it. I need to embrace it. I started to look at everything as adventure, like having four kids and going to the mall, and they're all under the age of eight. That's an adventure. You're going to go grocery shopping by yourself, like, yep. Why? Because I can. What a challenge. This is the way we love stuff, as guys. We love challenges. We like conquering. We like doing stuff. That's fine. Turn your fatherhood into that. Take on the challenge and start to change the way that you view what you're doing, and you're going to enjoy it a lot more.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:01:19] Hey guys, welcome back to DadAwesome. My name is Jeff Zaugg and today, episode 322, I have Ian Smith joining me from Winnipeg, Canada. Now quick side note I have been avoiding Canadians, for the most part, for six plus years of this podcast. I think I've had 2, maybe 1 or 2, in the 322 episodes. I've been avoiding Canada because I'm still holding a grudge. So I went to the Olympics when it was in Vancouver. What was that, 2010, I believe? So this is 14 years ago. I've been holding a grudge for a little while. The Canadians, they they beat us in hockey, ice hockey. I was there cheering. I shaved USA into my beard. I was cheering with everything I had for my little sisters. My little sister was playing for the U.S. team and we took the silver medal home. They got to keep the gold medal in Canada. And ever since I've been avoiding talking to people from Canada about being DadAwesome. Just plaing, I'm just kidding. I have not been avoiding, but, you know, it's just a fun, a fun back story. Something that happened in my life 14 years ago that clearly I still need to let go of. Okay, so today's conversation, Ian Smith, a dad of six girls. He has been married 25 years. He's an entrepreneur. He's in the, in the space of kind of digital marketing, strategic kind of digital planning for, for companies all over the world. And he is a starter. He's a move, a movement starter when it comes to, he's doing online community for men, helping men in the area of, man, their hearts and the Hero Collective really excited to kind of link that out in today's show notes to find out more about Ian. But before I have him jump on, want to remind you guys, we're just about a week and a half away from closing the application process for this spring DadAwesome Accelerator. So, this has been the last four weeks you've been hearing me talk about the DadAwesome Spring Accelerator. It's a coaching group. It's only six weeks long. I mentioned in the past episodes, activation, coaching. So every single week, we've got a topic we're coaching, leaning in together through zoom. We're going to have action planning. So everything learned we're going to put right into it's a part of your weekly action plan. We're going to have accountability. There's only, there's only ten guys that are part of this first group and we're going to hold each other accountable. We're going to move forward in the dad life, together, in an accelerated way. Availability, man, our group are going to be cheering for each other. Sharing wins. Sharing, man, I need prayer right now. I need some insight. What do you guys think about this? So, availability. Access to dad notes, I talked about last week. We're going to actually dive in to the top five DadAwesome books and actually create, man, this is actually kind of the dad notes, the the fly over two page summary of these book. So we can actually be learning, quickly, with that resource. And then the last thing I want to highlight today, and of course they do all start with the letter A. I was a pastor for a while. I'm still a pastor, so I can't help a little alliteration. Six promises of the DadAwesome Accelerator. The sixth promise is answers from fatherhood experts. So during these six weeks, there's going to be two special kind of bonus 40 minute zoom sessions with a fatherhood expert. So, I'm going to surprise. I'm not mentioning who these guys are, but I'm going to bring in some guys that, it's a do not miss conversation, and you're going to get to ask your questions because it's a live, gathering with this, with this expert, and you'll be learning from these other two guests. So that'll happen twice during this six weeks. And those will be in the evenings. Those two zoom sessions will be in the evening, not during the day like the other sessions. So, if you want more information about the DadAwesome Accelerator, the DadAwesome Accelerator coaching group happening, kicking off in the mid April email awesome@dadawesome.org. All you have to do is send an email to awesome@dadawesome.org and you'll get an immediate email will be you with all of the outline of the six promises. And then, what's what's expected of the group and how to apply. So that is coming your way. Let's jump right in. This is my conversation with Ian Smith. Ian, thank you for taking time to hop on and be a part of an episode of DadAwesome.
Ian Smith: [00:05:40] Yeah, thanks for having me. This is, this is amazing. And, I've been looking forward to it.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:05:44] But we we had a phone call a few weeks ago, and I've been, yeah, looking forward to the conversation as well since then. Just to help us get to know your family a little bit before we go in, multiple directions for the conversation. Can you introduce, your wife, how long have you guys been married? And then, kind of age range of your kids?
Ian Smith: [00:06:00] Well, we've been, my wife, Sharalee, we've been married for 25 years this year, so that's a bit of, a milestone. So that's awesome. Amazing woman. My best friend. Man, so thankful for her. And then I got four beautiful biological daughters. My oldest is 19. Yeah, the daughter, daughter collective here. 19. Essentially, there's always one of them is changing, but 19, 17, 15, 13. Let's let's just say that. Yeah, it's pretty close. But, yeah, four biologial kids. And then two foster daughters. And so we, took the leap into fostering a couple years ago. And so we have a beautiful two year old daughter, named Soso. Her name, Sophia, we call her Soso. And, another one named Chantelle, who kept me up all night, all night last night, in fact. But, she's worth it.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:06:55] You know that that last phrase when you said she's worth it. I've gathered this from our last call and from some correspondence back and fort, Ian, is this idea that fatherhood is a gift, and you bring your whole heart and your joy into it. Would you talk a little bit more on that theme of when you say she's worth it and just your heart for highs and lows and moments where we don't feel DadAwesome at all, like, but yet it's like, oh, she's worth it. Would you talk a little more on that theme?
Ian Smith: [00:07:24] Oh, yeah. Well, there's a lot there, isn't there? I mean, like, just to to address the foster journey there. I mean, it was really on Sharalee's heart, and, you know, she jokes, it took me ten years to kind of come along. You know, I think even just the journey and fatherhood, for me, it's so, maybe, maybe I'd say if you do it the right way, it's so challenging because we're, I think, it's supposed to change us. And so I think when we're, when you're in the midst of it, especially with my four, four girls, I don't always feel DadAwesome, that's for sure. Like, I don't always feel that, you get the ups and downs and challenges, so many priorities. Who you are, your selfishness, you know, all of these things. And so it took me a while to wrap my head around, do I really want to, you know, do this again? But, I tell people when it comes to fostering, and a lot of times you think about this, I think maybe, maybe you can relate or other people can just about everything in our life, we're going to make a change or we always think about the cost, like we think about what it's going to change in terms of our time and our sleep patterns and whatever, if we're talking about kids. But we, it seems to be so easy for us to, to tune into what it's going to cost us but it's very hard for us to imagine how it's going to be a blessing. And so, you know, to, to say, now it's worth it. I think it's worth it because she's worth it. It's worth it because to walk this journey with my wife, it's worth it. And maybe in a way, you know, a different way, it's another layer of just learning how to be a better dude, a better dad, a better follower of Jesus or whatever. And so it's worth it, you know, to go through that journey as well. But, no doubt, you know, when you're able to have an influence on a kid who is fatherless, like, literally fatherlee and motherless like, I don't know, it's worth it. I don't know, I, I how could you not do it, right? I mean, it's just we lay down our lives, and my wife is the hero. Don't, don't I don't want to try and make any, I was, I was I was up last night. I will I will say that I actually was up last night, you know, help, trying to, you know, soothe the baby and stuff. But at the end of the day, my wife is is absolute superhero when it comes the, you know, fostering. So, I'm along for the ride and just try to do my part.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:09:44] So your older daughters I mean the for them as, as teenagers, how were they a part of the process? You said God changed your heart as far as being open to foster and welcoming these, these little ones. But, yeah, talk about a little bit how how did it like the dynamics with your girls and their participation of the decision and how it's even affected them?
Ian Smith: [00:10:04] Yeah, that's a great question. I mean, Oh, I think that's, to, that's a it's a, it's a great question. So we we shared with our kids you know what the plan was, as always. We tried actually for a long time in a house that we were in, and it just didn't work, space wise. My kids were already sharing rooms, whatever. So, you know, this has been something that's been percolating for a long time. I think generally they were open to it. And but we did ask them like it wasn't just us saying, you know, this is what's going to happen. Now, had they said no, you know, we probably would have dug into that a little bit more because you're still, you know, you're still the adult in the room, right. And, we felt like this is something that the Lord was leading us into, and wanted to do that. But we did bring them along and they were keen, and there's been ups and downs. So, you know, interestingly enough, you know, they're on their own journey. Not, I wouldn't, I say my kids are older. I don't think they felt ripped off about, I don't know, maybe it'll come out in therapy later. I don't think, I don't think they felt ripped off about the journey. Like now, mom and dad are kind of tied back into two little kids, they take a lot. They've experienced a ton of joy and the fun it's been to be around kids. Even think about the fact that they are learning to be moms already. Like, that might sound funny, but like, what an invaluable experience for them to know what it takes. Like they wouldn't know because they grow up, right. So, you know, there's so many blessings on that side. But you know, one really interesting part is like they they have their own hearts, right. They're falling in love with these girls and in foster care, especially where we are, adoption is not not really an option. That's not really something that's promoted. These kids can go back to their biological families, like literally at the drop of a hat. And that doesn't seem like it's the case necessarily with, for sure, one of our foster daughters. But the other one, we actually had the mom and the daughter in our home for a whiler. And there was, together, and that's really what we wanted to do. That's why we moved. We got more room. Our kids all got their own rooms. Maybe that's why they're okay with that. Like, oh, we got our own room. But we made space because we wanted the mom to live with us. That didn't really work out, but even watching them just wrestle with compassion like, this is a girl who, who was a young mom, who came from a very different background, and very different culture, very different. And so for them to wrestle through, like, can she just not want to be like, they're falling in love with this beautiful daughter, and then they're like, how can you not get your get your life in order, right? And watching them wrestle through that and loving the daughter and trying not to, you know, have a have an issue with their heart with the mom. Man, it's been so good, but it's been a challenge. Now the mom is in, is not in the picture the same way, not living in our home. I think it's a little bit more settled, but, our kids are definitely attached to those little girls as little sisters. And, you know, who knows what the future holds, right?
Jeff Zaugg: [00:12:56] Yeah, that's, thank you for taking time to kind of process through, that is it's beautiful to think about your, your four older daughters and just what they're learning and the journey and how it's shaping them. And I know that we are shaped, like we are being shaped by our circumstances daily, monthly, yearly. But it's also with every child, with every every kid, we're being shaped. And we're realizing, oh, man, I've got, I'm a work in progress. God's still doing a lot in me. I get comments all the time, if I have my four daughters and I'm we're out for a walk or at the playground, wherever, people are coming, are you going to try for a boy or hey, like, whoa four girls? Like the responses are kind of comical because my response back, yeah, I'm sure the same for you at six. But my response back actually surprises people because I'll respond back, oh, like like this is, I could not imagine like like life being better. Like I respond back with like, oh man, I love being a girl dad. And it's then like, they are a gift. And it's funny to see people's response because they expect that I'm going to say, yeah, we're trying for the boy or this or that. How, how has that journey for you with having just girls, how has it shaped you? How are you different today than you were, you know, 15, 20 years ago?
Ian Smith: [00:14:14] Man, my first answer would be, I wish I was I was more different, you know, like, there's I feel like there's areas of my life that I'm just such a dude, you know, and I like, oh, I just I failed again, like, I just didn't, you know, I didn't lead with my heart. I, you know, anyways. But, like, what I do say is I'll never be out of fashion a day in my life. No, maybe that's up for debate, but when you have girls, right. Like, you know, they're, they're pretty explicit about, you know, making sure that things are in order. But, yeah, just learning to, learning to recognize how women process differently. I mean, all my girls are so different, too, personality wise. So some are a little bit more like me, others aren't. So I mean, the the journey has been amazing. I, I would say the same thing as you would like, I never for a moment ever entertain this thought that, like, I missed out, at all. I just, it never occurred to me and it still doesn't. I do wonder how I'm going to pay for four weddings or six maybe. But other than, that is, you know, that is it. Some people are like, whoa, that's a lot of weddings. And I'm like, yeah, that is a lot of weddings. But yeah, I think just, you know, maybe in a, in a way that dads that have boys don't, don't understand. Yeah, with girls there is a difference in the way you have to approach them. And I think I've learned the hard way that girls need a different type of an approach, but then every kid does anyways, right. So, so I don't, I don't know, I just found it, you know, a fun journey to be on. And, I think my wife feels bad for us sometimes, bad for me sometimes because she's like, you have no other guys in this house. But my girls started watching hockey now, one girl is playing, one of my daughters is playing hockey. I never had a girl that played hockey. That was a big part of my life. So, things like that are great. Here's the, here's probably the biggest challenge, here's the probably the biggest challenge. Naturally speaking, the things that interest my girls don't interest me. That's probably the hardest thing, and I'd say probably haven't done as good a job as I could trying to get into their world, right. So if there's a lesson learned to do it all over, I guess I could practice on two more. But, is to to really be intentional about getting into their world. Yeah, I'd say that's that's probably my my biggest challenge.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:16:38] Yeah. That, the visual in my eyes is like, what lights up my little girls? Like, what are they passionate about? What's causing them to, like, like, come more fully alive to say, hey, I'm going to stay curious. I'm going to enter that area of gymnastics or dance or theater or whatever.The thing is, right now. My girls are still in a phase that I'm into surfing, they're into surfing. Like, there's a there's a follow dad's lead cause they're still younger. So it's great timing for you to give that piece of advice to say, press in and discover and connect more with, you know, their world, as you put it. Ian, what, what shaped you, the dad that you are today, what are some of the, it could be a book, it could be your dad, could be a mentor, a friend? Like what are some of the things that have shaped the dad who you are today?
Ian Smith: [00:17:24] All the above, I guess. I think, I think it naturally speaking like you are shaped by your upbringing. Like that is, you know, good or bad. It just, it happens. I think it's important to recognize that to, that we will primarily adopt patterns and things from our, our upbringing and not everybody like, you know, there's there's always going to be challenges. I had to, I was in a two parent house. Absolutely. Like I was loved, supported. But I still had my own journey there and a lot of what was shaped in my childhood, I brought into my, my adulthood. So, but there are certain things that, that I feel like I can look back and go, yeah, like that, that shaped like certain mentalities, like, there's that a stable home, you know, provision, you know, all that kind of stuff. So I think for, for me, you know, certain even belief systems in me about, about what a father's here for, all that kind of stuff. Then there's, but there's other areas, sorry, that were solidified. Maybe, but there's other areas that maybe I didn't feel overly connected to my my, my, my father, specifically. And, felt like there were some gaps that needed to be filled in there on that perspective. We were talking earlier, but we shared a couple of books that were offered to me, by, Jack, it's funny, I think the guy that he learned from his name was Jack Winter but it was Jack Frost, right. Experiencing the father's embrace. And father's, all about the father's love. And then the other one, from From Slavery to Sonship and those books helped me to understand, to really relate to my Heavenly Father in a way that I had not had struggled to relate to my earthly father. And then I, and that started to fill in some of those gaps. And so and I think that's the way that it's supposed to like, you know, all fathers are named by the Father we have in Heaven, right. Ephesians tells us, but but we know our earthly father is going to fail, just like we can sit here and talk about our failures all day long. And so then He's got to fill in the gaps. And so those books helped to connect some of those, those dots. And like, I think those ended up obviously, God like, I love, I love the Lord, I love Jesus. And Jesus said, when, when this, this struck me on this journey with Jesus, that I'm the way, the truth of life. Nobody comes to the Father except through me. And I'm like, okay, wait a minute. You know, we go to church, we hear about Jesus, we where we're told to accept Jesus, serve Jesus, worship Jesus. That's not wrong. Don't tell me that I like to say it this way, it's not incorrect, but it's in a way incomplete because Jesus is like, I'm actually the way to that, I'll just say to that guy. And and I'm, I'm a doorway. So I started to explore what is it that I need to do to to be with the Father? What kind of relationship do I need to have with the Father? Like these three persons of the Godhead, what is it about the Father that I need to explore and how to to relate to God as my Father? And I think that filled in more, more of those gaps as well.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:20:27] So so helpful. I would just add a second round of Jack Frost Spiritual Slavery to Sonship. That book, I've read it three times. It's come up, we did a whole episode actually back like four years ago on that book. So I just want to encourage you dads listening to check that out. I want to take us into some more practical dad wisdom. And these are not things that you've arrived, that I've arrived. We're sharing things that we've arrived to the mountaintop by any means. Like dad, dad, wisdom and practical advice is things we've picked up along the way and that we're trying and we're stumbling. And, I'll actually dive into the first one as we were talking it up off line before we hit record. You mentioned get big enough on the inside to say sorry and own your crap. I love, I love that like, I love I mean, it's a double like the visual here of like like really what what is there inner work that needs to be done as a dad? Like, is there work to be? Yes. I'll raise my hand. Right. Yes. There's inner work. I like to do that work to get big enough so that we can actually take ownership. Would you kind of expound into what you meant by that statement?
Ian Smith: [00:21:30] I'm going to get really, I'm going to get really vulnerable right now because here's so, here's a I think give you an example that was very recent that, that would highlight this journey. So here I am, like, I've been a father for, you know, years and years and years, right. 20 years. And, and so what we bring to our, our fathering of our families as, as husbands, as dads, it's it's important that we allow the sort of the process to be a work inside of us, because everything that comes out of us and impacts, reflects. So I'm sitting with my wife the other day and we are having a conversation. In fact, it was a little bit around our 25th anniversary. It's coming up, now. We're walking through a bit of a transition financially right now. And so, you know, we had some, some, you know, stuff happened with the economy and I had some clients, anyways, we were walking in a, let's call it a bit of a season, right. And, and and my wife like here we are, we're coming up on our 25th anniversary, wanting to go away, all this kind of stuff. And, and I start just feeling like such a failure because I can't, I'm not in the position right now or actually I wasn't then, there's better ending this story, but anyways. At that point to to take my family away. We, we talked about going on a 25th anniversary trip with all the kids. And I say, I sat at the table and I went, you know, because I'm pioneering some things online or whatever. And then the monetization started not not there. And and I'm, you know, I'm trying to replace some clients, whatever. And we go through these seasons and I'm sitting there and my wife, we're talking and then all of a sudden we get this sort of thing rising up on the inside of me and I'm like, you know, I'm working. Like, I'm not blaming my wife. I'm just kind of ranting, like, I'm not blaming her. She's not saying, she's not putting pressure on me, but I'm like, I'm like, I'm I'm working so hard and nothing seems to be working. I kind of have this little pity party. And I and I've done this before. Okay. Like, I, I have, I've been here before. I'd like to think I'm not doing it as often. And this is not like an everyday thing. I walk down stairs and I kid you not, this is what I felt like, the Holy, this is how I felt like the Holy Spirit did. I have no other way to explain it but this. Great performance.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:23:46] A slow clap. [00:23:47][0.4]
Ian Smith [00:23:48] Yeah. And I was like, I just felt it in the inside. I have no other way to express this impression. Like when I walked out of there, it was like God just said, nice performance. You're such a victim. You ready to grow up now? Like just in a moment.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:24:03] Stinger. [00:24:03][0.0]
Ian Smith: [00:24:03] Like, wow, okay. I still have, I still have room to grow. And so the idea is, is that there's all of this stuff that we go through and situations and fears we have and whatever. Like it's natural, but we can learn to cope with them in such bad ways or we can numb ourselves. We can get complacent. We can, we can, you know, Netflix ourselves, drink ourselves, sports ourselves, work ourselves, tax ourselves like out of it all. Out of actually dealing with it and never dealing, deal with that. And all that's going to do is continue to hurt us, which then is gonna hurt our family. And so I guess that's what I mean is, is just learning. And now you, I literally in that moment walked upstairs, I walked upstairs to my wife. And this was the hard part. I'm like, I need to tell you something. And I told her what I just told you. I said, I, that was embarrassing. I was acting like a victim and I'm sorry. And, you know, my wife looks at me, she's like, yeah, I know. Like, yeah, but she's seen this before. But it was the first time in the long time but it actually hit home. And so that accountability then, now, immediately the next time that feeling comes like what am I going to do, right. I've just, I've just allowed it to come up. I told it to my wife. There's accountability there. Then I have a choice about what I would do and that makes me better. That makes us better as dads. And so we've, I haven't always been big enough to be on the inside to own that stuff. Sometimes I've wanted to live in it. I've wanted to be the victim. It feels better, but it doesn't serve anybody. It doesn't serve ourselves. It won't serve our families. So you've got to, you've got to get big enough on the inside to own it when it's not great. And that's the way through it. And that's manhood, isn't it? Like just man up. Level up. Let's go after it. Let's deal with it and let's move forward and become better guys.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:25:55] And it's so easy to spot and someone else. To spot in one of our kids, in a friend, in our spouse to spot that victim mentality of like, oh, they're not, they're, they're blaming circumstances. They're doing this or that. Like, it's so easy to the, the classic, Bible verse around spotting, you know, we're spotting the sawdust versus taking the plank out of our own eye, right.
Ian Smith: [00:26:18] The plan in our own eye. Yeah.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:26:19] Yeah. That's it, it's it. So so I think that piece of advice just really sits like I needed to hear that of like, no, like like, what are we doing? Like this little performance of like, poor me. That's, it's and also we have the eyes of our kids. All of us who are dads, have the eyes of our kids watching. Does dad own? Because that is one of the characteristics that will take our kids well beyond us is, you know, problem solving, resilience, ownership, a growth mindset, right. These are the things we want in our kids. Can we own it as ourselves?
Ian Smith: [00:26:54] Yeah. Where is it going to start, right? Yeah. Exactly.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:26:57] Yeah. So to go into more practical ideas for dad wisdom, for the guys listening. Let's use the filter of, because, you know, your daughters are within a decade of maybe several of them being married and, maybe, you know, now you're talking advice to their future husbands, the future dads of your grandkids. So think, think even what would you want, if they were, if you were all on a family trip and they're young dads now. It's your daughters, husbands or young dads, and you're sitting around a campfire and they're saying, hey, what's your, what's where should I put the most focus? Where should I prioritize? What are some like, hey, do this as a dad to to follow God and to bring life to our families? What are some things top of mind? Just anything that you would maybe you want to share with us.
Ian Smith: [00:27:40] I mean, the biggest thing is, is having an authentic and vibrant relationship with with God, right. Through, and like like what I experienced, like through the Holy Spirit. Where, like, I think nothing brings stability and security to a family, to a life, to the kids, then a dad who kind of like the kids who are let's just call him right. It's sort of subverted to the father where they realize that that guy's actually under authority. So, like, if he needs to be straightened out, like he he'll get straightened out and living that I like, that's that to me is huge. So like the, again, like this idea like real manhood isn't is communicative. It's vulnerable. It's authentic. It doesn't mean there's the ditch on the other side that every time, you know, like you'd like that you're the victim, you're complaining or you're, you know, like we're always airing dirty laundry. Like there's a fine line there, but just to to own your stuff. But, to model an authentic relationship with God where you're showing the humility to reverse course, to say I'm sorry, to, to identify things in you. So like I would just say to a guy like you, I mean, the first thing would be like, where is your relationship at? And and that has to be first place, you know, in your, in your life. Other than that, like I would say, you know, if they're already, if they're already married, it's already, it'd be different if they're boys sitting around a campfire asking about being married. But you know, that decision that I made to marry my wife is the most important decision I have ever made. And I don't think it's something that should be rushed into. I think it's something that needs to be prayed through. And really looked at, because it really will set you up for the rest of your life. But once you are married, communicate, you know, do everything you can to just be, you know, be authentic and don't don't cover up your fears, your, you know, trust your, trust your spouse in a way that, you know, you can trust the relationship and you're able to to actually be real and authentic and then like lead. Like do not, do not rely on your, your wife to lead, but you lead. That doesn't mean like sometimes like in marriages, like the, the you know, women are very, you know, outgoing and expressive or have more teaching, more of a teaching side of that. Doesn't matter that it's not that. It's just being the force of of the of the family time, of family communication, of accountability in your own family, I think is you don't have to be necessarily the primary, primary voice. You just need to be the primary force to ensure that the right culture is being created in your in your family. And if you don't know how to do that, find somebody like, like find a mentor, find a father. If your father's out there, find somebody and like it, like, literally go out, take them out for lunch, pay for their lunch, and pick their brain every single week.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:30:32] I mean, that piece of advice alone of if you don't have that mentor, if you don't have a dad who can look to and say, man, I can, I can go get advice and wisdom from it, like go and find it. That ties to the ownership principle you already shared. It ties to the though I'm not going to, I'm not going to coast and numb and be apathetic. I'm going to actually step in and lead, and I'm gonna figure out how to lead by going after it. So obviously books, podcast, but then the, the, the advice of go buy somebody a meal and bring a notebook and say, the same kind of questions I'm asking you right now. Any young dad can ask questions, take notes and go put into practice. And it's a limitless, I really think it's limitless. Just like this podcast is now 319 episodes or something like, people will say yes if you're hungry for wisdom. Any dad listening, if you're hungry for wisdom, you spot someone that you're like, it's not. It's not a perfect dad or leader or husband, but it's someone who I could learn from. So I'm going to take initiative and ask to go out to coffee or to lunch or to breakfast, take that notebook, ask questions, and then go, you know, take action on the advice given. I think that changes, that changes everything when we, when we go after leanring and we put it into practice.
Ian Smith: [00:31:44] Totally. And yeah, and it's easy. It's not, it's not, it's not hard. It's actually quite easy. And you might have to go through a few people where you take them out for coffee or whatever, but, you know, finding somebody that's advanced and can, you know, that's a little more advanced in age and, and life experience. I could do wonders when it comes to the, like, even the practical stuff. Fine, like finances and your careers and all of that stuff. So, hopefully, like within the church environment, that mentorship is readily available. It's not always, unfortunately. But it shouldn't be too hard to to find somebody and for sure, pray them in.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:32:24] You can tell, I mean, often I can tell in myself, I can look in the mirror and tell in myself, but I can also tell with other, other dads if the fire is is dwindling. If the fire for taking ownership, being a leader, being a man who's chasing after God's heart and seeking His voice and decisions, pursuing the hearts of his kids and his wife like when the fire starts to dwindle, you can tell. And you mentioned earlier a list of, other pursuits, that are in that direction of destructive, as a dad. So it can be alcohol, job, it could be pornography. It can be, there's so many things Netflix, you mentioned, right. Like there's so many passive, numbing type because there's a lot being thrown at us as dads. There's a lot of just like, responsibility that feels heavy. So all of a sudden the drift is and and the accuser, Satan, would love to just get more and more dads to just, hey, you don't have to go blow up the world with negativity, but you could just be passive and not take leadership. So if someone finds themselves and they just say, hey, you know what, I'm more on that side right now than the leader who's on fire for God, more on that side of numbing and just kind of making it through. What are some of the things, you mentioned, one of them already, which is, is a go take someone to lunch or breakfast and ask them, like that alone will start to move you out of the ditch of passivity. But what are some other just encouragements or, next steps for those guys who find themselves kind of stuck?
Ian Smith: [00:33:47] Being stuck and knowing you're stuck are two different things, right. Like being stuck, you're probably not going to get out of there, but if you know, you're stuck, I think, like, I don't know, it's just not hard. If you know you're stuck, do something different. Like, I don't, I don't know that there's a, you know, here's the thing, who can do it for you? Nobody can. So do something. Make a change somewhere. Put yourself out there. So what I would do, typically, is, I mean, I've even done this recently with some of the guys that, like, we were talking about a mutual friend who I just called up and I said, like, I need a covering, I need accountability, I'm doing some stuff online, I'm launching out, and I want somebody to ask me hard questions about whether or not I'm doing what I said I was going to do. Like, it's just putting yourself out there and deciding that you're going to make a change. You're going to have accountability over it. Then just do something. You'll be amazed, like, do something, make some little change. Tell somebody you're going to do it and then watch what happens. It doesn't have to be much. I mean, if you find that you're numbing yourself with bingeing on Netflix, then tell your wife or tell someone to change the code on the thing or not allow you to be on it and you'll set up. You don't have to, sometimes, that's it, I got to go cold turkey. I'm going to like that's it I've canceled Netflix so then the whole family suffering. You know, they're not the issue, but we've, no, no, we don't want to have it right. So, but just do something, make a change. And I guarantee what you'll find is that positive momentum, it'll take time, but that positive momentum will spiral into other things. I lived my life for a long time, just feeling like I had to change everything in a moment. It's like going to the gym, you haven't gone there for, you know, like, whatever a year you hit there and then you're like, well, I'm here, so I'm going to hit every part of my body. And if you can't get out of bed the next day because you're sore and then you don't work out for like three months because you're so sore, like that doesn't help anybody either. Have some grace for yourself. Forgive like, you know, offer yourself grace and mercy. Be like, it's all good. I'm going to make a little change and get on the path, and you'll find you'll walk out of that thing really quickly with accountability and a little bit of a vision about where you want to go. And, and I think that's a really important piece too, is if you don't like the life you have start envisioning the one you want and let that burn on the inside of you, and then you'll be amazed that when you have the kind of the what you want, start to settle in your heart, the how is going to make itself known to you, simply.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:36:16] The the advice is so simple that you're sharing, but it's so like necessary is is like envision the future. Envision who do you want to be, is what you're doing in alignment with that vision, or is it counter to the vision. But I know the Lord spoke something to you in, because you shared this with me before we hit record. He said, He's, the Lord shared, when you decide you want to be a dad, you'll enjoy, you'll enjoy this much more. Did I get that quote right?
Ian Smith: [00:36:47] Yeah, yeah, and it was years and years and years ago. I'd say maybe, I might have had, at that point, I didn't have all four of the girls and maybe had three of them. They were all young. The responsibility of being a dad. It was that simple. And it was like I hadn't embraced it. I hadn't embraced that. This is what I'm still holding on to something, like, I don't know, my old like, might my time being my own, whatever it was. And it was like I was holding fatherhood, I didn't really recognize it. I just recognized I was disgruntled, I was frustrated. Seems to be a pattern in my life when I'm disgruntled or frustrated. You know, ask, dig in there, ask why/ but I just remember the Lord just spoke to me, and when I say spoke like I just kind of like this impression I had. I just had this impression, like, when you decide you want to be a father, you'll enjoy it. And I just realized, yeah, I, I hadn't like, embraced it. And it was when, I mean, it's not like everything got super easy after that, but it was this little moment where I just went, yeah, You're right, I'm fighting it. I need to embrace it. I started to look at everything as adventure, like having four kids and going to the mall, and they're all under the age of eight, like that's an adventure. You can look at that like, that's like you're going to go grocery shopping by yourself. Like not, yeah, why? Because it's like I can. What a challenge. This is the way we love stuff, as guys. We love challenges. We like conquering. We like doing stuff. That's fine. Turn your fatherhood into that. Like when you're, when you're asked to babysit four kids, and you're sitting there and you're like, we should we going in the, in the backyard and do the xyz, like, wow, that's going to be hard, just do it. See what happens. Like take on the challenge and start to change the way that you view what you're doing, and you're going to enjoy it a lot more, like that was a huge key for me.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:38:42] I love that you and I love the mindset of this will be an adventure. You're going to learn more that way. You're going to have more fun that way. You're not going to grumble because you chose the adventure and it's going to be a better story to tell afterwards.
Ian Smith: [00:38:56] Right. And I was thinking the same thing. I was literally just thinking like, we have, right or wrong, but we kind of like that. Like, imagine your wife coming home being like, dude, you went grocery shopping with four kids. Like, yeah, I did. That's good. Like, those are good things in marriages. They feel good here. They they they're great. And so I think every day can be that. Every day we have opportunities to be like that.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:39:22] We we created, kind of like a boot camp, call and response, a few phrases that I've taught the girls. And so the first one is, I'm a winner, not a whiner and I'll kind of like, sing it out. I'm a winner, not a whiner. I am grateful, I don't grumble, is the second one. And then the third one, my daughter does a lot better than me, but, I am confident, I don't complain. And she kind of sings it with this little, she bends the note. It's beautiful when she sings. I won't for you guys now. But, internally, almost daily, I will grumble, my inner voice is grumbling versus my inner voice saying, oh, I'm so grateful. So grateful. And what I'm hearing from you is like, it, that's powerful is how we think about, mindset of am I thinking with gratitude? This will be an adventure. It'll be a great story to tell. Let's do it. We're all going to grow from this and it'll be fun. Versus, this is so hard, I'm going to grumble about this. Huge deal when you think about this current chapter of teenagers and you know, you're in the launch season, you're older, you're older ones, you're launching and you're you got the little,s at the same exact time. But specifically thinking about high schoolers and a phase that I don't know anything about, junior high, high school. What do you what do you feel like God is teaching you in this moment? And where do you want to grow as you think about the next phase and really pursuing the hearts of your your four older girls? Is there any, like, hey, you're pretty sure this is an area for you to step into with more of your whole heart?
Ian Smith: [00:40:50] The teenage years are a, they're a challenge for for for a girl. Like they are for guys to I mean I don't I wouldn't know. It's girls are bombarded nowadays with bullying. It doesn't matter who you are with drama, with lies being said about them, with divisions and friendships. Like just it just seems maybe it's not far more than it was in my own life. We need to be speaking into our kids. We need to speaking in our kids who they, who they are like we need to be. The the way I've always understood, like the Father is the is the identity forger in our children. I think that's the same way, again, like, you know, no one comes to the Father except through me. Like, when we embrace the Father, He wants to talk to us about who we really are as sons and our unique identity and things like that. And as fathers, I think we need to pour that into our kids as well. I find that the mom is more almost more of that does the same thing that reinforcing, almost like Holy Spirit, like reinforcing that kind of thing thenfathers are. But I think, like, we have to teach our kids, we have to teach our kids who they are. They have to find their value and their worth, in our love or acceptance of value and acceptance of the father, but in who they're created to be. Because it's it is it seems like it's just a harder, our world out there. And I'd say that the place that I need to get better at that, as my kids continue to grow and flourish through the teenage years, is is building them positively and, using positive language instead of negative language. And it's so easy. And there's a tendency for me because I'm always sort of as a personality, I'm almost, you know, focused on like some of the reasons why I shared stories I shared because I'm focusing, I'm thinking about myself and being like, oh, I don't like that thought. Okay, let me tackle that. Let me get. But then what that causes for in me is, is you can look at somebody else and think, what, what caused that? Like what is the bad thing that caused that, like, what are you thinking there? And then it becomes this negative. It can be a lot of a negative loop. And, and I think I've, I've sown a lot of that into my, my girls, which isn't awesome. And so what the Lord is teaching me about is, is I don't want to, I don't want to be that anymore. I want to speak more positively over my kids, speak to their identity, try to let some things go. You know, not be so kind of hyper vigilant about calling out things that I think are, are going to be a challenge in their character, you know, as they move forward in their life. But just really speaking to their, their identity and, and actually really praying into who they are. Like, as parents, we have a far better understanding and idea about who our kids are and something that they do and but also that then other obviously the people around them and we have the ability to to speak over them, the things we see in their lives, unique giftings of personality, all of those things. And I think when you give your kids a grounding in that, then they have a much better shot at navigating all the rest of those things that that kind of give them the, have the opportunity to kind of knock them off track, right. So like to me, it's all, it always comes back down to identity. And I think that's the Lord is teaching me maybe how to deliver it in a way. And it's hard for me because I'm not built this way, but to to the way to build it into my kids is different than than the way I have been doing it, if that makes sense.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:44:12] It sure does. Ian, our Heavenly Father is slow to anger and abounding in love. And so what you, what you just shared is a challenge to yourself is, that was for me. Like the wisdom to pause and let things go, and then the wisdom to take and speak life and to build up and reinforce identity versus, versus come alongside in a coaching way, or cut down or try to get them to back on the right track with my words that that actually, or speaking death or pointing out what's wrong. So yeah. Thank you. That is so like transferable into my actions, words, tones, today, today.
Ian Smith: [00:44:54] Awesome, man.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:44:56] Yeah. Ian, would you take a moment and pray over all of us dads listening and praying that identity piece would just be a gift?
Ian Smith: [00:45:05] Absolutely. Father, we thank you so much. Lord, I thank You that in this You have deposited in all of Your creation us as seed of Your divine character and nature. You know, the the the earth is the fullness of Your glory. It says in Isaiah 6:3, and I thank You that in each of the men listening and all the people that, you know, men, women listening. But as men, our wives, our kids, everybody around us, our neighbors, the people in our church, the people outside of our church, the people in our workplaces, everyone. Everyone hosts a seed of the divine nature of their Heavenly Father on the inside of them. And Father, I just ask You that, help us to see like You see. To usher in Your glory, covering the face of this earth by speaking to those unique identities on the inside of the people around us, and understanding and living fearlessly in our own identity that You've been, You've given to us. Because that is the place of our greatest power, passion, purpose and provision. And so, Father, I just pray that there be an awakening, everybody under the sound of my voice, and cascading through them to their families and the communities around them that would awaken people to the the beauty, the significance, the value, the dignity of the unique identity planted on the inside of them. And, Father, that we would begin to see Your glory flourish in and through people's lives. In Jesus name, Amen.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:46:56] Thank you for joining us for this conversation, episode 322, with Ian Smith. All the conversation notes, the transcript, the key quotes and key takeaways for today's conversation are all going to be found at dadawesome.org/podcast. So go check out the show notes. It's also in your podcast app. I want to remind you guys it's been a little while since I've asked for this, but ratings and reviews, if you're on Spotify, if you're on Apple Podcasts, or if you're on a different player, if you can leave just a five star rating and a sentence or two about how DadAwesome has been helpful. That helps more dads find out about this podcast. We had a wild start to the year January, February. There was a few episodes that just really went, with the closest thing to viral for us, where, you know, you expected to be listened to by call it a thousand dads and and it's four times that, five times that, that was pretty wild. So we don't, I still don't know why those podcasts, specifically YouTube of those couple of podcasts, why they took off the way they did and where the traffic's coming from and how that all worked. I'm still learning. I'm still praying through God, Your timeline. I want to see more dads encouraged, more dads reminded that this is a gift. The dad life is a gift. Man, our prayers that we would be activating dads to lead with wonder. We want to, we want to step in with our whole hearts with wonder, with thankfulness, pursuing the hearts of our kids. And, and so the more times you leave a rating or review, or the more times you text dadawesome.org just text the website, text a podcast episode to a friend, another dad. It matters. It matters and I'm grateful. So guys, thanks for listening, this week. Reminder that we're a week and a half away from the DadAwesome Spring Accelerator group from closing those applications. So, send an email to awesome@dadawesome.org if you want to get more information. Just if you're curious at all, well, we'll shoot you the flyover, the outline of the experience, the promises and the expectations and the application link. So email awesome@dadawesome.org. Thanks guys. Have an amazing week.
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· 24:11 "There's all of this stuff that we go through and situations and fears we have, it's natural. But we can learn to cope with them in such bad ways or we can numb ourselves. We can get complacent. We can Netflix ourselves, drink ourselves, sports ourselves, work ourselves, tax ourselves out of it all. [Instead] of actually dealing with it and never dealing with it. And all that's going to do is continue to hurt us, which then is gonna hurt our family."
· 35:50 - "[Telling myself] I'm going to make a change and get on the path, and you'll find you'll walk out of that thing really quickly with accountability and a little bit of a vision about where you want to go. That's a really important piece too, is if you don't like the life you have, start envisioning the one you want and let that burn on the inside of you. You'll be amazed that when you have the what you want start to settle in your heart, the how is going to make itself known to."
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