Episode 269 Transcript (Danny Silk: Part 2)

Episode 269 ( Danny Silk: Part 2)

Podcast Intro: [00:00:01] Being a great father takes a massive amount of courage. Instead of being an amazing leader and a decent dad, I want to be an amazing dad and a decent leader. The oldest dad in the world gave you this assignment, which means you must be ready for it. As a dad, I get on my knees and I fight for my kids. Let us be those dads who stop the generational pass down of trauma. I want encounters with God where He teaches me what to do with my kids. I know I’m going to be an awesome dad because I’m going to give it my all.

Jeff Zaugg: [00:00:39] Hey guys, welcome back to dadAWESOME. Today, on episode 269, we have Danny Silk part two. So last week was the set up, episode 268, hit pause now, if you missed the first half of this conversation with Danny Silk. Hit pause, jump back to episode 268. But today we go deeper and even more practical with Danny Silk, 269. Guys, this is about a 22 minute part to the conversation. Again, like last week, I just emphasized there’s so much here, so much here that I was like, Oh my goodness, this is for me. This is not for all all the other dads at dadAWESOME this is for me, Jeff Zaugg needs this. Danny’s passion centers around helping people build and strengthen and heal their vital relationships. Guys, that’s what he’s doing. He’s giving us tools to build and strengthen and heal our relationships with our kids and and protect them from having pain from from us as dads. So lean in today, this is episode 269, the second half of my conversation with Danny Silk. The short term thinking, the quantifiable thinking, especially with little ones, is, well, I’m I’m taller, have a louder voice, I’m stronger, I can move in and get short term results through control. And but the long term is what I want and and all. So that’s where I think the drift is control, but I want heart connection, I want relationship. I want them to to have freedom, to make decisions that I can kind of like, but it’s amazing how often I default back. Like I can give examples in the last few days that I’m like, Oh no, what’s on the other side? Can you give a couple examples either from your grandkids of like, you’re just like, Man, my daughter and son in law are doing this well, like an example on the home front now or or back, you know, go back a couple of decades and share an example of you and Sheri, that this worked in choosing heart connection instead of behavior control?

Danny Silk: [00:02:52] Well, I watch Ben and Britt, they, they’re doing a better job than I did, you know, and and their family’s culture. I mean, they have three children, 17, 13 and 10 and there is no sibling rivalry. There, there is no disrespect exchanged between each other. And I can see it, I mean, it looks this big to other people. I can see it when somebody is snarky or somebody is short or somebody is not paying attention, It’s it’s this noticeable to outside people. Inside, it’s like, whoa, whoa, what’s happening? And that’s culture, because respect, responsibility and connection this important, you know, it’s it’s a 10 in this family. So the way we we talk to each other, the way we address address a mistake, that this hurt other people or scared other people, the way we clean up our messes, the the response time to I need your help, to here I am, all that stuff has come from I do not want to injure my relationship with you. I will manage myself to protect my heart to heart connection with you. That is instilled throughout since they were toddlers, I mean it toddler years were just so intense around protecting the connection, empowering the child, inviting them into being powerful in their relationship. So, I mean, the stories are are stacked up but the the momentum that I, because the grandfather I I haven’t been a parent in 15 years, right. Grandparenting is, I’m 99.9% of the time, I’m the good guy. I’m the good guy, if I ever see a note coming, I go, Oh, honey, you’re going to have to ask your mommy.

Jeff Zaugg: [00:05:23] Just right that way. Now to go, another practical example that I did read about is is with your boys years ago, and this might be 20 years, I’m sure, as longer in that if they’re in their thirties now. Room time, the story of freedom and choice with room time. Can you share a little bit of that set up in the decision you gave them.

Danny Silk: [00:05:42] Right. Yeah. Room time is the classic bedtime hustle. Ya know, it’s bedtime, kids don’t want to go to bed, parents want some parent time, so this is like, Please have mercy on me and go to bed and and stay there and require nothing from me. And so parents, they they do one of two things. They give away all their evening time trying to put the kids to bed or they bust the connection with the kids being, ya know, a monster, getting what they want, and then they’re like, I hate bedtime. I hate bedtime. So it’s it’s about really saying, you know, it’s it’s room time. It’s it’s not bedtime, it’s room time, which means I don’t want to see ya and I don’t wanna hear ya until in the morning. And the kids like, I don’t really understand what that means. Well, the way it plays out is they go to bed, one of them comes out because they got to test it, they’re like, I’m the I’m the the senator from the state of bedroom and I was sent here to ask about what happens if we don’t stay in there. And I’d say, Oh, are you tired or do you want to or do you want to go to bed? They’d say, Oh I’m not tired, so I’d say okay, come here. And now I have a set of chores that I need done. You know maybe the back porch needs to be swept off all the leaves or the garage needs to be swept out or, you know, the dishes or something, I’ve got something. And, you know, I’ll put you to work doing until you answer, you wanna go to bed or are you tired or do you want something else to do? And they say, I’m tired, I’m tired. I have hit the end of free labor for you in the evening. I’m going to go kick it on my bed. That’s what I’m going to do. You’re crazy. Any time I come out in your space, you take full advantage of free labor. This is nuts. I’m choosing my room. Right. So you better video that, because if you don’t, you’re going to miss it because your kids are so smart. The next time they come out, the next time they’re in there, making a ruckus. And you said, Hey, you guys tired? Or do you need something to do? We’re tired. And it’s over.

Jeff Zaugg: [00:08:27] It’s such a simple example of a choice and clear follow through. And and you’re asking questions, not punishing for their actions. You’re asking and inviting them to to step into the choice they made of, I’m going to stay awake, so I’m going to do chores.

Danny Silk: [00:08:44] And this is the whole heart behind empowering your child. Empower, empower, empower instead of attempt to control, attempt to control, attempt to control.

Jeff Zaugg: [00:08:54] Yeah. And I used the word punish a moment ago. The the course that you released in the released the book as well, Unpunishable. Did I get that right?

Danny Silk: [00:09:04] Yes.

Jeff Zaugg: [00:09:04] What’s the heartbeat behind that, that body of work? 

Danny Silk: [00:09:09] Um, it’s very much the idea that God is more interested in a connection to a son or daughter, you know, protecting the the opportunity, the you know, the whole purpose of the New Covenant is that connection. That’s what it’s for. That’s, that’s the goal. The goal is access to my Father. So I have to decide, do I come into the presence of a loving father who wants to reconnect with me through repentance? Or do I come into the presence of a judge who sees a criminal? And I think that is the thing that has to settle in our hearts as believers is there’s two completely different experiences, expectations and approaches. I’m running into the presence of my father that wants to, healing my heart to give me peace and joy and longs for my return. And I am looking for a place to hide from the judge. And they’ll have to drag me in in handcuffs to receive my sentence. You know, it’s two completely different realities and it only transitions through the blood of Jesus. It only transitions through the revelation of the Father. Everyone else sees God as a judge, everyone else. The only way that you can see the father is you are born again into a new covenant. That’s it. It’s the only way it happens.

Jeff Zaugg: [00:11:13] And that that actually brings up this question of how are you experiencing me? For me to ask my daughters that question, my wife, that question, because they’ll answer it, I’m I’m operating with a controlling and judging if that’s the kind of dad and husband I am. But that’s me inviting a feedback loop. And we’d love to hear your, your heart around families who create feedback loops.

Danny Silk: [00:11:38] Right. Well, this is back to empowering, because people that are trapped in a tyranny, it’s one way communication. Ya know, there’s one person, one power source, and everyone else is under the command or in the threat of punishment, that’s that’s the culture. Tyranny is we bark out commands, you obey or suffer the consequence. But when you actually empower people and honor people and a culture of honor is two powerful people, in a relationship, working out the needs of each other and the needs of the situation or the environment. So powerful people, this is when Jesus gives you a spirit of power, he doesn’t expect you to not use it. So you’ve been empowered in your relationship with Jesus to show up, to talk, to give them feedback, to complain, to to be transparent, to be responsible, to be accountable, to have ideas, to have dreams. You are fully empowered in your relationship with Jesus. That is the model of a leader, that is a model of a parent, that is a model of a father, a husband, a man, a woman, a mother daughter. It is the model, being Christ like, is can I create that condition for the people around me? Like, well, this is only going to happen when you can tell me how you’re experiencing me. If my wife and I are driving down the road, it’s always a shock to me, it’s always stunning to me the difference that she has for me of my driving. We’re in a car together and she thinks we’re going to die. And I think we’re having the time of our lives. You know, these are racetracks right here. I have, I love I got a couple of race cars. I love to get out there and I’m just like “woohoo, it’s fun.” Okay, if she can’t express to me how she’s experiencing me in that moment with the expectation of being powerful, which means I will adjust to protect our connection rather than I will fight for my right to drive however I want, whenever I want.

Jeff Zaugg: [00:14:24] Sure. Yep. 

Danny Silk: [00:14:24] So if driving creates a disconnect in our relationship and I prioritize driving, then I am stupid. And I’m going to pay the consequences of being this stupid man. Or my driving creates a disconnect, my wife tells me she’s scared and I adjust and she feels protected by me. Then I’m a smart man and I will receive the reward of being a smart man.

Jeff Zaugg: [00:15:04] So helpful. And I was curious, those watching on YouTube can see these tracks in the back. I was like what are those pieces of art on the wall? Those are race tracks. Very cool.

Danny Silk: [00:15:14] Those are race tracks. Yeah.

Jeff Zaugg: [00:15:24] Yeah, that’s all right. Well, I wanted to ask maybe to land our time together here, just around men, and if you, I know you fly around the country, around the world, investing leaders, marriages, organizations in this area of relationships. And if you had some men around a campfire and you were just like, I’ve only got a few moments to share, this is what God has been stoking up on your heart to like, speak to the hearts of men. What are a few of those things you’d be like, I want I would want to share this with them, to invite and challenge them?

Danny Silk: [00:16:02] You know, I would primary listen. Because I always, I’m always curious to the the fight that a man is in because they’re all different, you know, they’re not the same. Um, I have a book coming out soon, it’s called Dragon Slayers, but it’s it’s really about the Seven Dragons in a man’s life. And there’s all these different areas where we end up in the fight of our lives to, you know, to to remember am I my son or am I a criminal? You know, I got to sort that out again and again and again. And and Adam, where are you? Well I’m naked and afraid. Well, where did you learn that? You didn’t learn that from me. Oh, I’m deceived in who you are. Oh. Oh, that’ll happen 100% of the time. You know, a man and himself think, Oh, we know ourselves so, so harshly. You know, we don’t get away with anything. We lie and we imitate and we posture and we deny. But we can’t get away from the truth that I know I did it, I know, I know I said it. I was there, too. And that’s I know the way I described it isn’t what happened. I just want to avoid being punished. You know, I don’t I’m inadequate, I’m all of these things that this man is fighting with himself about. Men and women, you know, either women in general. Porn has just slayed men in their role of protector because they are they know what they’re doing. They know that somebody’s daughter. They know that this is a a evil presentation of exploitation. Men know that there’s no you just have to sear your conscience again and again and again. And now you’re role a protector of women. You you’ve been disqualified. You are immoral. You have no moral authority. You don’t even believe yourself when you talk to you and you preach on Sunday morning, you don’t even believe yourself. You disqualified yourself in protecting women, let alone your wife, let alone your daughters, you know. So men and women, men and other men. Isolation, isolation around you just trap in yourself as master of the universe, being accountable to no other men. Because you don’t want to be controlled. You’re afraid of losing your freedoms. You’re afraid of someone taking something from you. Maybe your wife or your money or your time or whatever. And missing out on the covenant of of men and brothers. Men and machines, men got to figure out machines. It could be a computer, it could be a tractor, it could be a lawnmower, it could be that airplane, whatever. The idea that there’s something that stimulates masculinity when there is power and fire involved, men have got to figure this out and step into the challenge and not be afraid of, you know, loser. Men in nature, you get out in nature, you know, we’re we’re just getting trained in to comfort. But nature will both introduce discomfort and remind you how easy you are to kill. And you know, it it’s it’s it’s there’s a vulnerability there and there’s a trust in the Lord, and there’s a grandeur about creation that we have got to stay in touch with. And then men and provision, which is really men trying to figure out how to how to provide for his family, how to measure himself in society and contribute, how to master the mammon and not be mastered by mammon and on and on and on. So I would want to find out where that man is living and then just unleash the slain. 

Jeff Zaugg: [00:20:28] The slain, like in, like 4 minutes, your answer to that final question of what would you want to speak to the heart of a man you like dropped, we should do like a three part episode, a three part podcast, on just those or more. So we will champion and spread to our dadAWESOME community when your book drops. We’re going to make sure it gets in the hands, in the hearts of our community. So so we’ll be in touch on that as far as timeline. But you give us a nugget, you didn’t make us wait. So thank you for bringing your heart to to share and this is what I would share after listening, which is what a fatherhood principle there. Listen first and then come with deep passion and conviction, which is which is what you did. Before I have you say a short prayer over all of us, I can’t help but read a quick quote of something you said pretty recently. Maybe you’ve been saying it for a while, but it ties right back to self-control where we started the whole conversation. And you said this If you want to be a control freak, control your freaking self. Did I get it right? Is that right?

Danny Silk: [00:21:28] That’s yeah, that’s verbatim.

Jeff Zaugg: [00:21:30] So, I mean, the intent, we shouldn’t want to be a control freak, but if we want, like, that’s it. Take ownership. Control your freaking self. I need to hear that. And so would you say a short prayer or all of us dads?

Danny Silk: [00:21:42] Yes. Father, thank you for being such a great example of who we are to fashion our lives and replicate to our to our homes, to our society. And Lord, I do pray for just an outbreak of your spirit in our families, and that we would, in fact, run to you as dearly loved sons, that we would be the first to be impressed with your presence, with your love, with your character, that we would saturate in the the safety, the the protection, the provision, the love that that you give to us, Lord, that we could we could export to everyone that we cross paths with, but that the light that shines the farthest would shine the brightest at home. So, Lord, I do pray that you would turn up the light in our families. We would be lovers of truth, lovers of your presence, and we would be people who we could say, If you’ve seen me, you’ve seen my father. For your glory in Jesus name. Amen. 

Jeff Zaugg: [00:22:59] Thank you so much for joining us this week for episode 269, the second half of the conversation with Danny Silk. In the show notes, the conversation notes for this this week it’s at dadAWESOME.org/269. There are so many resources. There is so much that the ministry, Loving on Purpose, has created and built. And Danny Silk he resources you know, relationships, but also businesses he helps within businesses. So, if you’re a business owner, a business leader, there may even be application on that front. But let’s keep our focus first and foremost around being dadAWESOME and, man, he’s got some great tools, both of his podcasts that their ministry hosts, some great tools for you guys to continue to learn and grow. So make sure you go check out the show notes. Guys, thank you for listening this week. Thank you for leaning into this two part conversation with Danny Silk. I’m praying for you guys. I’m cheering for you guys. Let’s go have an amazing week with our kids. [00:22:59]