338 | DA+3 Group Guide: Jim Jackson
Episode Description
In the third installment of the DA+3 series, rediscover timeless advice from Jim Jackson. You'll learn why being "fast, large, and loud" isn't effective and how to make a shift that leads to more connection with your kids. Plus, explore the 10 DA+3 Discussion Questions below to prompt meaningful conversations about legacy, peace, your fatherhood report card, and more.
-
Jim Jackson and his wife, Lynne, are the co-founders of Connected Families, a non-profit ministry that has been bringing reliable, God-centered, research-based parenting resources to all families since 2002.
-
· Be Slow, Soft, and Low: Our default as dads is to be fast, large, and loud. Instead, you can create more connection by changing how you approach your kids.
· "One-Another" Fatherhood: Look at all the areas in the Bible with "one another" commands and apply those behaviors to your relationship with your children.
· Your Child is Not Your Report Card: How your kids behave is not a reflection of your value.
· Beyond Understanding: You will never understand everything as a dad. Prayerfully seek God's wisdom, insight, and understanding.
· Legacy: Love your wife and kids well.
DA+3 Group Guide Discussion Questions:
Why do you think us dads default to being fast, large, and loud?
How do you practice being "slow, soft, and low" instead of "fast, large, and loud" when interacting with your kids?
Scan the infographic of all the "one another" commands in the New Testament. Which one stands out most to you as something you want to practice more?
Have you ever patted yourself on the back when your child behaved well?
On the other hand, when did you feel like a failure because of something your kid did or didn't do?
If you had a real "Dad Report Card," what subjects or things would it measure? (Hint: It should not be directly linked to your kid's behavior.)
What does it look like to be okay and remember where your value comes from, even when your children are struggling?
Thinking about Philippians 4:7, in what situations or areas of your life do you need to pray for the peace of God, which transcends all understanding?
What is the #1 legacy you want to leave as a husband?
What is the #1 legacy you want to leave as a father?
-
-
Podcast Intro: [00:00:01] Being a great father takes a massive amount of courage. Instead of being an amazing leader and a decent dad, I want to be an amazing dad and a decent leader. The oldest dad in the world gave you this assignment, which means you must be ready for it. As a dad, I get on my knees and I fight for my kids. Let us be those dads who stop the generational pass down of trauma. I want encounters with God where He teaches me what to do with my kids. I know I'm going to be an awesome dad because I'm gonna give it my all.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:00:39] What's up DadAwesome. Welcome back. This is episode 338. My name is Jeff Zaugg and we're in summer, summer mode. So this is the DA+3 Group guide series. That's a mouthful. But the whole heart here is DadAwesome, you are not DadAwesome. I am not DadAwesome unless I have a group. Unless I've taken what I've learned, what I've learned, how I've been inspired. The journey of being DadAwesome, is not DadAwesome, unless we invite other guys. We've said DA+3. Just invite three other dads, just three other dads to, to have a conversation around the dad life. And we're gonna make this really simple with these short, like ten minute episodes where we take an episode from the past, from the archives, and we give you my top takeaways. So I'm just going to give you, quickly, my top five takeaways today from, from Jim Jackson. This is from six years ago. So we released July of 2018, we released this episode, episode 28 with Jim Jackson. I'm gonna give you my top five takeaways. You don't have to go listen to the whole thing. Some of you might learn from today, the top five takeaways, you might be like, I'm going back. I'm going to go back. I want to learn. I want to listen to this episode, so that you can certainly do that. But I'm going to give you my top five takeaways, and then we're going to give you ten discussion questions. These are going to be in your podcast app. You can find the questions right there, in the show notes. You can also go to dadawesome.org to the podcast tab, and all the discussio questions are right there. You can open them up and you've got ten options of discussion questions. Many of us, all we need is like two questions and we're set. We can make a good cup of coffee. We could sit around, have a great conversation. We can, we can grill out, grill some burgers together, have a great conversation. We can, pull guys together for a game night and then have some great conversation around this content. Guys, don't do the dad life alone. That's my encouragement to you guys today. So episode. 338, Jim Jackson, he's the founder of Connected Families. And actually it's because my buddy Derek has continued to bring up principles from Connected Families. This is a long time ago, six years ago. But I've got a good friend, Derek, who said, man, you've got to dive back into the content from Jim and Lynn Jackson, from Connected Families. So that was enough for me to go back and relisten to this conversation and decide to feature him as part of this seven episode series. So we got the seven seven episodes this summer, this series. Here we go. My top five takeaways from Jim Jackson. The first one is fast, large, loud. That's our default as dads. His encouragement is slow, soft and low. Take a listen.
Jim Jackson: [00:03:22] You know, dads, we're really good at feeling that stress and jumping forward and stepping in and fixing stuff and getting stuff done and getting people to do the stuff that we need them to do. Even if it's just by our posture, we get big and we get loud and we get demanding, and the people around us, we think that it's respect, but oftentimes I fear that it's fear. And we think that we're doing something in the name of gaining respect, when in fact we're scaring people into a form of compliance that builds distance in their trust of us, not closeness. We're fast and we're large and we're loud like a big, scary bear. And that's how we get stuff done with our kids. What we know now, and this is really brain research that, that's come to the fore since we started our ministry, we knew this intuitively. Now it's kind of been proven is that when, when you or I or anybody else for that matter, is approached by something fast, large and loud, our brain goes into a certain mode and it's protective mode, it's defensive mode, and it's what some people know as fight or flight or freeze. And so what happens when we're fast, large and loud is that our kids brains go into that place to the point where they either fight, we're all familiar with that. You may not. I'm gonna. You may not. I don't care what you say. I'm gonna. You may not. Or else. And then they turn and run and do the thing. Or when they her, the or else they go from fight to freeze or flee. They'll just run away and do what you asked them to do, which is actually the scariest of all, because now they're afraid, they're scared. They've been intimidated into compliance, which is not anything like hard obedience. And we think out of our good intentions that they are being obedient. Obedience is a matter of the heart, not a matter of behavior. And when our kids, comply, that's not obedience. They, that's just doing what they're told because they've been told to do it because they're scared of what will happen if they don't. And if that's the the mode of operation for us, then our kids grow in fear as we grow in a sense of demanding and being, like the habit just keeps getting bigger and bigger as the kids get older and older.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:05:25] So let's move into this second top takeaway from this conversation, and it's one another fatherhood. Now, he doesn't call it, Jim didn't call it one another fatherhood, but this is my takeaway. He talks about look to all of the areas in the Bible, there's over 40 of them, that it says one another. One another, be at peace with one another. Don't grumble amongst one another. It talks about, there's a whole section of unity based so gently, patiently, tolerating one another. Be kind and tenderhearted, forgiving one another. Love one another, serve one another. I actually found an infographic that I'll link in the show notes that has all of these one another's. And I think guys, as just a template, as an encouragement, as a resource for us as dads, this idea of one another fatherhood. Using this lens of these 40 plus Bible verses, and again, they're all going to be listed out for you. You can actually study into this of could I just be growing in this one another fatherhood? Instead of, instead of taking some of the, you know, the, the defaults in the dad life is to kind of stir up and be angry or frustrated, instead depressed and, and say, man, this is what I want to walk with as a dad. Is this one another fatherhood. Man, being humble with each other, submitting to one another, loving one another, bearing one, one another's burdens. Like this is what I want. This is what I want with my girls, my four daughters to think about when they think about me, this one another fatherhood. I think it's incredible insights. And again, there's more in the show notes there. The third takeaway from Jim Jackson is your child is not your report card. So often as dad, when someone, when someone encourages me and affirms me and says, man, you're such a great dad. I will pat myself on the back and say, well done. My report card is I got an A today, right. We all do this. We want to be encouraged and affirmed that we're doing a good job as a parent, as a dad. Well, that's not true. Actually, how my kids behave is not a reflection of my value as a human being, as my value as a dad. We can't use how our kids behave to say this means I'm more or less valuable. My report card as dad is not directly linked with my kids behaviors. It's just such, there's such freedom in this, that, that our kids make their own decisions. And we can't actually start to parent from a place of rewarding ourselves and giving ourselves, like, a better report card if our kids behave a certain way. Otherwise we'll we'll default to behavior based parenting, which is short sighted. There's a lot more there, but guys, don't let your dad life, don't let your report card be directly linked to the behavior of your kids. The fourth one, I call Beyond understanding. This comes from Philippians 4 verse 7, and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. The takeaway here is we actually, we need more than our own understanding. So it says it transcends understanding, beyond our understanding. As dad, there's things that bubble up in me. There's things that bubble up and I'm like, I don't understand. Why am I feeling this right now? Why am I so wrapped up in this one small thing of of my second oldest daughter doing this and it makes me feel this way? Guys, we can't, we can't depend on what's seen right in front of us and what's felt right now, in the present. There's things beyond our understanding. We need God, the peace of God, which transcends all understanding. I actually need beyond my own understanding to God's heart, and I need Him to guard my heart and mind in Christ Jesus. So, so Jim's encouragement is to go into, man, what is it about me? What about my thoughts, my feelings? What are past experiences that might have left me feeling broken or hurt? What's deeper beyond my understanding, that's affecting how I'm walking out the dad life today? So, so just an encouragement to like prayerfully, say God, what's below the surface? Beyond our understanding, we need God's insight into what's causing us. And we need healing. Often we need healing from things that are unseen that are back into our past, maybe things from our own childhood that are causing us to to parent today with maybe more angst, or more worry, or more fear or more anger. And we need healing so we don't have to walk that out. We need beyond our understanding, God's insights. And then the last one, little bonus, before we go to the last one is there's a framework from Connected Families that talks about, there's a foundation, a connection point to coaching, a correction. The foundation is you are safe with me. This is the foundation, is you are safe. Then there's a connect, you are loved no matter what. The next part of this framework is a coaching, you are called and you are capable. And then then the last part around correction is you are responsible for your actions. This framework from Connected families, they've got several free video resources that unpack this, but also there's a lot of depth here. Their book, Discipline That Connects with your Child's Heart. I'm going to link it. This book is one that I've read the paper version and listened to the audible. I actually did, with my wife six years ago, an online course around Discipline that Connects with your child's heart. So this framework is deep and vast. I'm not trying to summarize it, but you are safe, your loved, you are called and capable and you are responsible, is the framework. And that applies to the last takeaway today. The last takeaway is around legacy. I asked Jim Jackson this legacy question and his answer, he actually, he actually said he's like, I'm shaking right now as I say this, because I know this with conviction. The answer to what does he want to be remembered for? And Jim's answer to that question of legacy was that that he loved his wife well. That he actually walked out these, this four part framework that they have at Connected Families of she experienced safety with him. She knew that she was loved no matter what. That she experienced this like being called and capable and like this, this, this idea that Jim loved her really well. Regardless of differences, regardless of moments of valley moments, mountaintop moments that he loved her really well. I, when I heard him reflect on the legacy, I'm like, I want that. I want the most important person in my life, my wife, Michelle, to experience deep love and be able to say, man, Jeff loved her well. I know that's true of you guys who are married. The second part of his legacy answer was around his kids, and that his kids experienced that love from him, that he loved his kids well. Regardless of their actions. Regardless of if they took different paths and different ways they agree with this, disagree with this. That they knew that he loved them well. They were loved no matter what. That's like unconditional love, which is impossible for us to fully walk out. But man, could I just, could that be part of who I am? So I love well, the people that matter most to me. And I just really appreciate how Jim brought that legacy answer. So those are my five top takeaways. My top five takeaways from Jim Jackson from six years ago. So, encourage you guys to check out the top, these ten discussion questions. So DA+3 Group Guides. We have ten discussion questions for you right in your podcast app and also at dadawesome.org. Guys, I pray that this summer, this series is the third installment of this summer series, all trying to activate you guys to grab some other dads, and do this as a group. Don't wait for someone else to take the initiative. Guys, invite a few dads, you can pick, if you haven't started yet, you can pick any of the, we've got three episodes out now. Pick one and have a campfire. Pick one and take some guys out fishing and bring the question with you. Guys, I want to encourage you being DadAwesome is not a solo journey. We have to have other dads that we're growing with, that we're learning with. So we want to encourage you guys, let me pray for you. Heavenly Father, thank You for this week. A moment to grow together as dads. I pray for the DadAwesome listeners, the the dads who are pressing in and saying, man, I care about my kids hearts. I want to connect with them deeper. I want to lead well on the home front. God, I pray that these dads listening today would have courage, but it would also have more than intent, would actually take action upon recruiting some other dads. DA+3, God, just a few other dads, three other dads they'd invite in and grow with, and learn with, and travel this journey of the dad life together with. God, may they have that courage to reach out and invite a few others in. God, thank You that You have, You have shown us this path all through the Bible, that it's community, it's brotherhood, it's journeying together, not trying to do this stuff alone. So God, give us courage to take the next step. And thank You for breakthrough this week. We pray in Jesus name. Amen. Have a great week, guys.
-
· 3:22 - "Dads, we're really good at feeling that stress and jumping forward and stepping in and fixing stuff and getting stuff done and getting people to do the stuff that we need them to do. Even if it's just by our posture, we get big and we get loud and we get demanding, and the people around us, we think that it's respect, but oftentimes I fear that it's fear. We think that we're doing something in the name of gaining respect, when in fact we're scaring people into a form of compliance that builds distance in their trust of us, not closeness."
· 5:00 - "Obedience is a matter of the heart, not a matter of behavior. When our kids comply, that's not obedience. That's just doing what they're told because they've been told to do it because they're scared of what will happen if they don't. If that's the the mode of operation for us, then our kids grow in fear as we grow in a sense of demanding and being the habit just keeps getting bigger and bigger as the kids get older and older."
Connect with DadAwesome
Learn about our Fathers for the Fatherless events in 2023:https://f4f.bike/
Follow@dadawesome on Instagram
Make a Donation to DadAwesome (tax-deductible)
Join the DadAwesome Prayer Team
Receive weekly encouragement by texting "dad" to 651-370-8618