Episode 262 Transcript (Kris Vallotton)

Episode 262 Transcript with Kris Vallotton

Podcast Intro: [00:00:01] Being a great father takes a massive amount of courage. Instead of being an amazing leader and a decent dad, I want to be an amazing dad and a decent leader. The oldest dad in the world gave you this assignment, which means you must be ready for it. As a dad, I get on my knees and I fight for my kids. Let us be those dads who stop the generational pass down of trauma. I want encounters with God where He teaches me what to do with my kids. I know I’m going to be an awesome dad because I’m give it my all.

Jeff Zaugg: [00:00:39] Hey guys. Welcome back to dadAWESOME. Today, episode 262, I have Kris Vallotton joining me. He just released a book called Uprising and I read the entire book and it is so helpful. It brings his passion for intentional fatherhood right alongside his deep passion to help the fatherless and to see a shift in this fatherlessness epidemic. Man, he wants to see the next generation look very different than the current generation, and so do all of us. So I’m so thankful you’re joining us today. Speaking of fatherlessness, our ministry Fathers for the Fatherless, this this a ministry that mobilizes men to bike 100 miles. You guys are going to see some new resources coming, some new events. In fact, one month from now, we’re doing our first Father’s for the Fatherless Spartan obstacle course race in, that’s in Jacksonville, Florida, that’s on February 25th. You guys are going to see our triathlon team rolling out in Minnesota. So there’s a number of triathlons that our team is going to engage in and compete in and do it as a team, which is incredible. This will be our fifth year for our 100 mile bike rides. They’re located across the country, but our kind of flagship ride is in Minnesota, that will be on August 5th of this year. So more information coming there. But our our ministry has that same dual purpose of helping with intentional fatherhood and helping the fatherless, through Fathers for the Fatherless. So a lot of shared heartbeat here with Kris Vallotton. If you missed it, last week was our five year celebrations, so jump back to episode 261, if you missed our five year celebration last week. But without any further intro, let me jump right into this is my conversation with Kris Vallotton. Over the last 2 to 3 years, Kris Vallotton, you have been a voice of wisdom. You haven’t known me because it’s been through my earbuds and through your messages and books and friends of friends, but you’ve poured into me and this journey of starting dadAWESOME and resourcing men, fathers, and thank you for taking this time to connect, through Zoom, for this podcast conversation.

Kris Vallotton: [00:02:44] Well, it’s so great to find other people that are actually carrying the same heart into this, you know, into this season and into this culture that we that we live in right now.

Jeff Zaugg: [00:02:54] I’m grateful to be on this journey, imperfectly, but I’m on the journey and committed and passionate. I sat down with your son, two and a half years ago, Jason, and interviewed him. And he spoke about you, probably a third of the conversation, he was talking about you. And I thought maybe we’d start our time with you talking about Jason. If you could introduce Jason from a this is what I see in him with, you know, young children and older children. This is what I see in him that I wish more dads would copy, would take from his example. Can you call out some of those things you see in your son, Jason?

Kris Vallotton: [00:03:27] Wow. Well, one thing I’ll say that, you know, Jay was a better dad when he was 25 than I was at 40. And I think that’s an attribute to the fact that, you know, he grew up in a in a healthy home and a little bit bragging about ours, in that ours was not a perfect calm, but it was a healthy home. Where, you know, where we loved our kids and we took an interest in them. And I grew up in a very troubled home. So, you know, he’s done a wonderful job. But now he has two, you know, he has he has three kids that are out of the house and in their teens or early twenties, and he has two little ones, eight month old and a two year old and they live just down the street. So I’m getting school every day about how I should have really done it, you know, because they’re him and his wife, Lauren, are just they’re just moms and dads on a level that I, I never not only did I didn’t, not only did I not behave like that, but I didn’t even know to behave like that. So it’s it’s it’s really exciting to watch the next generation really come to a new level of fathering and mothering. And it is exciting that their kids are, all their kids, all five of their kids are thriving. And as I said, they live down the street, so I get to see them several times a week, and it’s it’s a great joy. But also, you know, at my age, it’s it’s amazing that you can still learn. And I, I seriously, you know, watching Jason engage with his children and be present and I’d say that was my greatest challenge in my life, when my kids were growing up. But I didn’t see until later was that I was all I was home all the time, but I was seldom present. And I watched Jay be home with his kids and be so present, you know, whether it’s, you know, sitting on the floor reading 85 books. She loves to, she’ll bring him books, and read this one, too, you know, and I was like, I never had the patience for that. Or whether it’s, you know, changing diapers and, you know, and and spending his his wife or go go away for a day, on a break, and he’ll have the kids alone, a one year old and a, you know, eight month old and a two year old. And, you know, she’ll leave him alone for a day or two and he he is and I’m like, my wife wouldn’t leave me for an hour with my children at that age. So, you know, it’s the next generation of fathering. And I’m I’m so proud of him.

Jeff Zaugg: [00:06:04] Yeah. Well, thanks for pointing out a few of those specifics. There’s a picture on your Instagram from a few weeks ago, I think, maybe it’s Thanksgiving, maybe it was earlier, of you and your wife holding hands at the gate of a driveway and your family’s behind you. Do you know the picture I’m talking about?

Kris Vallotton: [00:06:18] Yeah. It’s our house.

Jeff Zaugg: [00:06:19] I was wondering if you could point out, whatever your mind jumps to, that image of you guys in focus, your family behind you. Any parallels to some of your passions and dreams and even maybe go after legacy a little bit? How do you see that playing out?

Kris Vallotton: [00:06:34] Well, you took the words out of my mouth, you know, honestly, because, you know, I had an encounter with the Lord, I’ve shared many times, and I think it’s in at least two books. You know, we were I was I was in the prayer house, I mean, I really was physically in a prayer house and I was laying on the floor and I was taken 100 years into the future. And I understand some people are going to struggle with that. How do you know it was 100 years? I don’t know. I just knew I was taken 100 years in the future and I was in this mansion or palace or, you know, this beautiful, ornate house. And I was inside and there was this old man and he was, it was like a, I don’t know, a family reunion, Thanksgiving or something. And there was, you know, just a large family of 50, 60, 70 people like you would think of in a reunion or Thanksgiving. Everybody was doing what they do, kids playing, you know, women in the kitchen, men in the front room and there was just, you know, all of this normal family kind of thing going on. And the old man was, he was standing in the front room and I was standing next to him, but he couldn’t see me. And he was doing what old men do, you know, as an old man, I’m getting there already and he was kind of musing. He was talking about, you know, you know, he’s talking about the way it used to be and the things that he experienced. And there was probably, you know, 8, 10, 12 kids around him of younger age and maybe a teenager or two. And then all of a sudden, the old man in the vision, he he began to just his countenance, his face began to change. And he had his voice deepened and he began to stare as if he was like, staring into eternity. And and and he began to talk about all this wealth and all this favor from God and all all of this and all this nobility. And as he did in the vision, the entire family stopped doing what they were doing. And they all they all with urgencies, rushed to the front room where the old man was, and they began to sit around the old man as he began to recount their nobility, their favor, their their wealth and and he was going on about how all of this wealth and nobility and favor of it all began, and when he said with your great great, great, great grandmother and grandfather. And when he said that he pointed to the this the fireplace, which was this huge, beautiful stone fireplace, it went like 30 feet into the ceiling. And there was a portrait of Kathy and I and he said, this all began with your great, great, great, great grandmother and grandfather, he point to the portrait. And as soon as he did, the vision ended and I was back in the prayer house, consciously. And I’m laying on the floor and of course, I was you know, that was 20 years ago, 22 years ago and to this day, I still can’t hardly tell a story without weeping. But when I when I got back to the prayer house, I mean, I never left the prayer house, but I mean in the vision, I heard the Lord say, I want you to quit your ministry and I want you to start well, and I want you to, I want you to pour into your legacy. From this day forward, you will live for a generation you will never see. And that that shook me. It changed. It changed everything for me. And I began to learn to think about living not just for eternity, but from eternity. And you know, every, every day, I ask myself, what is a generation? Let’s say my great, great, great, I have great, great grandkids, so how about I have grandkids and great grandkids, so let’s say great, great, great grandkids. How can I affect a generation, that is yet to be born? And so I live like that, my, you know, I have to say that, it’s a little bit of an obsession if you’re if around me all the time. Because I, pretty I’m a driven personality. And I know that I have a specific goal to empower a generation yet to come. And not just, obviously my grandkids, but as you you know, as you process that and you realize that, well, I’m actually a father to a movement. I’m not the father, but I’m a father in the movement. And how does that affect this generation? The generation that is, because, you know, I was raised that, you know, not only was I not leaving a legacy, I was living hand to mouth and the vision I had was for next week.

Jeff Zaugg: [00:11:49] Kris, I know because I’ve read a little bit about this in your book Uprising, that it started practically. You’re mentioning that you obsessed over it, but it started with 50 bucks a month for each grand, I think, grandchild, right? Not your kids, your grandkids.

Kris Vallotton: [00:12:05] Grandkids, yeah. We had five of them, I think are six at the time. And we within a month we opened accounts and put $50 a piece in there. And of course, you know, that’s resulted in real practical things like, you know, we every, every grandchild that drives, we buy the car. Now we have 1, 2, 2 grandchildren that we have helped buy houses, at a very young age. You know, they’re in their twenties and we’ve bought them both houses. We didn’t buy them houses, we gave them the down payment for the houses. And, you know, that’s just a small thing, but it’s just it’s just something that it’s a, it’s just a way of thinking.

Jeff Zaugg: [00:12:45] Beyond an inheritance and even not waiting to you’re, you’re dead, but the strategic inheritance dropping through the generations to just beyond finances. What are what are some other examples that you obsess over when it comes to this?

Kris Vallotton: [00:13:00] Well, yeah, I mean, finance is just a small part of it, you know? And I’ll tell you, we were setting aside a significant amount of money for each of my grandkids when we when they when we passed, they would have because, you know, my father passed when I was three and we we were raised on welfare. So, you know, I know, I know that gig, that wasn’t fun. But then we began to say, well, as far as the money part of it, wouldn’t it be awesome if we could, you know, give to our grandkids while we’re still alive? And so, you know, that’s the help there. But I think the bigger piece, you know, Proverbs says a righteous family’s inheritance to his children’s children and and Deuteronomy says that, I’m sorry, and it goes Proverbs goes on to say house and wealth are inheritance for fathers. And then, you know, Deuteronomy I think it says, the secret things belong to the Lord, but the things that are revealed belong to us and our sons forever and ever. So I call it the IP property of God, like the revelation that we have needs to pass on to the next generation. So as we write books, as a matter of fact, right after that encounter, I wrote the book, I was actually writing the book Heavy Rain. It had a chapter or two done. And after I had that encounter, I began to write each chapter with the generation. You know, I actually was, this is a true story, like I would I would write thinking about my great, great grand kid picking up this book his great grandfather wrote and and gleaning from this is what my grandfather thought about us, and about this generation. And and so I’ve continued to do that. Of course, I dedicated that specific book to them. But every book I’ve written since then, I’m like, okay, imagine watching from heaven your great, great, great grandkids reading their great grandfather’s book and learning the, you know, and learning and gleaning from the revelation that he had. So, that’s just one of the things that feels so necessary.

Jeff Zaugg: [00:15:16] I know your father passed away, drowned when you were three. Is that right?

Kris Vallotton: [00:15:21] Yeah.

Jeff Zaugg: [00:15:22] Yeah. And thinking through your explanation of the fathers that God has gifted you, I believe Art, Bill and Bill. Yeah. Would you just talk us through? Maybe it’s the shorter version, but like, how you longed for and you still missed your dad. I miss my dad. He’s he’s been in heaven almost three years now. The gift of spiritual fathers and just how that’s played into your story.

Kris Vallotton: [00:15:50] Yeah. I miss my dad every day. I’m 67. I’ve been without my dad for 64 years and anytime something amazing happen, I think, I wish my dad was here. He would be so proud. And anytime something hard happens, I think I have this childhood thing that my dad would know what to do. So, but you know when I got saved, I got saved in this group and Kathy was with me, I was 18, she was 15. And, you know, I had two stepfathers who were, you know, they were just they were very violent men, but, you know, they were they were lost. They didn’t like me, but they didn’t like themselves, to be honest, you know, at the time I didn’t realize that, of course, I was too young to understand the dynamic that was happening. But they were not, they weren’t they were not only not good fathers, they just weren’t fathers. So when I was 18, we were in this really powerful youth group. We we got invited the first night and they we were still we weren’t Christians and well, 110 kids, 120 kids packed in this house singing, Hallelujah. And as they sang, different ones got up, you know, these were these were all hippies, they were all we were the only two kids in that group that weren’t former drug addicts. So they would stand up and say, you know, Jesus healed me from epilepsy. Jesus, you know, someone else stood up, said Jesus healed my cancer, Jesus delivered me from heroine. And I’d had an encounter, three years before that where God, I said out loud, My mother was very, very sick with, she had psoriasis all over her entire body. And I wasn’t raised to believe in God. I was raised to not believe in God. There was I was just kind of raised in an immoral home and I said out loud, at that one night, if there’s a God, if you heal my mother, I’ll find out who you are and I’ll serve You the rest of my life in an audible voice that my name is Jesus Christ, and you have it requested. And the next morning, my mother was my mother was completely well. The psoriasis that covered her body was gone. And then a week later, the voice came back and said, My name is Jesus Christ. You said, If I healed your mother, you would serve me and I’m waiting. So that put me on a three year journey and I ended up in this house. And so the young man that was leading this, you know, just with the guitar at the end of the worship, you know, he said, I should say this part, like I realized when I was going from church to church for three years, trying to find the voice that spoke to me. I would say the voice, the God who spoke to me isn’t here. Then I ended up in this meeting and people are standing up saying, Jesus healed me, Jesus delivered me form heroine, Jesus. I’m like, Well, that’s the God who spoke to me. So he the young man that was leading it with the guitar after in the worship, he says, Anyone want to receive Jesus? And of course, I, of course raise my hand and my girlfriend, now wife, raised her hand. He led us in a simple prayer, which actually had prayed three times before, nothing changed. Nothing changed in my life. And so after the meeting was all over again, you know, 100 kids packed in this house, We were sitting on the floor. Came over to sit down on the floor with us. And he said, you know, he explained the gospel super simple terms, I couldn’t read, I’d never read the Bible. And he said, you know, you’re you’re born again. He read a couple of scriptures about being born again and you’re like a little baby. And he said you need a Dad. And that was like, I mean, it’ so resonated with me, of course, because I’ve been looking for my whole life. And then he brought over two young men, I was 18, they were probably 22, 23. So four years, five years older than me. And he said, Which one of these men do you want to be, your dad? I just honestly picked the better looking one, his name was Art Kipperman, and he became my and Kathy’s spiritual father. And he was our spiritual father for the first several years of our life. And that man absolutely, absolutely changed my life. And from that day forward, we we never turned around. We got married two years later. Art got married the next year, and his wife was also named Kathy. We went to their house every Friday for four years, probably. And Art was very boring. He couldn’t, you know, he he, he he was, yeah, he was not exciting person, but he had love just oozed out of him. And then a few years later, we moved and I was very desperate for a spiritual father because I was in a big crisis and I was asking every day for a year, Lord, I had to have a spiritual Father, you know, because you don’t know what you’re missing until you’ve had it before, Right? And then I was underneath this Jeep working at a repair shop, and the Lord said, The man who owns this Jeep will be your father. And I’d never met him before. I didn’t even know if he’s a Christian. When he came in to pick up his Jeep, I followed him out to his jeep and made small talk and he got in his jeep and I’m like, Oh my gosh, he’s going to leave and I’m never going to see him again. And I was like, you know, I was like a freaking orphan standing by the window, like, choose me, choose me. And he started up his jeep and I pounded on the window, and he rolled down the window and I was crying and I said, you know, I was underneath your Jeep and the Lord said to me, The man who owns this Jeep would be your father, are you a Christian? Turned off his jeep and opened the door and says, Yes, I am, I would be glad to be your father. He put his arms around me, his name was Bill Derryberry, he was 20 years my senior. I buried him two years ago and, you know, and then Bill Johnson, of course, is the spiritual father, but he knows I have. And so I’ve had the most wonderful, amazing spiritual fathers that anyone could ever want. And they changed my view of fatherhood, of humanity, of the church, of the Heavenly Father, and none of them were perfect fathers, but they were all loving, you know, Bill Johnson’s still alive. He’s just an amazing father to me.

Jeff Zaugg: [00:22:18] Kris, what would you suggest for myself, the other dads listening that like I want that, I want God’s voice to just say, this is the person, you’re under the Jeep or like just bring clarity, but also like preparedness for, like, what do I need to do to prepare to go ask someone or to have that kind of a spiritual son or spiritual father? What what can we do to move towards that?

Kris Vallotton: [00:22:40] Well, I think, you know, being a being a son and not an orphan, because I don’t think orphans attract fathers. I think orphans attract institutions. But I think that I think sons attract fathers. And, you know, my case was, you know, I mean, my first spiritual father was given to me, my second spiritual father, i, you know, I asked for and got. And, you know, every time I tell the story with our students, they come up in lines like, how do I find spiritual father? Would you be my spiritual father? Like, No, you would be an orphan if I was your spiritual father. But I think that, you know, being a son and and learning how to be a son, learning how to be teachable, humble, how do, you know, how to be a joy, how to be a joy to Father. Because we have a generation, honestly, right now that’s been raised, you know, basically by their machines and Internet. You know, they know they know their fantasy football team better than they know their reality God and the reality father. So, you know, we’re in a generation that honestly, I don’t I don’t know if I like I don’t know if we naturally know how to be sons and daughters because we’ve been kind of raised in this global orphanage of even if we have dads and moms, we’re often disconnected, live in our bedroom and live on the Internet. So and I think that looks like honestly learning how to be led. You know, we are as you know, I wrote the book Uprising, we are the most fathers generation in the history of the world, which our fathers are alive, not home. And that is an indictment against a generation. And it’s not the children’s fault, but they are the side effects of what’s happening to this generation. I mean, look at it, your father is the one who gives you your identity. You know, your father is the one who actually gives you your identity. Think about it, it’s his sperm that determines whether you’re a male or female. You take on you know, when you get married, you take on the last name of the husband, typically in every culture, it is a prophetic act of identity. And when your father’s missing or not available, what happens is that you don’t know who you are because your dad’s the one who’s primarily, obviously, mom has a role, a complete role, but dad is the primary primary identifier of his children. So you got you got it’s not by chance that we have people that, you know, children that don’t know what sex they are. I mean, that’s that shouldn’t, if you looked at the statistics of fatherlessness, you would not, and understood the role of fathering, you would not be surprised by the side effects that we’re seeing in culture. And when you don’t have a father at home, for a man, he becomes violent. And for women, they they they they grow up in homes where they don’t actually know how to relate to the masculine side, I’ll say masculine side of God, because we were created an image of God. As women, we created in the image of God also. And so we have these words around toxic masculinity. And it’s and this, and so to answer that question, that was the long route, but answer the question is I have to I have to understand that, you know, I’m as a son, I am here to receive, I’m here to be led, I’m here to be directed and corrected, exhorted and comforted. You know, fathers, they they provide, promote and protect. And I have to figure out how to actually receive that role as a son. And I think as we do that, I think magnetically we attract fathers.

Jeff Zaugg: [00:26:34] I, over the last two days, this is this is not common usually I do a heavy skim, if you’re watching on YouTube, you can see I’m holding up the book, Uprising. I read every word of this book in the last two days. I deep, deep dove. It was it was a heavy and a hopeful read. And Kris and I I’ve read, you know, a lot of material in the area of fatherhood and helping with fatherlessness, I’m like devouring. And I am so thankful. I’m so thankful for you giving everything that you are and all your boldness and courage. And like you speak strongly in this book. I want to I want to zoom in, though, on something that you said about Art, your spiritual father, and you chose him because he was better looking, right? Is that what you said?

Kris Vallotton: [00:27:20] Shows how spiritual I was. Right? 

Jeff Zaugg: [00:27:22] Yeah. Look at the gift God gave you, though, and you said that he oozed love. And I think if I, I can mess up in a lot of areas with my four little girls, but if I use love.

Kris Vallotton: [00:27:32] Yes.

Jeff Zaugg: [00:27:33] So can I just want to read a couple sentences that you wrote in your book. You said to the topic of just being loving. You said Husbands and fathers are the torch that is always burning in the midst of the family’s front room. Husbands and fathers are tasked with the tending to the eternal flame that warms the hearts of all those given into their care. Then jumped down just a little bit, it said, It’s the responsibility of the husband and father to steward the family flames so that in the unlikely event that the torch of another family member flames out, it might be reignited by the chief lover, the keeper of the fire, the father of the family. Would you just go into your heart behind those sentences?

Kris Vallotton: [00:28:15] That warms my heart when you read my book to me. Yeah, I mean, I think that that really typifies, Art’s relationship with me, and he taught me how to love. Bill Derryberry, my second spiritual father, he taught me discipline. Art taught me how to love. Bill taught me what the Father, Bill Johnson, taught me about the Father. And I think that when we become the chief lover of our home, in our family, that when one of our family, whether it be our wives, or our children, grow cold and they’re in that that place of ice castle, shut down, I don’t know that words make a lot of difference. You know, there is the famous quote, Robin Williams, he said, you don’t always remember what someone said, but you always remember the way they made you feel. And I think that when each of our children and our wives, when we walk in the room and they feel the presence of adoration, care, protection, interest, it’s hard to not want that around. And I think that’s our responsibility. And when my, you know, we’re empty nesters for a long time now, but my grandkids live just down the street and lots of them do, and they’re 12 of them now. They’re over all the time where they stopped by to grab something that grandma made in the refrigerator, which she’s always making their favorite food and stashing it for them so that there’s you know, she draws them through sugar. And when they come in the house, whether their for 15 minutes to grab some a refrigerator that grandma made them, whether their to have a serious talk about life and problems. I mean, I try, Kathy does to, make them feel like they’re the most important thing that’s ever happened to me. And I just think that love never fails. Love never fails. And I, I have a couple, two or three grandkids that in my mind are not, like, they need life adjustments. And sometimes I rush to the adjustment and but almost always never works until they ask.

Jeff Zaugg: [00:31:00] Yeah.

Kris Vallotton: [00:31:01] But in the middle of that season of missed adjustment, I know that they can’t leave this father because they know that they know that they are loved no matter their condition. And I think that’s the best thing that I can do for them.

Jeff Zaugg: [00:31:24] Thank you. Your second spiritual father, Bill, with the Jeep. You said discipline is what he taught you and that you called out disciplining the attitude instead of disciplining the action, and that the attitudes long before, long before he can focus on the attitude, before the action. I mess this up like daily with my little girls. Could you explain what you mean by that?

Kris Vallotton: [00:31:50] Well, I mean, once once your attitude becomes an action, like, you know, kid wakes up in a bad mood and, you know, pretty soon you let that go and pretty soon they’re tormenting their brothers and sisters. And then you’re like, Did you hit your brother? And you know where that goes. Did you, I didn’t say, he hit me first, you know, it’s like, but the challenge there is, is that long before there was an action, there was an attitude. And what we’re teaching our children is how to manage their inner world so that it doesn’t happen and so that they don’t have destructive actions or words, whatever. And so I think that I think that when we point out to them, depending on their age, like Jason was a great example because he woke up most every morning and he probably stayed up all night and didn’t want to wake up, but he woke up most every morning in a bad mood and, you know, into his early teens. And I would say to him, you know, we had two bathrooms, the girls pretty much dominated the upstairs one, so he’d be downstairs getting ready. And he’d be like, errrr, And I don’t want this, I don’t want to eat breakfast, I don’t, I don’t want to eat that, you know. And this is our kind of pretty daily routine, and I would walk in the kitchen and say, or in the bathroom, wherever he was and say, Dude, let me ask you a question. Are you going to change your attitude or am I going to have to help you with that? And he’d look at me and I’d say, So I’m going to give you a couple of minutes to change your attitude. And if you don’t, then you and I are going to have a conversation. And, you know, inevitably he’d pop out of it. But what he was learning is how to change his attitude from the inside out. And, you know, sometimes we get lazy as parents because come on, raising raising a family 24/7, you know, and you see somebody one of the one of the kids has an attitude and you’re like, I don’t even have time for that right now. But the deal is an hour later, you’re you’re in the middle of a mess because of their actions. And you’re like, I wish I just would stopped what I was doing and just go, you know, worked on that, Right? The other thing I’ll say is, is that, you know, again, raising kids is tough. I watch moms, a lot of moms, you know, be in the store with three kids and, you know, I mean, they’re my heroes. Like, huh, I wouldn’t even think about going to the store with three little kids. But I watched this mom, you know, this is common and I’ve seen it many times, but, you know, Johnny’s in the in a grocery cart. He’s he’s you know, he’s like one and a half or two, he’s pulling things, he wants ice cream, he wants, pulling things off, while Mom’s got two little ones that are walking with her and she’s trying to navigate his screaming and they’re, you know, and plus shop and, you know, and he’s like, I want ice cream. And she tell him no. And then finally he screams and he throws such a huge fit and she’s embarrassed because the stores, everybody in the store can hear her and she gives him an ice cream. And I’m like, oh, oh, my goodness. I don’t think she knows what she just taught that boy. And let me say this No judgment, I probably would have given him five ice creams way before that. But but what she just taught him is that, if you throw a big enough fit, you will have instant gratification. And the challenge is, is she taught him a couple of things, one, she taught him how God response to a fit, and I want to say He does not. And secondly, she doesn’t understand that she’s teaching him how to manage his gratifications, not just his want for an ice cream. So when he, you know, hits 13, 14, 15, and he has this massive sex drive with a most you know, with, you know, his frontal lobe of his brain isn’t even developed yet, so his cause and effect part of him isn’t even alive yet. And he has the least amount of experience for wisdom in his life while he has the highest level sex drive he will ever have in his life. And what he learned at one and a half from his mother is that I was born to gratify this drive of mine as often as necessary. But when mama goes, you know, you know, wait to your daddy, wait to your daddy gets home. Listen, I want ice cream, she’s like you’re not getting ice cream, but when your daddy gets home, you may, I don’t know if you can say spankings anymore these days, but, you know, what little Johnny learns is not only did he not get ice cream when he asked for it, but because of the way he behaved, he got something else when he got home. Now, when he gets older, he realizes that life isn’t about gratifying every desire you have, the moment you have it. And he’s learning something at, you know, one, two, three and four and five that are essential to the foundation of his managing his inner world. And I think that if we can understand, I’m talking about moms and dads, like you who have little kids and who is 24/7 and they freaking wear you out and there’s you can’t there’s no one to tap to tap in and go you take this you know a lot of the time, if you but if you could understand what it is you’re doing, like what it is, you’re like this thing you’re teaching him has huge consequences in his life. And I’ll say, girls and guys, this is a girl and guy thing, right? And so, you know, sometimes we get lazy because we don’t realize that this pain we’re going through with this kid has a purpose and us holding the line is eternally important for the life of this kid right now. And these are things that are, you know, they’re they’re easy for me right now because I can, hey, here’s your kid, you had this kid, you know I didn’t, so here it is. But, you know, I know it’s tough because we had four kids, we have four kids and we have 12 grandkids. But we have to hold the line. We have to teach them how to manage their inner world.

Jeff Zaugg: [00:38:44] Kris, you are reading my mail of what my wife and I are struggling with. So, thank you. It’s so like, it’s so good to hear with decisive, like, don’t do that. I’ve only, of course, gotten to about 10% of the questions I prepare, but the good news is I can send all of our dads to go read your book, Uprising. So thank you for writing this book. I’ll make sure it’s in the in the show notes and the links for all the guys. Could you say a short prayer over all of us?

Kris Vallotton: [00:39:10] Yea. Lord, thank you for this for all of these women and men who will watch this podcast live and and who will watch it later when it’s podcasted. And Lord, I pray that you would give them patience, wisdom, love and that they would be great mothers and great fathers and Lord, that we would break this generational curse and this, this Malachi mandate that you said in the last days I’ll send Elijah, the prophet, he’s going to turn the hearts of fathers to sons and daughters, the hearts of sons and daughters to fathers. Lord, we say bring on the reunion. Bring on the reunion, Lord. We are ready for this reunion. We are ready to see a broken world that has immoral, that’s become an immoral cesspool, become a righteous place. Lord, we pray that you would make the crooked places straight, the rough places smooth and Lord, that you would bring a beauty out of the ashes of our world and out of our own homes, even. Give us strength, give us wisdom, Lord, guide us by the Holy Spirit on how to raise our own children. And Lord, I pray that you’d break shame off of us for the places that we have all failed, and that you would bring redemption even to our weakest places. In Jesus name, Amen.

Jeff Zaugg: [00:40:28] Thank you so much for joining us for episode 262 with Kris Vallotton. All the conversation notes are going to be at dadAWESOME.org/262. Guys, pick up a copy of his book, Uprising. This book is phenomenal. It’s going to stoke up this fire within you to, to bring God’s love to your kids, but it’s also going to give you an expanded framework on, man, this is the crisis that our culture is experiencing when it comes to fatherlessness and we just need more, we need more fire, we need more of our passion in this area to make and bring change to the the hurting world around us. So, so thankful you guys listened today. Guys, thank you for choosing to be dadAWESOME for your families. I’m praying for you guys. Have a great week with your kids.