334 | Heroic Consistency, Getting Hungry for God, and Being a Safe Container for Grief (Bryan Byrd: Part 2)
Episode Description
Dads were never meant to take on fatherhood alone. In fact, Bryan Byrd argues that isolation is against God's will for your life. Instead, you'll need to connect with others and get hungry for the Holy Spirit. In this episode, Bryan offers encouragement to help you get started.
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Bryan Byrd is a husband and father to two sons from Boise, Idaho. He is passionate about equipping men to do hard things. He co-founded Wild Courage and continues to serve on the Board of Trustees.
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· Connection is God's will.
· Loneliness is a dangerous toxin.
· Healing happens when you have a safe place to take your grief.
· Get hungry for the Holy Spirit.
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Podcast Intro: [00:00:01] Being a great father takes a massive amount of courage. Instead of being an amazing leader and a decent dad, I want to be an amazing dad and a decent leader. The oldest dad in the world gave you this assignment, which means you must be ready for it. As a dad, I get on my knees and I fight for my kids. Let us be those dads who stop the generational pass down of trauma. I want encounters with God where He teaches me what to do with my kids. I know I'm going to be an awesome dad because I'm gonna give it my all.
Bryan Byrd: [00:00:39] I think if you're isolated, you're not in God's will. Connection is God's will. And it's not just with your wife and kids. And if you're not in community with other like hearted fellows, whether you like him or not, you're not in God's will.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:00:55] This is episode 334 of DadAwesome and it's Father's Day weekend that we're headed into. So let me be the first to say, guys, celebrating with you, grateful for you. Father's day weekend, oh my goodness, I hope that you feel the love from your family, from your kids. I hope that you experience some just great connection, some great time with them. But also we have the day after Father's Day is DadAwesome day. So Father's Day is way to go, way to go. DadAwesome day is a commitment day. It's saying game on. This year ahead, the first date of my fatherhood year, I'm going to take this year and say, what if I level up in this area and this area? What if I step in more with my whole heart? So let me be the first to say, you're invited to a short DadAwesome day gathering. We're going to host it digitally on Zoom at 7 p.m. Central Time Zone on the day after Father's Day. So check the show notes for the link to RSVP and to get to the Zoom link. It's going to be on all of our social media channels as well, but want to invite you guys in for this short gathering. It's a, there is a vision, mission and an invitation to join our prayer team, invitation to join our funding team, as a nonprofit, we're inviting our community to give to help support the mission. But man, it's also a, game on, I'm going to join and press in and declare, this is the year of being DadAwesome. So join us, DadAwesome day that, that Zoom gathering. Also, want to remind you guys, we're just about two weeks away from the deadline to apply to be a part of the Summer DadAwesome Accelerator group. So, June 26th is the deadline. I wanted you guys to hear from one of our first tents. We had this pilot group that ended a month ago. Tim Martin had this to say.
Tim Martin: [00:02:41] When you're interacting with a group of real guys, it definitely lets you know that you're not the only one out there, that you're not a single lone wolf, just listening to a podcast, that there are real other people. I would definitely recommend DadAwesome. It's a way to kind of call you up, a way to call you up in a safe place, with other real men for something that's just going to go way beyond us, when you think about the generational and maybe getting help to get to that next level. Again, thank you so much for what you did. I was truly honored to be part of this group, especially the first one.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:03:11] So as a short reminder, the DadAwesome Accelerator, there's ten guys only. It's a small group for six weeks. Guys saying I'm all in. I'm going to apply to be a part of this. I'm going to prayerfully set aside time to grow. We're going to read a book together. We're going to be reporting on how we're growing, how we're learning. Every week, there's about three hours of homework. Now the homework is one on ones with your kids, so it's connection time with your kids. But this is a serious commitment for six weeks, but, with big time results and we've seen it tested now with the first group. So, want to encourage you guys email awesome@dadawesome.org to get all the information and the application link. There's only ten spots available and we'd love for you guys to prayerfully apply. This is not for the stellar dads who have it all together. This is for all of us who want to grow. So it doesn't matter where you're at in the fatherhood journey, we really prayerfully want to see a mix of different age dads as far as season of fatherhood and a mix of like, man, I feel like this is a victory season. And no, I feel like this is a valley season. I'm really struggling. I need help. So we want, we want the whole mix a part of this group. So thanks for emailing awesome@dadawesome.org. Let's jump in, part two of my conversation with Bryan Byrd. Last week, was again, the set up and a bunch of application of like, man, I can grow from this. This week we're going much deeper and you guys are going to be so thankful if you listen today. So, buckle up. Here's episode 334, the second half of my conversation with Bryan Byrd. Inviting friends, though, into the journey, hey, this is an area that I really do want to do some relearning, some new discovery, maybe a new frontier, having the friends to to enter in. There's, I mean, I'm actually experiencing a new season of new friendships because our families moved here three months ago. But there's also a lot of guys listening that, this chapter of Dad Life is a, when they look at the different spheres of what's going well, what's not. Brotherhood and friendships is one that a lot of times guys will say, either it's not important in the season. They'll say, hey, no, actually, this season it's my kids activities and my job and my wife and these are the important things, this one can be set aside. I mean, sadly, leadership would be another one that I think some of the guys are saying, hey, taking the lead, being the servants, getting the, like, the small group going, the ministry going, being the catalysts to help other men. I'm going to let that pause to you. I'll do that later, when my kids are out of the house. How would you speak to the, on either of those two topics? The the dad who says either friendship isn't as valuable or taking the lead and being the guy who initiates change in my group of friends, like, if either of those were saying, now it's just not important in this season. What would you say to them?
Bryan Byrd: [00:06:04] Yeah. Let's start with the guy who is going to give up his leadership. You know, Morgan Snyder, good friend of ours, as well, always says this, take the seat, take the lowest seat at the table, when it comes to promotions, take the lowest seat until it's impossible not to be promoted. I've heard, I heard this ten years ago and I was pissed. I was like, what are you talking about? I'm supposed to go up on the right and lead and promote and and and be everything and earn all the money and all the power and and I heard that I'm like, that is not true. And then two years later, I said, oh, that's all true. And I think the guy that's going to give up his leadership, I think if it's, if he's walking with God and it's a season where he's taking a seat, the low seat at the table and he's waiting, he's waiting to be promoted until it's almost impossible not to. I think he probably, unless he's being lazy, he probably understands the cost of what promotion, wealth, leadership, what any type of promotion or advancement, there's always a un, an a, an unapparent cost to most people. And I'm hoping that guy that does that is aware the cost and he knows it's costing the ones that matter the most, too much. He decides this, No I'm not going to do it because I see the cost and it's costing me or I don't, I can't, I can't have that happen. The other side of that, so the leadership is, is rephrase for me.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:07:31] Yeah. So and then we'll go back to the brotherhood in the friend one as this whole second separate question. So, this leadership, what I see is there's men who are choosing instead of to be the spark that moves people in the direction that God's called them and others, are saying it's really a passivity or it's a, it's a like, no, I don't need to lead the charge there. I'll let somebody, I'll wait for somebody else to come along to start the fire, for example, or to gather men. That's the side I'm kind of looking for you to stir us up in.
Bryan Byrd: [00:07:59] Okay. I'm gonna, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna be bold. I don't, I don't think there's, I think if you're isolated, you're not in God's will. Connection is God's will. And it's not just with your wife and kids. And if you're not in community with other like hearted fellows, whether you like him or not, you're not in God's will. It's a little strong. Go look up the scriptures. If you want to rebuke me, go for it. But in my life, 47, three decades of community, I've suffered most isolated. I suffered most alone. I've, I've lost jobs alone. Together, Mike, Jeremy, if you're listening, Wild Courage is my current group that's, that's that's my boys. Curtis, Jason. I can keep naming. If I didn't name you, I'm sorry.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:08:53] Yeah, the circle.
Bryan Byrd: [00:08:55] The circle. I can get promoted. I can, I can advance, and I can do it in a way that's humble. And I got guys who are going to call me off the shelf, if I'm out of line. If I'm out of God's will, they're going to say, Bryan, are you doing this too much? Do you, what's going on? Are you treating your wife right? Are things good, are things good at home? There's instant accountability with all the things that are right and and, so if you're not in a fire, a group, I would just ask, how long can you go before burnout? Before failure? Before, I read this other day, loneliness is way more a toxin than, than fat, sugar, caffeine, alcohol, opioids. Loneliness is more dangerous than opioids, is what they're saying. So I'm going to ask, I'd ask the listeners, it's probably way more important than you think. If you're saying, oh, I'll do that sometime. Today matters and today matters. And, you know, we started fires like four years ago, in the middle of Covid, because our guys, our guys couldn't connect. Churches shut down. You wouldn't even slap high fives at church and say, God's good, even though they cut all that out. Even if you were faking it, it was like, sorry. We got together in a barn. Didn't know what the three of us, you know, four years later, we're like 250 fires in, and we're like, woah, this is really needed. And we're seeing guys being healed because they're in connection and community. And here's, Adam Young says this the best, he's like, when you're in, when you're in community, you're in a container for grief. And when you get real, real and guys have a safe place to take their grief, they can heal. If they stay alone, they cannot heal. And so if you want to get healed, if you're alone right now and you have a place to heal, you can't unless you get with other people.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:10:45] Whose job is it? Like? Like whose job is it to find that group of friends, that that fire, that group of brothers? Like if for anyone who's saying, well, I haven't been invited yet, like like I just want to I want to hear you even bring another level of strength of, like what, what's my role in this?
Bryan Byrd: [00:11:02] Everything. If you're, if you're, if you're blaming somebody else, you're codependent on somebody else's behavior, you're a powerful person or the king or the son you're called to be. Get out of the codependence. It's that simple. It'll ruin you. And it'll call you away from everything that God has and the message inside you to deliver. The codependence will short cut and short circuit everything you're made to be. So, it's your job. So, pull up, pull up your pants. It's game on.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:11:30] And this ties in with the phrase heroic consistency. We've talked in and out of some of these topics, but specifically this area of heroic consistency by being a guy that lives in a new place right now. I simply created a monthly, I'm doing this, I'm gathering dads, mostly in my living room. I created on Friday morning, hey, I'm gathering every Friday morning for workout. Like, I'm choosing to be consistent and invite people in. And there's, there's really some simplicity to like finding the brothers, but it takes a commitment of consistency versus a one shot, let's see if anybody comes to this fire. I'll just throw out some text messages, if it doesn't happen, well, I tried and I'll save it for somebody else. I want to hear a little bit more of like, what does it take to find and build, and what's it going to take for a guy to go from zero to I've got my three friends, I've got three guys who know my story.
Bryan Byrd: [00:12:18] It may take you showing up for 3 to 6 months by yourself.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:12:22] Yes.
Bryan Byrd: [00:12:23] And invite, and invite, and invite. And the reason that's important is, the guy who's not going to show up anyways, you really don't want him there. So keep inviting. Keep being a dripping faucet on him per se, in a good way. And and the right guys will show up. And it may not be your best friend forever, but for this season, it's going to be the guy. And that's okay. And just don't stop. And again, when you don't stop and you're consistent, all of a sudden you've bet on yourself. Because you're worthy enough, subconsciously, to invite somebody over and over again. And that rejection that you may have felt in the first time when they said, no, this if you keep going, you've kind of deflected this time and you're like, well, they're going to miss out because we're going to invite God in the house and He's going to show up and and we're going to invite him into a place that's going to be sensitive, and they're going to show up, and we're going to believe that there's going to be healing happen, and God's going to talk to us, and we're going to be sons.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:13:21] Yeah. And our kids, I mean, they benefit from a burning hunger in a dad. And this is another topic that we hit, the fun thing about this is we spent a whole hour before we hit record really going after. So I have to remember now what we talked about on mic and without. But you talked about the like, get hungry. Like there's something about, in the area of brotherhood, like a dad who has a burning fire for like I want to have, for my own sake, and for the sake of those other men, I want to have guys that are a part of my story. Our kids benefit greatly from that dad who's got a burning fire in that area. Our kids benefit from a dad who's had a burning fire for the Holy Spirit, for God's power to be at work within them, right. There's a bunch of other, a dad who's got a burning fire for, I'm going to be strong for my family. I'm going to be in shape. I'm going to work out. I'm going to be consistent. Like, we've talked about a lot of topics already. But I know this is true about you that like, no, get hungry, get hungry. Like like like don't, don't, don't coast. Don't have this idea that you've arrived in this area or that area. And it could be around providing finance, financially for your family. Get hungry, get that business launched, get hungry, get in the work, get in the weight room. I'd love for you to go into that topic a little more about just being hungry and having that fire.
Bryan Byrd: [00:14:28] You bet. I, someone said to me the other day, that you want to learn to make money, you want to learn to be successful. Empty your bank account, you'll learn how to make money because you, because you get hungry. You know, hungry because you got to feed your face. So, so get rid of it. I'm like, huh. But I think about it spiritually, it's like empty out all the programs you do, you're doing and back up for a minute, look at your becoming. How is it affecting you're becoming, meaning if you're in ten Bible studies, great. But, and you're doing a bunch of stuff. But are you spending time with God where you end up in union with Him, where it's an intimate relationship where you ask, He answers, He asks, you question, you answer, like it's possible. Like sheep do hear His voice and there's a union. It's integrated so tightly that He could be sitting at this table, we can hear. I've been around when you can smell the Holy Spirit sometimes, to get real charismatic on you. But, that's possible. And to get hungry there, I'll do anything for His presence. That hunger spiritually, oh, I'll go to a barn in Edmonton, Idaho and drive half an hour twice a month, three times a month, because the Spirit resides there and I'm going to have an old cowboy who's never attended church tell me how much that he loves God now, because he's been around six guys that he saw loved God. And he decided that he could start loving himself. And it started with forgiveness. And he decided to get coaching, all because he came to a fire and watched other guys do it for six months. Or, or the guy that comes that's that same sex attraction, but feels the Holy Spirit and feels God and feels not rejected. Instead, he feels love for the first time because he has a safe place to go in community and a place that can hold tension enough, where a guy with an addiction who's been sober one year and all he wants to do is grab that bottle and shove it down. But ihe comes to a Wednesday and he sees guys rallying around the presence of God and knowing that that's if he takes his question to the bottle, it's the same result, drunk, fail. But if he takes hisquestion to God that he actually can heal. Let's get hungry. Because those are the things we need to talk about, because they happen all the time. And somehow the world says that, oh God doesn't move, we're post-modern era. God doesn't move anymore. Oh, He's moving. He's moving here. He's moving in these fires. It happens all the time. Get hungry, get hungry to make money. And again, it's easy to start with working out, because we control that. It bleeds over to everything else we do.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:17:07] And comfort, comfort does not stir up hunger. you really have to like, put yourself in the spot that like you're uncomfortable and that, that allows the hunger to kind of flame up.
Bryan Byrd: [00:17:21] Yeah.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:17:22] I know I'm crossing metaphors between hungry and burning.
Bryan Byrd: [00:17:23] No, it's the same thing. It's the same thing.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:17:27] I'm thinking about your boys and your, like, your prayer that what they would walk in called a decade from now. Like some of the things that you're like, man, I'm praying that they'll walk in this and be this and maybe some things you're doing today to help stoke that to be true a decade from now. Yeah, any, any just like no, I, I, I you've probably answered half of this already of what we've talked about. But anything come to top of mind with that?
Bryan Byrd: [00:17:53] Yeah. So we're, we've, we've and seasons in our own life we've walked very strongly in in classic church, Wednesdays, Sundays in attendance and and Bible studies, and some seasons we haven't, we've had home church and it rubs people in those camps the wrong way every time. That's just been the way it's gone in our life. But the other day, I've been in and out of FCA huddles throughout my life. And sports has been a huge part of my story, and FCA has always been a great backstop. Sometimes it's been good huddles and sometimes it's been kind of programmatic and but they were always there and they were, they were a place where you could go at school in class and grab a Bible, and it was, okay. You weren't going to get in trouble by the establishment for talking about God in school. You had really, you still had freedom of of speech, freedom of religious preference, the what our founding fathers fought for, that we could assemble and talk about God. And so, I went and bought a case of Bibles from our local FCA chapter director, Ken Lewis. Ken, if you're listening, I love you. Ken and, and Ken and I, and I, and I don't have a plan yet, but I have a, I have a purpose. And I put those boxes, box of Bibles in my living room and said, Drew, I'm gonna be gone for a month. I want these here. We're going to go through some of these when I get back. But if kids come over and they don't have a Bible and haven't heard about God, here they are. There's opportunity. There's no expectations, there's no checklist. But I kind of, at an unction from the Holy Spirit to do this, to give opportunity. I don't even know what the end result is. They could sit there and get dusty, or maybe the one, maybe the teammate walks in and we get to talking. My wife's a very, a very charismatic, very confident in sharing the gospel, very accomplished evangelistically. And, and if someone doesn't know about Jesus and then there's a Bible to hand out. Simple, simple stuff. And I would love for my kids to just just hear Him and walk with God in a way that they can push the gas pedal down. My other son, he's, he started a video business. And it's great. I got to take a little, I get to brag on him a little bit, proud dad. DadAwesome. DadAwesome in DadAwesome ways, he took a class, and it was, had and they're reading Dale Carnegie's book, How to Write the Classic Book, How to, How to Win Friends, How to Influence People. And, and one of the premises in there, we all know, but it's such a good reminder of if you're gonna ask someone about, you know, and find a mentor, whatever you do, you don't, you don't ask them to help you. You go there and you ask where can I help them? So he ges, dad, dad, check this out in this book. I'm gonna, I'm going to do this. Oh, you are? What are you going to do? Well, I'm going to call up so-and-so with, with, with the high school varsity film team, and I'm going to ask to help him. I go, that's a great idea. It's like last game of the season. He's like, so he texted him, he did it and said, oh yeah, come help me. And he had his camera and they, they exchanged settings and, and he took a bunch of film and they made a, they made a highlight film together. And I said, oh that's great. Good job. Well, not more than two weeks later, there's a playoff game and the regular filmer couldn't go. There like, what are we going to do? Cal said, I'll do it. So. they Said, okay, you think you can do it? He said, sure. Jumps in, makes his first highlight. Everybody loves it. Goes and, and just stepping and serving people. Listening to the Holy Spirit prompt him to serve, to help out, not to get or gain or consume. And and six months later, he's got three clients. He's, he's helping football programs in the trenches Academy, if you're listening. In a lineman academy in Meridian, Idaho, help the, the Josh and, they're helping guys be great linemen. He's doing film for them. He's filming for another guy named, Quentin Michael who played for the Eagles. And he's doing it. And, it all started with listening to the Holy Spirit, I'm, deciding I'm going to serve people and taking a risk. Listening and taking a risk. And, and so if I could have it, you know, have them do anything, it'd be listen to the Holy Spirit and and take a risk. And I've failed in this ministry. I've missed it. I know I was supposed to pray for people, I knew I supposed to meet with people before. But I'm doing better at 47. And I think I would encourage our listeners, you know when your heart is getting hit by God. You know that, most of us know I'm supposed to, but I'm nervous. Just go for it. Times, times late. It's late in the hour.Get, let's, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go take a risk.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:22:33] I love that. Someone told me if you miss a workout that you had scheduled, you can never get that back. It's gone forever. And that ties a little bit to what you're saying right there, like, no time is short. Like, if you miss this opportunity to, in your son's case, go serve somebody else's vision. Go serve, because you gotta learn when you serve. You can never have that moment back, which that moment led to the next domino, led to the next time, led to three clients, led to maybe a whole career in this, like who knows, right. But he, he capitalized. He was the kind of guy who took the risk and said yes. But he was also, upstream from thatl he was a reader. Okay, so let's remember like there's all these steps.
Bryan Byrd: [00:23:07] Good point.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:23:08] Two topics, maybe to end our conversation today, and I'm sure we'll have future ones as well. Bryan, this is so fun with you. But one is to go back to this idea of a safe, to be a safe place or maybe even said, like a box to put your grief. Is that the phrase you used?
Bryan Byrd: [00:23:24] Yeah. Adam Young uses the word container. That's the, that's the, that's the word we've been using lately. Container in our, in our area.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:23:31] Yeah. Would you take us a little further into, what does that look like for me to experience it, but also to create, to be a safe container for somebody else, for my wife, for my little girls, for a, tonight, you know, I'm going to the Wild at Heart fire tonight. And, and actually the leader of that actually does exactly you're talking about. It's a very safe place for me to bring, and the grief looks different for each person, right?
Bryan Byrd: [00:23:55] Yeah.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:23:57] But, it's not that common to feel this welcome, safe container to put grief and to share. Would you explain a little more what you mean by it and how to create it?
Bryan Byrd: [00:24:04] Yeah. I mean, leading a lot of groups, we've learned what to do and what not to do. And I'll start with what not to do. What not to do is if someone like yourself shares, oh, I've had this happen in my life. I've been suffering, I hurt, I have so much pain. This is what not to do. Oh, God's good all the time. You'll be fine. Let's play for a miracle, right now. Can I pray for you right now? When you, all good intentions, but when you skip over someone's grief and speed bump them, been guilty of it. My wife will tell you. Young in my, in my walk, when you speedbump someone's grief, you just told them they're not worth it and their grief didn't matter. And God doesn't care. He's going to heal you anyways.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:24:46] Or you're afraid of it. You want to get past it, right. Like there's, maybe that as well?
Bryan Byrd: [00:24:49] Yes. And the message is there. When you slow down and say, wait a minute, your pain matters. You know why it matters? Because you're worthy. You're worth listening to. I'm looking you in the eyes. I can receive you and see you. You're worthy enough to see. All of a sudden, instead of speed bump in you, I have lined myself with a good Father, who sees His kids. Who sees His kids and you're seeing in a group, if you're modeling this and there's a few rules like no preaching, teaching, and advise. Shut up when someone's listening and be a receptor and see people, all of a sudden you as a sharer are connecting with your emotions. And Adam Young and shares and Dan Allen share this very well the science behind this. So we're this, we're just kind of the Callaway hacks that have, that have experienced it.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:25:45] So good.
Bryan Byrd: [00:25:46] So, credit to those guys for the science. But when I can look at you and receive you and your pain and hear you, I say you're worthy. When I, as a sharer of my pain, feel that I'm worthy, I have hope. Whoa, wait a minute, I'm not alone. I'm with people that care. I'm seen. And I can find hope. Jesus, would you come into this pain? Would you take a risk on me? Because these guys just did. There must be hope for me. You go from sharing grief and despair and not having hope and not being seen and being isolated to seen, loved. And that can be as simple as, as a group. It can be simple as silence. It can be as simple as a head nod. It's probably not talking very much. It might be. That's tough. It might be a little validation. It's probably not giving a sermon. It's probably not five points of advice, how to fix your problem. Don't fix. And it's probably not being the the alpha in the room telling people how you solve the world's problems. It's just, that's hard. And letting it sit, now a container is you get 3 or 4 guys that can do that well and practice. Like we screwed it up for many years, but we figuring it out along the way. You figure out, you get 3 or 4 guys that can hold tension and let someone's grief be felt. Now they connect emotionally, and when they connect emotionally, they feel it. And now they can deal with it and they can actually ask Jesus in to heal it. So it's a gateway. It's a doorway to open up in a group, to let someone heal. Or you can slam the door shut and say, God's good all the time and be religious and get real weird about it. Sometimes that is okay. But there's a, there's a doorway in the greater healing to be that container that can hold the grief so it can heal. No container, it just runs right through and out. And sometimes it doesn't get seen. It slips away. So it's very important, even though it's, it can be super uncomfortable to look that person in the eye saying, I see you. That's tough. You're not alone. In fact, most of the time a guy in a container will say, me too. Me too. Very powerful words.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:28:15] There's, there's two leadership dynamics attached to that moment of empathy and care and like, like validating. Like, like it's a big deal that you said it, like you shared that, and we're grateful that you are trusting us, like, right. There's, there's two things attached, though. One is somebody in the group that the silence that moment leads to sharing more, to sharing more, to sharing more. Like the talk, talkative Tom, is that what you?
Bryan Byrd: [00:28:44] We call them talkative Toms.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:28:45] Yeah. And then there's the other side is those people who just aren't sharing anything in the group. And I know it's complex to coach on those two scenarios as a leader or as a group member. I think the way you just shared already is so valuable and helps me because I, silence somtimes I'm afraid of. I want to, I want to fill the silence and help, help be comfortable for everybody in the room, right. Yeah, but those two sides, just any any kind of coaching tips for a group leader or those two sides?
Bryan Byrd: [00:29:10] Sure. I think, you know, when we do groups, we operate through some core values. Hope, humility, story, redemption and honor. And those are our governing values that everybody who gets to listen needs to operate from or is sharing needs to operate from. And when someone violates those and goes outside those bounds, we say, hey, timeout. You know, talkative Tom, we call him, is a guy who has to be heard all the time for the whole meeting. You guys know who they are, very well meaning, most of the time, and they're seeking correction whether they know it or not. They're seeking to be seen in a way where I say, to be loved enough, to say, Jeff, I love that you have lots to share. And in order to practice our core values in this group, I'm going to ask you to wait until 8:30 when this is over to share the rest of that, it's really important, but we're going to give the the rest of the guys opportunity to be seen. And I need you to help me do that. So that's one way. Now the other guy is the guy who doesn't talk. And this is even harder. And walking with God in this is sometimes we've said in groups of guys sharing around a fire for six months and some of the guys will only cry the whole time, and some of them will not say anything the whole time. We're talking two hours of silence. A guy like me, it seems impossible. I know you're thinking my wife's like, shut up, but but, some guys, it's a big deal to say one word. And we've come to walking with God in this, come to a point where, like, hey, we haven't heard from you in six months. Would love to hear your story sometime, if you feel comfortable enough and you would trust us enough, could you share just a slice of your story? And just throw it out there and more often than not, this is where the healing happens. And it's been building up and building up, and the story's there and he wants to share. And when they share, it comes out a lot and we let him be a talkative Tom. We violate our own rules sometimes because it's, it's do.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:31:23] It's precious because there's been a waiting.
Bryan Byrd: [00:31:25] Yeah. It's almost pregnant. It's coming. Yeah.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:31:30] I, I got to about a third of my notes. I had, I had about 25 words. I think we got maybe to, yeah, maybe to eight of them. Bryan, this has been such a gift, this conversation. I was curious, because you had a little drive time getting down to this, us meeting up. Was there anything, as you were driving, that you thought I'd love to, love to step into this theme or this topic or just anything that you were like, oh, we haven't really hit this and this might be helpful for for Jeff or for the DadAwesome listener? Anything, anything top of mind that we didn't cover?
Bryan Byrd: [00:32:03] You know, I was just talking to my wife, and we were talking about something that's center of mind and, and it has to do with codependence and behavior of other people in our sphere of life. Whether that's coworkers, that's people at church, that's people at coffee shops. And when people act a certain way, we feel that we're in charge of like sometimes we can bring value from. We're in charge of our coworkers at work and they do really well, like, that's my coworker. That's great. I lead them. And and you take credit and it's great. But when they don't, when when your coworker doesn't, when your church member doesn't and you start to get your value, you start to attribute your value to their behavior. It's like I'm becoming codependent on someone else's choices and their behavior. And even though they fail doesn't mean I fail. But I'm getting their value, I'm taking my value from their behavior. Not a good spot to be in, because now they get to decide. I'm not betting on myself. And I'm like, man. And I was, I've been growing in this season to detach from that codependence and to realign myself with who God thinks I am, that's on me. Died for me, stayed on the cross for me. Thank God for Easter tomorrow. And just sort of like realigning myself in union with God to walk with Him in, in my foundation of who I am. And reorienting to heal a space in me that's taking my question of am I valuable to someone else's behavior, like, let's cut that off and get back down to the foundation of the world, the cross and refortify that. And my value is in that. So that's what I'd like to leave listeners with, is there may be some reorientation needs to happen if, if there's any sort of finding your anchor in someone else's choice, behavior, outcome like, no, no, no, that doesn't get to decide my being or who I'm becoming.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:34:10] Thank you.
Bryan Byrd: [00:34:12] You're welcome.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:34:12] That's a good final nudge of encouragement. Yeah, really grateful for you. Would you say a short prayer over all of us?
Bryan Byrd: [00:34:19] Absolutely. Lord, thank You for Jeff. Thank You for DadAwesome. Thank You for the folks who are going to listen to this and be more awesome and become, and become. And Lord, I ask that You bless, bless our listeners right now that this, that their stories are valuable. Their stories are worth living, their stories are becoming. And Lord, we just pray just a reauthorization of Your blood, of Your word, of the work of the cross over them and over their stories. Reestablish their value, reorient their look, their outlook and who they're becoming. I pray this in Jesus name. Amen.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:35:06] Thank you so much for joining us for episode 334 with Bryan Byrd. All the conversation links, the show notes, the transcripts, the summary is going to be found at dadawesome.org/podcast. A reminder the DadAwesome Accelerator applications closed June 26th, so you can apply by just reaching out to us, email us at awesome@dadawesome.org for all that information and DadAwesome day, it's linked in the show notes, it's linked on all of our social media channels. Monday, the day after Father's Day, 7 p.m. central time, there's a short 40 minute Zoom gathering celebrating DadAwesome Day and sharing more of the vision, mission, what God has done, where God is leading this ministry. So want to invite you guys into joining us for that special gathering. Thank you so much for being a part of DadAwesome. Thank you for listening. Thank you for pressing in and saying, man, I'm going to be the kind of dad on Father's Day weekend in the year ahead, the turning of my heart. I'm going to turn my desires, my focus, my intentionality to bringing the love of God to my kids. So, praying for you guys. Have a great Father's Day weekend.
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· 8:55 - "I can get promoted. I can advance, and I can do it in a way that's humble. I got guys who are going to call me off the shelf, if I'm out of line. If I'm out of God's will, they're going to say, Bryan, are you doing this too much? What's going on? Are you treating your wife right? Are things good at home? There's instant accountability with all the things that are right. If you're not in a fire, a group, I would just ask, how long can you go before burnout? Before failure? I read this other day, loneliness is way more a toxin than fat, sugar, caffeine, alcohol, opioids. Loneliness is more dangerous than opioids. I'd ask the listeners, it's probably way more important than you think. If you're saying, oh, I'll do that sometime. Today matters."
· 25:48 - "When I can look at you and receive you and your pain and hear you, I say you're worthy. When I, as a sharer of my pain, feel that I'm worthy, I have hope. I'm not alone. I'm with people that care. I'm seen. And I can find hope. Jesus, would you come into this pain? Would you take a risk on me? Because these guys just did. There must be hope for me. You go from sharing grief and despair and not having hope and not being seen and being isolated to seen and loved. That can be as simple as a group. It can be simple as silence. It can be as simple as a head nod. It's probably not talking very much. It might be a little validation. It's probably not giving a sermon. It's probably not five points of advice, how to fix your problem. Don't fix. It's probably not being the the alpha in the room telling people how you solve the world's problems. Letting it sit, now a container is you get 3 or 4 guys that can do that well and practice."
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