Episode 266 (Marquess Dennis)Podcast Intro: [00:00:02] Being a great father takes a massive amount of courage. Instead of being an amazing leader and a decent dad, I want to be an amazing dad and a decent leader. The oldest dad in the world gave you this assignment, which means you must be ready for it. As a dad, I get on my knees and I fight for my kids. Let us be those dads who stop the generational pass down of trauma. I want encounters with God where He teaches me what to do with my kids. I know I'm going to be an awesome dad because I'm gonna give it my all.Jeff Zaugg: [00:00:39] Gentlemen, welcome back to dadAWESOME. Today, episode 266, I have Marquess Dennis joining me from Tulsa, Oklahoma. I am so thankful for his willingness to hop on and share the work that he's doing with the Birthright Living Legacy Organization and even beyond. He shares his testimony, his back story, how so unlikely that he's going to be the one to step in to lead and help others in this area of being intentional dads. But that's exactly God's heart. He uses the person that you would never expect, and that's Marquess. And he just goes right after his story. He shares practically and I wanted this to release this week because just a couple of days from when this releases is our first Father's for the Fatherless event of 2023. We're doing an event in Jacksonville, Florida, a Spartan, a super Spartan obstacle course race. We do a 100 mile bike rides, we have a triathlon team, we now do obstacle course races, we've done trail runs in the past. So there's there's multiple ways to get involved. But, f4f, f4f.bike, is the main way to kind of learn about these events and registration is open for many of our events, this is our fifth year of now, it's almost $700,000 has been raised for the fatherless, for local and global causes. And and I just felt like this conversation today was very important as we kick off registration and kick off our year of Fathers for the Fatherless. So jump right in, this is my conversation, episode 266 with Marquess Dennis. You can just go big picture, this is what I'm on planet Earth for, this is what makes me burn with passion. What are what are a couple of those things?Marquess Dennis: [00:02:21] Well, it's, it's real simple, man, Malachi 4:6 is the thing. Helping to return the hearts of the fathers to the children and the hearts of the children back to the fathers, so that we can reverse this curse of utter destruction on the earth. That is what gets me excited. And to know that that's a thing. And it's crazy because I was I had this passion before I even knew that that was a verse. And so as I was doing, I was talking to one of my now mentors, he just said, Oh man, this is Malachi 4:6. And I was like, What? Like the last book and the last verse of the Old Testament. And he said, Open it up. And I opened it. And I was like, Oh, this is a thing.Jeff Zaugg: [00:03:11] So it was your thing first? Like, not first, but in your heart, your thing, your passion and calling. And then you realized it was God's thing and His voice.Marquess Dennis: [00:03:18] It was it was solidified then because I knew He had put it on me. But, you know, because I have three children outside of marriage, you know, I went about that all wrong. And it's it's it's it's quite possibly how every story in the Bible goes. He picks the most unlikely character to do a thing. But I see why that's so necessary, because you never forget who is making it happen, how He's bringing it in. And then, like you said earlier, when you see the opposition, you start to realize like, wow, you know, I've never played a game of basketball in my life, but I stepped out on the court and they put LeBron James on me. For what reason? Like, to me, I would think that is a waste of a player, but the enemy's like, nah you're going to ruin the game. And so it's like, yeah. And so to know that there's a team of us out there, you know, like what you're doing, what I'm doing, like it's all working together for the good. And so that's what really makes my heart just jump out and wake up every morning like, yes, we are getting the stomp on some things today.Jeff Zaugg: [00:04:29] Yes. And I talk about like feeling like an imposter at times because I am a dad who makes mistakes, who is like at times it feels like, man, where where's my intentionality here? Where I'm trying to encourage others like the imposter syndrome is real. But aren't we both thankful that God uses the the imperfect, the broken the guys for stumbling to to keep forging forward because the passion remains, even though I feel like I'm missing the mark many times. I want to go into your oldest three kids and just a little bit of your back story as a dad. But first, what's the Genesis story of the Birthright Living Legacy? So the the organization, I know you lead a couple organizations, but that organization, what's the Genesis story there?Marquess Dennis: [00:05:13] So the Genesis story there was I was in the knee deep in drug dealing at the time. I was a dad that was, you know, very absent. I you know, I kind of adopted this idea that maybe I'm like a turtle and I'm just supposed to let my kids grow up however they grow up. If I see you in the jet stream later, hey, it is what it is. Because the traumas that I have experienced in my lifetime through the way that I grew up, it just was a normal for dads to not be involved. So I thought, well, maybe I'm just different and I'm not supposed to be there. Well, one day I had my youngest son, he was three at the time and it was one of the super or not supervised visit, but one of the weekends that I got a chance to see him, it wasn't anything consistent, but I had to get him for this weekend. I got to have the opportunity to have him and I held him up in my condo at the time and I looked at him and I said, What would it be, I said, Wouldn't it be amazing if I could just be a dad all the time? Or like when she's not mad at me or when, you know, she's not dating someone or what, like what, wouldn't it be great if there was a way that I could see him and be a dad all the time, even if we don't live in the same house? And so at the time I didn't know that God sounded a lot like me. And so this voice says to me, Okay, well, what would that look like? And so I was like, you know, you know, you'd have to have a place like, you know, the dads could come and they could be able to, you know, do it, and it has to be a safe place. So you know that if if mom is accusing him of things that, you know, she could log in and there was cameras, you know, but the courts would have to be able to be, and so I just started developing this whole plan in this conversation, what I thought was with myself at the time. And then I started to realize later, oh, this is what you're doing. Okay. So that was the Genesis is just realizing that there's a lot of dads that exist, like me, that want to do better, but don't have any idea what that's supposed to look like. Because 20 unique fingerprints come together to create ten. And so when you are looking at I mean, and you know, when you have multiple children, what works for this child doesn't necessarily work for that child, doesn't necessarily work for that child. And that's why we say at Birthright Living Legacy is, you know, there is no manual. There are principles that work really well, but without community, with dads, there's no way of being able to share information because even though you have a daughter or son that may have gone through something like what my daughter or son is, they don't have the same upbringing, so it may not have the same results. But even though they didn't, there are some key things that I can take and go, I never thought of that, oh, my gosh, Thank you so much. And now I have a little bit more of my arsenal of dadom to be able to navigate those spaces. Because you're right, there is no there is no way to be able to say, hey, everything is going the same way and it's it's really important that dads know their value and what they bring to parenting. So through all that, that was the conversation that I started to have. I ended up going to prison and I was upset like, God, why would you send me to prison? And he said, Well, when else are you going to have 1,500 men to interview? And so I said, Oh, yeah? So I started interviewing men that were all in prison because it made it a controlled, it made it a controlled study, because all of the fruit had bared and we all ended up here. So I was like, What are the commonalities? So I started with this question of what was your favorite part about being your father's son? And through that question, I was able to start figuring out the pattern because I asked every guy that question, and if they vehemently refused with all kinds of cuss words and anger and resentment, I knew, Oh, you're here for violent crime, you're here for drug dealing. And they would be like, Well, how do you know? Because I know that response. And if they were like, Oh man, my dad was around, but he wasn't really, then now I know you're here for some sort of party drug, you're here for some sort of attention seeking thing, you're here for some kind of money grab. And then if you were like, Oh man, me and my dad were really great, we were awesome, He was a great dude and blah, blah, blah, blah. I know you're here for white collar or methamphetamine. And so...Jeff Zaugg: [00:09:54] Fascinating, so that these trends played out based on father relationship or how you felt about your dad.Marquess Dennis: [00:10:01] Exactly. And we still start our podcast to this day with that question and that's, that's where the the origin came from.Jeff Zaugg: [00:10:10] Fascinating. Now it's a Genesis moment with your son, what if I could be with him more or all the time? Then at that point, you were dealing drugs, you were incarcerated years after that, or was it like, what was the rough timeline to help us understand of this Genesis moment.Marquess Dennis: [00:10:26] So the Genesis happened in about 2011. He was three. I ended up getting incarcerated three years later, 2013, and then all the other stuff went on until about 2017. And then I made it home in 2017 and I brought all the things that I had, and I said, you know what, I'm going to put this in the closet and God, when I get rich, I'll do it one day. And He had a different plan. And He put me, you know, I ended up going to a church where they found out my story and they literally blasted it to the whole world. And we had T.D. Jakes come to visit and they played it again. And so I was like, okay, Lord, what is going on? And so He just, you know, encouraged me to live out loud because we are not able to fully live in what He has for us if we're ashamed of what He brought us through. And the words of our testimony is how the captives are set free. And if we are not willing to live out our testimony to say, Hey, this is what happened to me, this is where I was, and these were all the excuses I had to fail. But, but God, you know.Jeff Zaugg: [00:11:47] But God. Well, and the way you said like you're in jail for this season and like the explosion of like your story coming out and other voices of influence in your church. I mean, immediately I thought of Joseph, like the acceleration. I mean, that's just like jumped into my heart but the what it what did communication with your three kids when you were when you were in jail? How did how did that play out as far as being able to still be in touch or a dad while in prison?Marquess Dennis: [00:12:19] So there was a lot of letter writing, you know, a lot of Facebooking, you know, you're not supposed to have a cell phone, but I did. And so, you know, there's a lot of trying to reach out. There's a lot of regret. There's a lot of, oh, I wish I would've. And, you know, there's a lot of opportunities for you to make a lot of promises while you're sitting there doing the things. Luckily for me, a couple of years before that, me and my dad kind of connected on a different level. I met him when I was about 11 to 13, but we didn't start to connect until I was about 21. And so when I got to 21, he got to this, he got arrested for some other stuff that he was into. And I would go visit him and he would be promising the sunshine, the rainbows, the world, the catches of footballs. And when he got out, he went right back to what he was doing and I never heard from him. And so when I got in, when I got locked up, I was very conscious of that. And I remember that somebody had told me, be very careful of the promises you make. I want to say it was Dr. Stephen Covey. He said, be very sparingly, he said, you can say, hey, if there's time, we can do it. Hey, if I want you, but you if you promise, you better break hell on earth to make it happen. Because when you break the trust of your child, you're going to be held accountable for that, by them. So I made sure that I didn't promise anything and I wrote as many letters as I possibly could. Some were sent back, some were rejected, some were thrown away, you know, But I had to remain consistent in order for me to be able to say, hey, listen, I want to be there.Jeff Zaugg: [00:14:11] When you think back to dream in your heart of what if I could spend more time as a dad? What if I could, so a lot of the guys listening right now, they can, most of the dads listening right now, they can be with their kids full time. I mean, I shouldn't say most, but yeah, it's it's it's like having a a prison separation or having kids with with their moms are separate from you. Like, it's it's a lot of us we can and we still aren't. So how would you speak like from your experience to put your arm around me and say, hey, like, this is my encouragement and challenge because you can be with your your son or daughter more.Marquess Dennis: [00:14:56] And I'm going to be very, very tactful when I explain this. The one thing that you have to remember as a father is you also have to be the provider and a protector in most scenarios. So there's always going to be that, I try not to tell people balance that word just drives me crazy because there's just no such thing. There's seasons for things. Okay. And if you're in a busy season, especially if you're a entrepreneur that's in a building season, like it's almost impossible for you to be at home when you're trying to build, but what you can do in intention, you can say, hey, listen, I don't have you know, we can fill the Grand Canyon with stuff I don't have, but I can tell you what I do have, I got the next 10 minutes that I can lean in. Anything that you want to do. You want to watch TV, you want to talk to, do you want to whatever. Those moments of consistency to say, hey, you know, I'm going to put my phone down for the next 5 minutes, to us, that doesn't seem like much. It's like as a dad, you forget that when you're a kid and somebody gives you a $5 bill, you are ecstatic because that's more money than you probably have on a normal day. So think about that in currency of love, you spell love time. So if you're saying as a dad that I'm not being there, you are being seen. So men calculate relationship by shoulder to shoulder. You and I could sit in a room or sit in a garage and just not say anything, but we had a really great time. But when you're doing that with kids, they don't fully understand that because they're not fully developed in those processes yet. So you just have to be intentional. You just say, Hey, you're playing this game, son, can I sit down? I got 10 minutes I want to spend, I would love to watch you do this thing. You know what I mean? And let them let them talk to you. Let them do the thing. If your daughter is is is wanting to spend time with you, say, Hey, I don't have time at this moment, however, in about 20 minutes I will give you 5 minutes and then you can show me every doll that you, you know, play with or every coloring, you know, art that you've made and just be intentional. And then when you say it, let it be so.Jeff Zaugg: [00:17:21] Do it.Marquess Dennis: [00:17:21] That's it.Jeff Zaugg: [00:17:22] That's really helpful. Is that I would imagine as you look at the kind of building blocks or core things that you're handing to dads through Birthright Living Legacy, there's there's some some kind of foundational, these are the things we want to make sure to impart. Can you cover a few of the others, give us a fly over of some of the other kind of core things you're equipping dads with?Marquess Dennis: [00:17:42] The core things is that you're seen, you're heard, you're valuable, but you're also responsible. That is the core of what we are. Because it's it's a buzz thing to say that, oh, I'm seen, I'm heard, I'm valuable. Yeah, you are. However, you are responsible. Whether your family unit believes in the hierarchy of God or not, you better believe you are still responsible. The court systems will prove it. The the the way that the world works will prove it, you are still responsible. And most of the guys want to be the man in charge, they want to be head, they want to, they want to say, let's read this verse where it says submit. And they don't want to read the verses after that says, Well, you have to submit to because we're the first wives, you know, God said, we have to submit to Jesus. We have to say He's coming back for His bride. We are that bride. And if we are not good wives or good stewards of that relationship, how on earth can we expect others to honor it the same? And this is what I tell my fathers, because a lot of them are business owners and they don't get that. So I say, okay, you own a company, I go out, I rob or rape somebody on on the job. Whose fault is that? And they say, Well, mine. I say, okay, so if you're telling me that your wife is acting a certain way and your kids are acting a certain way, that is unacceptable to you, whose fault is that? What is it in your leadership that is causing that reaction? And that is the question that we pose to our dads, not what is she doing? That's easy. Anybody can prescribe how it affects someone else. But what is it in your leadership that is causing those sort of reaction? Is it mistrust? Is it, you know, inconsistency? Is it is it just because you're just untrustworthy? Like, what is it that's happening? The shift so often that they can't grab a hold of anything, you know, Are they afraid? Do you not provide? Are you just a talker? Or do you just complain? Is it everyone else's fault? You know, all of those things create a deep rooted issue for your children and for your spouses to have to overcome. And if they're, if they're an individual that believes in God and in that way, they are going to cower down so much more because they think that they are not supposed to call you to be the man that you're supposed to be. And most of us men, statistics wise, don't have wise counsel around us because we don't have friends as adults. So you don't have anyone holding you accountable other than you reading the Bible and trying to interpret it to to, you know, do your things. So for us, that's why our foundational are you're seen, you're heard, you're valuable, but you are also responsible. And what we do at Birthright as we celebrate and support dads does no way lower moms because both parents are intrinsically valuable to a child.Jeff Zaugg: [00:20:56] Yes. Let's go, let's go real practical. Your family, you and your wife with your your little, he's going to be two in July, you said, you guys have been married for how long? You and your wife.Marquess Dennis: [00:21:06] So we'll be three years in August.Jeff Zaugg: [00:21:09] Amazing. Amazing. So you have this incredible backdrop of experiences, hurts, pain, separation. You grew up single mom, right? Your dad was not at home.Marquess Dennis: [00:21:20] Right.Jeff Zaugg: [00:21:20] So the backdrop of intentionality and then passion, ministry that you started, organization you started, so then you get married almost three years ago and you got this little one at home. What are you guys doing now in this season? Which, of course, you're doing it imperfectly because so am I with my kids, right. But what are you like practically doing that brings in all this, this firehose of wisdom that you have gathered and learned and mentors that are speaking in and trial and error seasons. Like, what are some things you're practically saying, this is what we're doing as we raise our little almost two year old? Marquess Dennis: [00:21:54] So practically, we've created what we call a safe place in our home where my wife and I can call for a safe place moment. For me, it means I don't want you to reply to what I have to say. For her, it means you better reply to what I'm about to say. But what that does is as a safe place, I'm able to, she's able to fully express a thought, a feeling or an emotion, and then I am able to acknowledge it and then reply to it in a way where I am not trying to prove fault so much as understanding what that thought is. Now, why is that important? Because the intimacy level of your relationship with your spouse is going to directly dictate how parenting happens. And so, if you are not succinct with your partner, then everything becomes an issue. You know who's doing what? Are you giving a baby the bath? Are you, oh, you're, oh, you're, and it turns into chaos. Versus when she's seeing that she is being protected, her interests are being looked after, now she can be secure in who and what she's doing and same and vice versa, so that's one thing. Second thing is we have what we like to call our ideals and we discuss on any certain thing, hey, this is what I think, this is what you think, this is what we are going to do. I always tell people that being on the same page requires me to know what's on your page and you to know what's on my page and then we create a page. And so when we do any of the movements that we're doing as far as our son is concerned, we talk about a lot of the things way before time because it was really easy to be like, Well, this is what we want to raise kids like, this is what we want to do. I'll give you a practical example. My wife used to judge people when she would see them out at the restaurant and the kids with the devices in their hands and she would be like, That just burns me up, how are they going to, They're wasting all the data about bah bah bah. And now you have a one and a half year old that screams at the top of his lungs no matter where we're going, because he wants to be entertained. So we have to hand over said device. And I said, isn't it funny how a year or two ago you were just like, That is the wrong, that's so wrong. And now, so, for us, we give ourselves grace, but we also give grace to other parents by helping them. You know, when we see Dad's out doing a great job or moms out doing a great job, we go up and tell them, Hey, man, I love what you're doing. And it just encourages them. Like they're like, You see me? And it's like, Yeah, we see. And thank you. And so those are the kinds of things that we do. And so making sure that we're reading to our son, making sure that we're seeing to our son, making sure that he's being exposed to the Word and worship by going to church, being in community with the with the church, those things are important to us. Also, like being able to be intentional about, like I said, I, I run two organizations full time, so it's not a lot of time that I have to be able to do. But when I do, we're very specific about, okay, we're going to go to the park, we're going to do these things, I'm going to put my phone down, we're going to we're going to play for a little while. But we have those times to do that, you know. We have nights where I do the bathing, nights where she does the bathing, so that way we both get an interaction. Every morning I wake him up, except for times when I get to do things like this, but I wake him up in the morning, she puts him to bed every night. And so we just try to keep as consistent as possible. Like I said, we read a book every night just to make sure that he understands that his development and his ability to play and be able to rough and tumble with us and to be able to talk with us, even though his words don't make any sense, we entertain it and and we go, man. So those are some of the practical things that we're doing.Jeff Zaugg: [00:26:09] That's beautiful. And I my mind is just contrasting to back almost ten years ago, the conversation with you and your little guy, you know, when he was your youngest son. Now you've got another youngest son and just how you are, that your dream is happening with your next child. And and in so many ways, you do the best with what you can and you did the best with what you could. What is your relationship today look like with your with your older three?Marquess Dennis: [00:26:36] So the older three are not very good because they all have three different moms. And like I said, I come from the drug world. So they were kind of looked at as expendable ladies of of leisure, so to speak. And so when they, when they had children, it was with the intent that they were hopefully going to inspire me to want to stay with them, which was definitely not the case. So and they weren't they weren't exactly, you know, people that I was trying to be with anyway and just what they were convenience, is what I was after, at the time. And so, you know, through the hurt and the pain that I caused them, you know, they spewed that into the children that I had. And so my oldest, he didn't start to really connect to me until the George Floyd killing, because that was when he realized, Oh, wait, nobody in my household looks like me. And I was like, Well, yeah, welcome to be in a black man in America. And so we got a chance to really get close there. But then, you know, once that wore off, he didn't you know, we we're still trying to work on it because he is under the impression that I'm going to get him excited, love him, and then I'm going to leave and then get excited and love him and then leave. But he doesn't understand that process that he saw with his mother was because if I didn't pretend to be interested in her, she would not allow me to see him and I could only fake it for so long, and then I would leave her. And so I was trying to explain it to him. But it's hard for a child to understand when you're not a dad, oh, I would do anything. Yeah, it sounds good, but life happens. And then with my daughter, I never knew her at all. I was there when she was born. Her mom got really angry at me because I had another girlfriend at the time, and she just spewed venom as much as she possibly could. And my daughter, she only connects with me via money. If she's wanting money, she will then want to talk. If not, not interested. But, you know, I told her, I said, listen, I'm not a genie and I'm not going to try to earn your love. What I'm going to tell you is I'm going to be your dad and I'm going to love you no matter what, cause you're my daughter, you're intrinsically valuable, just as I am to you. And when you need a kidney, I'll still give it to you. I said, But what I'm not going to do is I'm not going to let you try to disrespect me to make you feel like that somehow has earned my right to be in your life. If you don't want me there, I won't be there. But what I'm not going to do is when I am there, you're not going to talk to me as if I'm your child, that is not. And so, you know, her having those boundaries with me was not her favorite, but she took a really great liking to my my wife. And so she and my wife spent a lot of time together and she got a chance to kind of see that the stories that she was being told weren't true. And so she's got to wrestle with that because as a child, loyalty is what you're after, you're trying to figure out, well, who's the person that's been most loyal? If I learn who my real dad is and I start to get that value from him, what does that mean for my step dad? The guy that I feel like has been here this whole time. And then for my youngest son, you know, we're kind of in the middle of of that right now. I have, I've just been able to clear all of my child support issues. So that is put us in a situation to where now we don't have money as a conduit to where the we get to see each other or not. And so here at Birthright Living Legacy, one of the things that we say is, is that you get your values from mom, which is your attitude, your beliefs, your ethics, your morals, but you get your value from dad, which is your worth, more more merit and importance. And if you leave the house without either one of those, it's going to cause you all of the hurts that come in the world as far as pornography, addiction, being able to be promiscuous and and, you know, obesity and suicide, all those things are connected back to fatherlessness. And so we are trying to even though I have to live it and this is why I live out loud and tell my story is because I let dads know, I would love to tell you that I have all the answers, but I don't. I'm just telling you what my experience has been and what I've had to do to intentionally reach up to other fathers that have been able to pour into my life as mentors. And then I get to pour out until my children get to the point where they're ready to come. It was so great to be able to look back and see the wedding pictures that I had because my kids said they were going to come and I left three seats right up front. And so when you look at my wedding photos, there's three, there's three seats that are empty, and it just has their names on it. And it hurt to see that they never came, but they will never be able to say there was no place for me. And that is where they need to understand that there's always a place for you with dad because I helped create you and I know the responsibility that I have to be there for you. I am like learning how to be more Christlike in that aspect of the Prodigal son that there's nothing you can do to make me not love you. There are some things that I can you can do to make me not have you in my house. But I will always love you.Jeff Zaugg: [00:32:13] Marquess, thank you for this time and your leadership and the countless families that are being impacted through and through your work. And I can't wait to stay in touch and keep learning more from you. And when the Zaugg RV and our family comes through Tulsa, Oklahoma area, we're coming. In fact, I want your little guy to meet my youngest. They can meet and play, so game on.Marquess Dennis: [00:32:35] We can't wait.Jeff Zaugg: [00:32:36] What would you say a short prayer for all the dads listening as we end our time?Marquess Dennis: [00:32:40] Dear Heavenly Father, thank you so much for the men and the families that are going to have the opportunity to be able to see this podcast. Let them hear the words that you have prepared for them. Lord, let them know that your heart is to know that they are well equipped to take care of any and all things that may come up. That You are the Father of provision, You are the Father of protection, You are the Father that is loving but stern. You are a Father that is able to hold us accountable, but at the same time have a warm and embracing hug. Lord, lift these fathers up so that they know that their position is at the head because you have called them to that, that they know that their position is to rule with a heart of a father, with the heart of a true leader, which is doing what is best for the family unit, Lord God. Let everything we do and say praise you as we continue to walk out and live out our days. We know that sometimes we are the only Bible that other people get to read. Let them see your sweet honey words as we live our lives. Let them notice our light, let it shine. Build these fathers up In Jesus name, Amen.Jeff Zaugg: [00:34:02] Thank you so much for joining us this week for episode 266 with Marquess Dennis. The show notes, the conversation links, links to his organization and what he's leading are all going to be at dadAWESOME.org/266. So you can get the information there, as I recommended earlier, encouraged you guys check out Fathers for the Fatherless, our missional initiative that engages men around doing hard things as small teams for a cause right at the center of God's heart. Helping with local and global fatherlessness, helping contribute and raise money for partners who serve directly and are changing the trajectory of lives of kids who don't have a dad on the home front. So guys, check out f4f.bike for those events. Guys, thank you for listening. Thank you for choosing to be a dadAWESOME, to lean in and to learn that I'm praying for you guys this week and I'm so thankful that you listened. Have an awesome week.