333 | Betting on Yourself, Relearning How to Parent, and Doing Hard Things (Bryan Byrd: Part 1)
Episode Description
Everyone has a story to tell, and every story matters. In the first half of our conversation, Bryan Byrd describes the role of a troubadour. He emphasizes the value of prioritizing heart-to-heart connections, loving yourself the way God loves you, and being flexible about your approach to fatherhood.
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Bryan Byrd is a husband and father to two sons from Boise, Idaho. He is passionate about equipping men to do hard things. He co-founded Wild Courage and continues to serve on the Board of Trustees.
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· We’re all troubadours with a story to tell that matters.
· Heart-to-heart connections with your kids are the true sign of parenting success.
· Love yourself enough to do what you say, bet on yourself, and hold yourself accountable.
· Get instant feedback from your kids by asking, “How are you experiencing me?”
· Don’t be afraid to relearn some things.
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Podcast Intro: [00:00:01] Being a great father takes a massive amount of courage. Instead of being an amazing leader and a decent dad, I want to be an amazing dad and a decent leader. The oldest dad in the world gave you this assignment, which means you must be ready for it. As a dad, I get on my knees and I fight for my kids. Let us be those dads who stop the generational pass down of trauma. I want encounters with God where He teaches me what to do with my kids. I know I'm going to be an awesome dad because I'm gonna give it my all.
Bryan Byrd: [00:00:39] If we don't have a heart to heart connection at the end of any of it, I felt like I missed it and I want to turn the car around, go back and say, boys, how are you experiencing me? Jenny, how are you experiencing me? And take it and go course correct, and reestablish heart to heart connections. Because if I grow old and and my boys just move, and then I want to come back and talk to me like I've missed it. Relationship and connection, that's what we're designed for. Union, we're designed for a union with God. We're designed with union with each other. And if those are severed, that's not success. Success to me is union connection. And sometimes that gets real messy.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:01:19] Gentlemen, welcome back to DadAwesome. My name is Jeff Zaugg, and today, episode 333, I'm bringing the first half of my conversation with Bryan Byrd. Now, I was introduced to Bryan through Kelsey, my buddy in Lincoln, Nebraska, of all places. Kelsey knew Bryan through Iron Bison Training and several kind of connections he had had with Bryan, and I just reached out to find out, hey, Bryan, where are you at? When can we connect? What time zone? And he's like, well, I'm actually, in South Carolina. He's explaining where he's at, and we realize that he was about a three hour drive north of me. We met halfway in Jacksonville, Florida. This was a couple months ago. We met halfway on Easter weekend, and I had coordinated to rent a room in a kind of co-working space. Well, it turns out Easter weekend, holiday weekend, we couldn't get into the room. So we recorded this conversation in a brewery/coffee shop that was full of other people. They had a little bit of a back room, but it was, it was a bit noisy. You guys, it worked out. It worked out. We prayed over the technology and it's not going to be distracting. It's going to be a phenomenal, impactful conversation for you guys. Cannot wait. Bryan, was the co-founder of Wild Courage. So, we featured a two part interview about three months ago with Jeremy Morris from Wild Courage. So we talk a little bit about those themes. But, his journey as a dad, as a husband, his journey as a son of God comes through in so many layers that are going to be helpful for all of us dads. So, buckle up. Before I jump in, though, before I jump into the first half, episode 333, quickly want to jump to an audio clip from Matt Markman, and he's going to talk about the DadAwesome Accelerator.
Matt Markman: [00:03:07] The Accelerator Group was a high intensity, high vulnerability environment that was really helpful for growing as a father. It challenged me, so it had a really far reaching impact with all the content and the stories and just how God was moving. What better way to spend an hour on a Thursday than investing in your faith, investing in your marriage, and investing in your fatherhood alongside ten other dads who are doing the same? It was just unlike anything else.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:03:37] This opportunity for ten dads to join us in July. I'm so excited. I pray often for the right ten dads. So, we had an amazing first cohort that graduated about 3 or 4 weeks ago. We're launching into the second round, this six week DadAwesome Accelerator. Only ten spots available. And as you heard from Matt a second ago here, he and the guys that were part of the first round, just felt like it was one of the most valuable things they've done as dads. And I'm so prayerfully excited for you guys to apply. The deadline is June 26th, so please send an email to awesome@dadawesome.org and you'll get all the information back along with the link to apply. We'd love to invite you guys to prayerfully apply for the DadAwesome Accelerator cohort. Okay, let's jump in, again, I already mentioned, Bryan Byrd. So thankful for this conversation. This is the first half of my conversation, in a coffee shop/brewery, in the wild with Bryan Byrd. Thank you for making this trip and recording with me.
Bryan Byrd: [00:04:47] Jeff, thank you. It's been, it's a, it's a pleasure to be asked to be on here and to share today. So thanks for having me.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:04:53] So, a guy from Boise, Idaho. Are you outside of the city or where were you at about?
Bryan Byrd: [00:04:58] Yeah, we're Meridian, Idaho. So a little suburb about ten miles away.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:05:02] Okay. So, you're from Idaho, but here we find ourselves in Jacksonville, Florida. So you're out here doing some work, a little bit north. And, but you made the trip down. I wanted to start with this question, and I've got several just, like, prompts, and we'll see where God leads us in this conversation. But, let me see if I get this name pronounced right, troubadour being a troubadour or looking at people as troubadours. Like, what does that mean? What does that stir up in you, that word?
Bryan Byrd: [00:05:25] You bet. Well, this all started, troubadour, all started because we needed a name. We're doing retreats and we help with the ministry called Wild Courage. And we had guys coming in, and guys really like to pound their chest and tell people about who they are. I'm so-and-so and I run a bank, or I make so much money and and they can hide behind that. And really, we really wanted a more intimate, authentic way for guys to talk. So we wanted to eliminate them speaking about what they do. Because we, you know, we believe God is all about who we are, who are becoming. And we said and we when we started this retreat, we said, we're going to do we need to, you know, well the heart uses a chimney sweep. Yeah, sure. That's just not the flavor we're looking for. But, so if you look up troubadour, it was from the nightly times in Middle Ages. And the troubadour was a the Kings poet, storyteller. And, some of them could entertain, but they were storytellers. You'll hear, you know, some country singers talk about being a troubadour and, and some of these rappers are troubadours and, but we believe in our log courage ministry, that troubadour, everybody has a story to tell. And every story actually matters. You know, I can go to YouTube and get your five best podcasts, right now. But I really don't know you or know your story. And I know that your story was the one thing that that God's designed called for influences. And so a troubadour simply a the king's storyteller. And, and we use that to make sure we are focusing on the main thing when we minister to guys or when who we are, it's all comes back to who are, who we are and who we're becoming. Always in process, always in journey with God. We're all troubadours. We've got a story to tell that matters.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:07:12] Yes. And I think about your boys right now and them understanding what a troubadour is and how they are troubadours. They, their stories matter. Would you tell a little bit about, the current chapter of your boys? So, you can, I mean, you're welcome to just kind of like, like like that, I don't like the phrase brag on them, but, like, talk about your boys. Why, like what, what kind of stirs up in your heart when you think about them?
Bryan Byrd: [00:07:34] Oh, wow. Yeah. So I have two boys, Calvin and Drew. Ones's, Calvin's 19. Of course, firstborn, curly haired monster. And, he's very muscled right now. He thinks he can take me and if he's listening, it's going to be a good match.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:07:51] Bring it.
Bryan Byrd: [00:07:51] I can hold down a little bit for a little longer than he thinks. Drew is my, anyways, Calvin is a, Calvin's a leader. He's going to school. Started his own video highlight sports business right now, and, is just all in. And, Drew is our 16 year old Labrador. Full life, full of sunshine brings, brings, brings, he is the life of the party. And we love him so much. And he, he's just gifted and talented with seeing the other person across the room and listening to their story. He, he takes great pride in communicating with people in the room at 16, like, you know, accomplished Toastmasters do, very gifted in that area.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:08:37] Amazing. How would your boys, if I asked them that question about you, how would they, what are some of the words they use to describe dad?
Bryan Byrd: [00:08:44] Oh man. Well, I think, today, they would use strong, shows up whether I'm in trouble or whether I've just won the game, he's going to show up the same way. And they're going to say, they're going to say that I'm going to say that I love watching them play, regardless of whether they won or lost. Were in the game, were on the bench. Whether they did great or did not, they're going to say, my dad loved watching me play. And, yeah, that takes the cake.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:09:23] That kind of takes me to a next question around true wealth. What does, what does it look like to succeed? What's it look like to have, like a full, meaningful, wealthy life? And I've heard you explain this once, but I think it'd be fun to just hear your heart on this. Like, like what, what truly matters to Bryan Byrd? What truly matters to you and your wife? What are, what are some of the ways you would answer that question?
Bryan Byrd: [00:09:47] I think today I'd answer that question very differently than I used to. I used, today, I would say the things that matter most to us are the ones who matter most. Meaning, if you lit a match to all the things that can burn, not people, but stuff. And all the stuff goes away, what are you left with? That's the things that matter the most. And what we need to protect, strive to grow in, to foster, to steward, to father, to protect. Those are the things that matter the most, and today, I think a heartfelt connection with our boys, with each other, my wife and us. That heartfelt connection is number one, regardless if they're successful or not, regardless if they're have some big job or get into big school or get a scholarship or anything they can do, those are great, they're fun. And they're fun to watch, grow, learn. But if we don't have a heart to heart connection at the end of any of it, I felt like I missed it and I want to turn the car around, go back and say, boys, how are you experiencing me? Jenny, how are you experiencing me? And take it and go course correct and reestablish heart to heart connections. Because if I grow old and and my boys just move and they don't want to come back and talk to me like I've missed it. Relationship and connection, that's what we're designed for. Union, we're designed for a union with God. We're designed with union with each other. And if those are severed, that's not success. Yeah, so success, success to me is union connection. And sometimes that gets real messy.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:11:28] It does. It does.
Bryan Byrd: [00:11:30] Because sometimes I gotta lay down the, oh, you didn't do very well at that. And I'm a father and, well, if I'm a father of Wild Courage ministry or I started this or I'm, I'm a, I'm in the law enforcement or I'm, I'm a person of faith, and you're supposed to act a certain way, and when they don't or if if something else happens, I got to choose to be okay with it. Then I'm still going to choose heart to heart connection, regardless of my reputation. Regardless of my accomplishment or, or the image that people think I should have, I'm still getting their back, getting in the ditch if I need to get in the ditch, getting on a platform if I need to get on a platform. Wherever it takes, I'm going to show up and be present and and and be the father where I need to be. And sometimes I'm going to make mistakes along the way, and I'm going to ask for forgiveness and break some glass. But that's most, that's success. Course correcting along the way right now.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:12:34] And that is, I feel like a gentle invitation, like the idea of course correcting. And you saying it right now, like I think about it's a daily like what areas have I spotted that, no, that's actually a little bit off course, but I can correct. Oh another area, stumbled there, off a little bit, can correct. How would you encourage me to start with, but then also the other dads around, living a life that's looking for and paying attention and curious about areas that need course corrections?
Bryan Byrd: [00:13:01] Yeah, that's a, that's a great question. Well, one is our union with God. If we're walking with God we have a barometer. A, the cross was enough. We are the ransom. We are the ransom. Our life is worth the death of Jesus on the cross, A, our baseline. And with that in mind, looking for areas that might be off. Well, are you working 80 hours for the fifth week in a row? Maybe that's a sign.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:13:27] Spotting something there.
Bryan Byrd: [00:13:28] Yeah. Now, sometimes we need to, we're called to work 80 hours. Sometimes we're called to come through. But I'd probably argue, not all the time. And, and if, if our relationships are damaged along the way when we're done with it, I'm course correcting. I'm going back like, where did I have to turn around, show up to that game? Even, I'll give you a story about this one. So, at Wild Courage we have lots of events, lots of fires, and we have lots of guys in need. The need is never going away. And and we had a event in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. Big event with some of our partners out there. Grant Golliher, if you're listening. Horse trainer, trains horses by love. And, and the same weekend, my sons senior year last year, last spring, he had a rugby game in Rigby, Idaho. Same day I'm supposed to be leading a group. So supposed to be the Wild Courage guy and help guys process their story and find healing and provide a container for grief. And I said to our leaders, Jeremy and Mike, I said, hey, my son's got his last away game in rugby.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:14:35] He's a senior.
Bryan Byrd: [00:14:36] Senior. And I need to go. And they said, okay, we'll make do. We'll figure it out. So in the middle of the retreat, I got in my car and drove three hours to Rigby from Jackson, I mean it's two hours, through the Tetons. It's kind of a nice drive. But showed up and I found out my son had a concussion and he didn't even play much.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:14:55] But you were there.
Bryan Byrd: [00:14:56] I was there. Now, this is, this is why I knew I did the right thing. I knew he wasn't playing, but by the end of the game I said, okay, well, I'm here. He saw me and I was with my wife. I said, okay, I think we talked, I said, okay, I think I'm gonna head back, are you sure you're alright? I walk around the field and I'm about ready to get in my car and look over and, Cal's on the sideline, and he's, he looks over, he sees me, and he, and the game is going, the rugby, it's on the pitch, and the ball's getting kicked. And I see, like through the ball where it goes over and, he stands there and gives me the old Taylor Swift heart sign and puts the heart above his, above his head. And like, during the middle of a rugby game, you're supposed to be tough, right. No, not to me boys are going to sit there and put the heart sign above their head, look at their dad. I just melted. Got back in my 4-runner, I'm like, yeah, that's my son. And I turned up the bass real loud, so everybody could see me and honk the horn a few times during the game, and I was like, that's heart to heart connection. That's when I was doing the right thing. That's a place of success. And I drove back and we did the retreat and all, it was fine. People knew I was gone, but they didn't know I was gone. And then the right things for the right thing. I remember Mike looking at me, our partner, looking over and saying, boy, if you wouldn't have gone, I would have thought something's wrong with you. You didn't have your priorities correct. And like, that's my guys I like to hang out with.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:16:20] That's the circle. We're looking at, we're all looking for that circle who help us align with the things that really matter most.
Bryan Byrd: [00:16:26] Exactly.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:16:27] The, you know, a promise that all of us dads feel like have made to ourselves is we want to be great dads. We want to be dads who show up. We want to be dads who take the drive and leave the work behind, or the opportunity for other people and say no for my kids, my, my son, in your case, like I'm going. This concept of keeping promises we make to ourself. Like there's a lot of dads, myself included, who feel like, well, this is my intention, is this, and I've spoken this out loud or I've spoken this internally. But that in small ways don't keep those promises. And we head in either one way, a direction of, oh, it's just kind of part of the deal is I commit to things and I don't do them. Or there's the other option, which is I'm the kind of guy who follows through on promises I make to myself. Coach me on the path you would choose and you choose for all of us of those two options.
Bryan Byrd: [00:17:18] That's a great question, Jeff. I'm going to default to keep your, do what you say. Do what you say, barometer. Do what you say. If you do what you say, you don't have to please anybody. You don't have to be codependent on someone liking you. If you do what you say, and I'm guilty and not, we all are if we're honest. It's the barometer we check. But if you do what you say, you don't, you don't have to worry about anything other than showing up for the day. I said I was going to do this, I'm going to do it. Okay, great. When we don't, we lie to ourself. Subconsciously, we're liars now. We're getting away from our identity again of the ransom ones whose lives are worth the death of the cross. Because now we're liars. That's actually a sin. Look that up. And then we're subconsciously lying to ourself. And we're, we're, we're posers. We're posing, whether we try to or not. And so I'm going to default to do what we say. Do we do this every time? Try to, way more often than not. Is there a substance to the rule? Sure. But gosh, if we can make a small adjustment right now, we can do what we say. What's going to be different? I'd ask our listeners, what could be different in your life if one day you just did what you said all day long? Now the other side, and what's going to happen? What would that affect have on you? And then here's the other side of this, when you do what you say, it changes, it changes what you're saying to people. And here's, here's the litmus, litmus test. Try practicing, if you're going to do what you say, text it to somebody. Just put it in words and see what happens. You're going to do a lot less texting.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:19:06] So, not only are you putting in words, though, you are sending those words to someone who cares. And probably like subconsciously, you've locked yourself in, because you like you do, because we actually do care about our perception with other people.
Bryan Byrd: [00:19:21] Oh yeah.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:19:23] So often we don't care about our perception to ourself in like a committed this thing to myself and I can let it slide. But when you commit to somebody else and you actually subtly nudge them to be someone who steps up and steps in with their whole heart.
Bryan Byrd: [00:19:36] 100%. And you know the thing about, you know, Jesus talking about loving others with your whole heart, love your neighbors. We're going to love ourselves first. By, by doing what we say, we're actually loving ourselves because we value ourselves enough to keep our word. We do that, we overflow into other people's lives like no other. We are a river of life, if we keep our word to ourselves first. And I've worked really hard on this the last few years. Haven't always been this way. Not perfect by any means. I used to, I tell people sometimes I'm a, I'm a recovering pleaser because I say, I used to say yes to everything. Will you do this small group? Yes. Will you run this program? Yes. Will you show up early? Yes. Will you show up late? Yes. Well, then what happens is the ones that matter the most, our wife and kids, get short of the stick. Even in men's ministry, you start having these great, these great bonds that happen in close quarters and going through books like Wild at Heart and you're discovering heart issues and you're inviting Jesus into heal things. At the same time, if you're saying yes to everybody, the ones at home, what happened to those bonds?
Jeff Zaugg: [00:20:42] Yeah, yeah. That's, I had a tension over the last two weeks, actually. And this is, this ties with what we talked about before we hit record here about this Friday morning pursuit group. So our mutual friend Zac Ernst in the guys doing sand bag workouts, on the beach, in the dark. So I've done, I think, nine straight Fridays in Flagler Beach, Florida with a group of guys, in the dark. We're, we're going after, ending with jumping in the ocean. Well spring break rolls around. Well, we had, one, we had daylight savings hits and then two, spring break. So a bunch of my core guys had some travel with their friends. It's funny, we're new to Florida, so we don't go anywhere on spring break like we're staying. We love this place, right. These guys have lived here for a long time, they're like, we're taking trips, we're taking our family places, when our kids are off school. But we, so I had two Fridays in a row, I, canceled the Friday morning workout because all my core guys were unavailable and there was some bad weather and I was tired, right. I have thought, the last two Fridays, and we were hosting some people, so that was my other. Like I went through excuses and I canceled two Fridays in a row. Now it's amazing that, one, I feel like I just it wasn't like a once a week workout because I'm working out other times throughout the week. But there's something that's kind of eaten me a little bit around, like I had a streak going and it was just something, I'm there. Flagler Beach, Florida, I'm on the beach, 5:55 in the morning, in the dark with the sand bag, for those 8 or 9 weeks. And I lost it. So I feel like there's a tension I'm wrestling with on this, that I feel like I want you to talk to you because there's dads listening and there's myself that's like, I want to be someone who keeps his word and who experiences strength of a repeated commitment around the same place. How would you, how would you coach me?
Bryan Byrd: [00:22:24] Yeah, I would, I would say it's it's easy to start with physical activity. Your workout in the morning, your workout at night, your workout at lunch and you commit yourself to workout. I workout every day. Every day, if it's if it's a walk, jog, stretch, it counts.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:22:40] Do a workout.
Bryan Byrd: [00:22:41] Do a workout. It doesn't have to be, you know, 15 power cleans and 200 deadlifts and 50 burpees. Although one day I might do that. But, but every day and you start to put that streak together, like you're saying, you don't miss and you, and you can tell people, I work out every day and you know you do. You, you have nothing to, you have nothing to juggle. And you're, all of a sudden you're subconscious, your, your confidence comes up and, you know, next time when someone says, hey, I need you to do this, you say, hey, I can do that for you. Your confidence is so fortified. You're coming through twice with a comment, you know you're going to show up. Well, before, if you weren't working out, if you didn't have any victories going into it. He's like, man, I just said yes. And like, hey honey, I said, yes, but what do you think about this? I don't know if I'm going to, all of a sudden this doubt. Doubt becomes a powerful thing in your, in your narrative and in the, in your vibration, in your signal and who you are. Are you confident in who you are or are you doubting? And I think when you partner with, when you come through for yourself, again, and you partner with showing up again and again and again and again and again, even, like I said, go for a walk and something physical, coming through at work just becomes second nature. It's who you are. It's who Jesus is to die on the cross. He never like, got nervous and got off the cross. It's a day before Easter, that's why I have this reference. But it's like He did what He said. So we have, we kind of have a gauge if we, if we're spiritual, we have a gauge like He did what He said. This isn't what Bryan thinks, this is coaching from from the gospel. And so I would say, I'd say show up.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:24:18] Show up. It's also exhausting, the resurfacing a decision. If it's already made and you do it, it's kind of exhausting to kind of resurface, to kind of way out the pros and cons and make a decision versus if it's early enough in the morning, it's not really taking away anything for my family anyways. It's like I don't need to resurface that. I wonder if I should or shouldn't.
Bryan Byrd: [00:24:37] Oh, 100%. Here's a, here's a good example, you just reminded me of. I also was doing, with our friends Daniel and Zac out at PURSUIT90.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:24:45] That's right. I love those guys.
Bryan Byrd: [00:24:45] Yeah, I was zooming in from Boise for a period of time to, to get some good habits with those guys. They kind of have this down. And what, I mean, they they show up Monday, Wednesday, Friday, rain, sunshine, does not matter.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:24:59] Dark, light. Whatever.
Bryan Byrd: [00:25:01] Well, you guys know if you follow the weather. A few months ago, there was a monsoon in LA. You know, ten foot swells. The rain's going sideways. We zoom in, these guys got rain jackets on, and the rain's going sideways.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:25:13] They still had the camera rolling.
Bryan Byrd: [00:25:14] Still rolling. Still doing, still showing up. And I thought, well, I look outside my garage, it's six, six inches of snow. It's three degrees. I'm like, well, let's put on some parkers, let's go. And we just did it. And I think doing hard things, becoming better, showing up in adversity and in, in things like working out in weather, like you can show up in the weather most of the time, unless it's lightning. Florida lightning, no good.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:25:39] Yeah. You can do burpees inside, though. Come on. Come on.
Bryan Byrd: [00:25:41] Yeah, that's right. But a little water, a little heat. Something showing up like that, it just does something for your soul. I just bet on myself. I showed up and so did my friends. In a camera and the beach in a snowstorm in Idaho. We're made for this. There's something in you, it pulls on that innate, spiritual thing that God bore in us, when He said, He looked at us and He said, I'm going to reside in you. You're what? You're going to reside in here? Why? Because you're made for it. You have what it takes. You're a son. You're ransom. Like He just, like He bets on us. Why wouldn't we bet on ourselves and show up and partner with Him?
Jeff Zaugg: [00:26:20] Wow. You've said that phrase 2 or 3 times, bet on yourself. And it's just not a phrase that I use, this idea of, like, why would I not bet on myself? And part of it ties back to you said you got to love yourself. Actually, it's not, it's easy to kind of put all the focus outward if you don't actually love yourself, how can you bring love? But would you unpack it a little further, Bryan, this idea of betting on yourself and why you use that phrase and expression?
Bryan Byrd: [00:26:42] Yeah, I think it goes right down, when I say bet on yourself, I mean love yourself and believe in yourself like He does. A light, I'm not talking false humility. If any of the listeners grew up in the church, you know what I mean. Like, oh, we're just poor sinners. At the flip side, we have sinned and we've been forgiven. And He bets on us and He resides in us. So there's a two edged coin there that we're the ransom one. So let's get with it. When you bet on yourself, you bet that, yeah, you're valuable enough that you're going to come through with your word. You're going to do what you say. Bet on yourself like, believe that you can do, what you want to do, what you're set out for, what you're called from the Lord. Even though all of these people out in the world are going to say there's not enough time. You're too tall, you're too short, you're too fat, you're too skinny, they're going to come up with all kinds of excuses because they want to justify themselves. Well, that's not what I'm talking about. Bet on yourself is like, it's a line with God. A line with God. Let's pause for a minute. Let that settle on our hearts. What God really says about you.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:27:46] Yeah. I want to move us in to talking about your boys and talking about the season of fatherhood today. And then we'll kind of unpack, go backwards a little bit. But I know the theme of excuses, the theme of do hard things, the theme of like, identity and like, like, who are they and what are they stepping into? I know those are some themes that I know are powerful and important for you. What would you say, though, in this chapter of fatherhood, like what has your attention? What has more of your heart focus when it comes to fathering your boys right now in this chapter?
Bryan Byrd: [00:28:18] Yeah, I think, you know, at 16 and 19 it's very different than 6 and 10. And what, what grabs my attention that I'm, I'm thinking about more often than not is, is my heart to heart connection with my boys, with my wife, our family like is that, is that the most important thing? And I'm trying to think of a good example, but you know, or is when I, when my youngest talked to me, am I, do I find myself like a drippy faucet asking him, is your homework done? Did you go to your football training? Did you lift weights? Do I need to get up at 5:30 with you? Did you set your alarm? Did you, did you, did you? Or am I tuned in to, do I have an awareness of as a good father of, hey, how was that? I really enjoyed hanging out with you. Man, that's so, how much fun did you have? Like, there's no judgment. There was no reminders. There's no helicopter.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:29:17] No nagging, right.
Bryan Byrd: [00:29:17] Nagging. I'm not, I'm really asking myself, am I slipping into a little bit of codependence as a dad to make sure that these guys are going to show up in a way that I can show off to or brag about? Oh, my son is a 4 or 5 at the country club when I play the foursome. Sometimes I slip into that, to be honest. And I'm like, no. Can they enjoy me? Here's a question, it really hurts to ask. I try to ask them, you know, how are you experiencing me? And sometimes that's a really fun answer. And sometimes it's like, Dad, all you tell, when I talk to you, all you do is tell me things to do or check on me. Have I done this? Have I checked the list? I'm like, oh, have I? You're kind of like a taskmaster. And a taskmaster, doesn't hold relationship very well. It doesn't promote value and it doesn't love very well. It accomplishes things, Oh, yeah. But if I'm task, taskmaster, a master, I'm not the father. I'm almost giving up authority as a father. Where I, where, where I've been given charge to lead my boys to become young men or to get them in community with 4 or 5 others in the same way, to become young men. If they're just checking boxes, I've lost a vision. And I've done this before, and I'm guilty, and I've repented of and I've broken soul ties with it. And I've said, Jesus, come in and heal. the task, the task. Because it's not my value.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:30:51] Wow. So, God came and walked in the garden with Adam and Eve. His desire was to walk with. I doubt he had a clipboard and asked them, well, how's your quota of naming going, right? How is this going? How's that going? Now, there was some boundaries that He placed, but He was still ready to come and walk with them again, even after they crossed the boundary, right. It's just coming for a walk. Coming for a walk.
Bryan Byrd: [00:31:11] Yes. Yes.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:31:11] Coming for a walk. So I, I mean, I'm actually thinking three hours ago running that 5K with my ten year old. So my three oldest girls all got to do those trail runs I told you about, but I'm running it with her and she's had a little bit of a cold and, and actually had to walk probably about as much as she ran of the 5K. And she told me that if I hadn't run with her, she would walked the whole thing. So in some sense, I think if I asked her, how did you experience dad for those 42 minutes? It was a long 5K. I'm still, I'm proud of her. She did the 5K. She, she didn't quit. I actually told her the story when I was in cross-country in high school, I did quit a race. I hit a wall and I quit and walked back without my shoes on. I said, I'm I wish I would have finished that race. So, so proud of her. But I wonder, I do wonder, did she experience me as someone that just was glad to walk with her in the jungle because it was a beautiful spot, like a jungle type type course. Or did she experience the right amount of push of like, no let's do it. The next time the shade ends, let's, let's run to the next spot that's shady. Let's just, let's run a little bit. I'm curious now and I'm going to go back and ask her. I'm not actually certain how she experienced me. So that coaching, I mean it's that's powerful. I want my girls to do hard things, experience resilience, experience commit, finishing their commitment. But I also want to be a gentle dad. Where do you think the, I know, I know of some of the stories of the mountains that you've summited with your boys. Even when they were young, you were taking them up these 9,000, 11,000. Where do you think the, to gauge out to help me know the just glad to be with you, take a walk or do hard things. How do you play that out?
Bryan Byrd: [00:32:44] Yeah, well, default to walking with God in it, are my sons have different personalities, different needs and my wife, different, different needs altogether, right. And everyone's different. So I can push a pedal down with one son and they're going to respond well or the other one's not.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:33:02] Yeah. You got to know.
Bryan Byrd: [00:33:03] And so yeah, I'm just trying to think of, so when there was, I think Drew was 7 and Cal was 11, we went up this mountain called He Devil.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:33:14] Great name.
Bryan Byrd: [00:33:15] Yeah, right. It was a he devil. It's a 9,000 foot mountain. We started at like 6:00. And you're in the, you're in the Hells Canyon area between Idaho and Oregon. Beautiful area, but lots of shale, lots of huge boulders, lots of peril. I mean, if you get a foot caught in a boulder, it can move and pin ya. You're making another movie.But, so there's enough danger. But we, I hiked them in there and we went up to something called a goat path. Because literally when you go up this path, you'll see goats. It's steep, and it's hard, but my boys got halfway up at 7:11 like it was tears. They started to cry, hurt, hurt. I said, oh, and w'ere at 7,000 ft, we're huffing and puffing and we're like, it's not like the Florida beach by any means. And I, I'm like, did, am I pushing them too hard?
Jeff Zaugg: [00:34:00] Right. That question.
Bryan Byrd: [00:34:03] So, awareness. Asking. And so I said, alright, let's take the weight off. They had little backpacks, stuffed with chips, you know.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:34:09] The good substance. Yeah.
Bryan Byrd: [00:34:10] Dad had the heavy pack. We took it all off. I was like, all right, let's sit down for a minute. Let the tears calm down. I said, hey, we could go back to the truck right now if you want. We could drive home or we can go a little bit further. And what do you guys, and I was gentle. I wasn't, I didn't have the whip, although I can pull out the whip. It's part of my second nature. But I was gentle.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:34:29] At the moment, you were not taskmaster.
Bryan Byrd: [00:34:30] I was not. And we did. We, we got lik,e we gathered. We got back up. We made it up and into the basin. And we end up climbing this huge mountain. When we came back, little Drew number, at age seven decided, as Calvin and I picked up the camp, we're sleeping in these single, single man tents. The, the, the, you know, the stoves and the food. We're picking all the camp up. We just climbed this mountain. He's 11, he's getting tired. Drew's 7, so I let him just chill and he's eating, he's eating. I'm like, alright you go eat. Well, anyways, we didn't notice he ate all the food. So, he at like 3 MRE's and, and Calvin and I looked at him like, oh, we got to, then we went to climb 2,000 foot back out to the truck before it's over with no food. So, people start crying and I'm like, why did you eat all the food?
Jeff Zaugg: [00:35:15] Anger starts to stir. Yep.
Bryan Byrd: [00:35:16] Oh, I got angry. He's crying. And then Calvin's mad at Drew for eating his food. And he's mad, he's like, you're gonna carry both my packs then. You know, there's all of a sudden.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:35:25] Brotherly love.
Bryan Byrd: [00:35:26] Cranks out really well. I'm like, Jesus, Jesus, can you get in the middle of this? So there's this tension going on. We're walking out of the mountain and, and and we're cranky at each other. Somebody's not, not nourished. Other people are, you know, thirsty. And we're climbing up steep shale. And, you know, they're young, they don't have the stamina like you and I do. Well, anyways, we look behind and all of a sudden comes a dad, a young dad, about 24, and a mom, with a with a three year old on one hand and a baby, and a baby Bjorn.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:35:56] Same trail.
Bryan Byrd: [00:35:57] Same trail. And my, my kids are crying and cranky, and they look around, and they're like, and they stood right up and they started marching. And I'm telling you, that was the best two miles I ever had. Because they wanted to keep up with the mom, with the Baby Bjorn on her chest, and it kind of worked itself out.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:36:10] Perspective got reinserted. I love that story. The idea of re-learning things, being a dad who relearns, or raising boys, in your case, that kind of are open to, curious about, humble enough to re-learn. Would you go into that topic a little bit?
Bryan Byrd: [00:36:27] Sure, sure. I know re-learn, re-learn as a parent, you know, we were a big love and logic. Big, pretty popular, pretty popular, curriculum for any young parents out there that are trying to make their way in the world, very big on it. We implied it. If our sons did this, they got the consequence or the reward. Pretty, and to be, keep it simple. Well, Danny Silk, Danny Silk, and another friend of ours, Seth Dahl, got involved and we started learning about heart to heart connection. And learning about that might not always work this way and, might have to re-learn. And so, you know, raising kids is all about us. It's really not about our kids. And I was a very, as I talked about, was a very stern taskmaster. I wanted it this way. And I had a, had a rigid curriculum about myself. And I had to get up at five and I had to go to bed, and it was exhausting. It really was. And it looked good on the outside. It was shiny on the outsid, but it kind of stunk on the inside because it affected everybody. And I had to, I had to re-learn how to parent. And if I had to re-learn than I was going to put their hearts first. I had to, it had to cost me something and it cost me doing it my way and having to have my wife make the dinner on, you know, this day, these nights and me do it the other nights. And it had to be a certain way. No, no, I had to be way more flexible.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:37:51] Yeah. That's good.
Bryan Byrd: [00:37:53] Had to invite in, had to invite in some friends to give his perspective and had to re-learn from them and our community and had to be just a different parent. Where I had to, I had to fail at one thing to to achieve a heart to heart connection in another area with my kids. And so I had a good friend, Aaron McHugh, if he's listening. He used to say, Byrd, it's okay to get a B once in a while. You don't need to get straight A's, get a B. So I took, I said, I need to get a B at whether it was showing up at the program at church, being a little bit late so I could parent my kids and take them off, whiule my wife got ready or took some pressure off, with young guys. And maybe fail in some person's eyes to help the other.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:38:35] Walk in grace for yourself.
Bryan Byrd: [00:38:36] Yeah, yeah. So that's a little bit of a re-learning that I've had to do with parenting. It's still, it's still happening.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:38:46] Thank you so much for joining us for the first half of my conversation with Bryan Byrd. The second half is coming at you next week, episode 334. But for now, jump into the show notes, jump into the links to Iron Bison Training, links to some other conversations with Bryan Byrd that I've just kind of gathered in the research phase. That's all going to be listed at dadawesome.org/podcast. And guys, I am so thankful, as we start into summer, that you guys are choosing to press in, to learn, to listen to these conversations. I want to encourage you guys to apply to join us for the DadAwesome Accelerator, kicking off in July. The deadline to apply is June 26th, so that's coming up quick. Also, want to just shout out, we got a few weeks left to register for the 100 mile Father's for the Fatherless bike ride. So, Fathers for the Fatherless, our sixth season, we just passed $900,000 raised for our partner ministries. These ministries are directly serving the fatherless and what a joy! We love that we had a chance to mobilize and rally men to do triathlons and bike rides and Spartan Obstacle Course Races. So, all the information about Fathers for the Fatherless is at f4f.bike, and that'll be linked in the conversation notes. Guys, have a great week with your family. Praying for you guys. Praying that you step in, in one specific area to intentionally pursuing the hearts of your kids this week.
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· 11:55 - "I'm still going to choose heart to heart connection, regardless of my reputation. Regardless of my accomplishment or the image that people think I should have, I'm still getting their back, getting in the ditch if I need to get in the ditch, getting on a platform if I need to get on a platform. Wherever it takes, I'm going to show up and be present and be the father where I need to be. Sometimes I'm going to make mistakes along the way, and I'm going to ask for forgiveness and break some glass. That's success. Course correcting along the way right now."
· 27:00 - "We have sinned and we've been forgiven. He bets on us and He resides in us. There's a two edged coin there that we're the ransom one, so let's get with it. When you bet on yourself, you bet that you're valuable enough that you're going to come through with your word. You're going to do what you say. Bet on yourself, believe that you can do what you want to do, what you're set out for, what you're called from the Lord. Even though all of these people out in the world are going to say there's not enough time. You're too tall, you're too short, you're too fat, you're too skinny, they're going to come up with all kinds of excuses because they want to justify themselves. Bet on yourself is a line with God. Let's pause for a minute. Let that settle on our hearts. What God really says about you."
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